A Witch in the Closet

Author:   AntiHusband 

Every soul has a destiny. Throughout history we have heard and seen how life was before we were even a thought in two consenting adults. Our ancestors are keys to our past; they unlock secrets, bring about good fortune and sometimes crown us royalty. Finding out who you are is what everyone really wants. They want to know why they are who they are and how they got there. We all started somewhere; either from a far away country or perhaps we never left our roots. If you were to go back in time, where would you go? Who do you want to see? Even if you could never change events, you might at least get a little insight to your destiny and learn how better to make the most of your life. Past lives have always fascinated me…wondering if you were someone else in a past life. How exciting and yet kind of freaky? Of course. That is the beauty of life.

My heritage is mostly that of English and Scottish. I can try to go back and see if there is any royalty or that maybe a famous celebrity or great leader is on my history tree. Probably is. But that is not going to make me a princess or give me an “in” at the Golden Globes. There is some ancestry that interests me more and I am still investigating. I found a name that struck a sensory and it had everything to do with witches in Europe. Wow…I felt the back of my neck hairs rise up, not scary or terrifying, but intrigued and curious. You see, throughout my life, I have always felt that I am different — not in a morbid or bad way — in a way that I can only describe as meant for something and very in tune with my surroundings.

I think I will start with what I can remember from when I was a kid. First of all, I was not brought up a witch. I was brought up Presbyterian, not a bad Christian religion. I lived in southern California at the time and this meant lots of banquets, parties, celebrations and people with money donating to the church. My grandma Jones was a devote Christian, Elder, treasurer and very active for a 96 year-old. It was awesome, watching my grandma sing in church (I can still hear her voice singing hymns) ; I was in the kids’ church, mostly lots of playing and snacks. I did enjoy going to church with my grandma. Somehow, I knew I was making a memory every time and to this day I treasure those memories.

Fast forward to 1977, my friend and I would go into the garage and play zombies with our Barbies: we would pretend we could resurrect them. I can remember one night we had a sleepover with three other of my friends. We had an Ouija board, (a 70’s Ouija board was a big deal) . We asked it all kinds of questions (boyfriends, school, future husbands) but one question I did ask made a lasting impression on me: “Are you here?” The answer was a sharp “Yes”, which seems like a normal question that could be asked except… I meant, are spirits HERE. We did a lot of Ouija board stuff; it was different and fun.

I spent a weekend with my friend in Escondido, California. I think I was about 12; we took a trip to the library and checked out as many witch books, spells, and magic books as we could carry. We went home and read every one of them. My friend was really good at ESP (Extra Sensory Perception) . She could read the number on the card every time. Whenever her mom left, we would call another two friends and do fun “magic” stuff. I can recall one time we had about five of us and we were going to do “Light as a feather, Stiff as a Board”. We lit candles, incense and began to chant to the “Goddesses” to lift our friend off the ground. We repeated this chant over and over and with each girl placing two fingers under our friend. We kept chanting, until we were standing and one of us opened our eyes, we realized we were still holding her with our two fingers and virtually no weight was bearing down on us. We almost dropped her!

On another of our escapades, we all went into the bathroom, turned off the lights and looked into the mirror. We chanted “Bloody Mary” three times over and over until a shadow appeared next to my friend. Okay that was pretty scary…That happened only once, but definitely left an impression.

Throughout all my childhood adventures, it seemed that we were having fun being different. When I was 13 a few of us ventured into a huge sewer tunnel looking for whatever…. well, we found whatever; a box of skeleton bones! Scary but fun! My dad didn’t think so. Police came out and investigated…Yes, seems like it was a missing person. Never followed up on it, but I did like the skull; it was interesting.

My fascination with witchcraft books never really stopped. I just got busy doing other things (having kids, school, and work) . My closet was turned into a ritual room filled with pictures of loved ones who had passed, my animals’ pictures were in there as well. I wrote up little sayings or blessings to keep them safe. Items that I found mostly in nature were kept and stored: branches, rocks, pinecones and even a bird skeleton. Nature was also close to me and still is very much. I was making ritual circles before I even knew what they were. (Funny, sometimes my spells work and sometimes they are a little off. I stopped writing for a while because it startled me that IT actually happened like I wrote it.)

Anyway, I thought church was fun and it was great that it made people happy and “born again”. But sometimes I felt like it wasn’t a place for me. This bothered me because this was a place to pray and feel comfortable. I can’t explain it. One day, I happened upon something on the computer about Wicca, covens and how these groups had a strong belief in Gods and Goddesses and Mother Nature. I couldn’t stop reading. Suddenly I wanted to know more about Wicca and witches and the connection they made!

The more I read, the more I realized I had a lot in common with witchcraft and Wicca. All of the things I had been doing since I was a kid now made just made sense. This was not a coincidence. I found what I have been missing in religion and today I am relaxed and comfortable in my beliefs. These rituals and blessings came naturally to me. My friend, who is a numerologist, noticed a mark on my palm. I knew it was there, but really I thought it was just cute that it was shaped like star (pentagram) . My hand pentagram has meaning and a purpose for me. I am on a journey to find my place in this world and when I do, I have a strong feeling that it will be one that makes a huge impact on mankind. I know this sounds kind of ‘way out there’ but it is what I feel.

The many realms of the non-evident s are facets of many beliefs and those who can see beyond what is physical can open doors that they never knew were there. I am reading “Witches’ Book of the Dead” by Christian Day. It seems intimidating at first because you think it might me something about evil things and voodoo; not true. It actually touches on how different forms of mediums can reach the dead and communicate with them. The book gives you confidence on how to keep positive and protected when initiating a ritual; I haven’t actually done the rituals in the book yet, because I like to read it through. The book really touches home with me on dreams and spirits. I can relate to dreaming of the dead and communicating in my subconscious, especially when I sleep.

I am actually more aware of how I interpret the dreams I have and who was in my dream, and most of all if it was my grandma, mom or my son. I always get to physically touch or hug them. Their words are very clear and it is sometimes just catching up or I get to see their world and how they are doing. Once in awhile, I will dream about someone I never meant and he/she will give me updates on themselves. I keep them in my memory until something triggers it — usually a word, article or someone random talking about a loved one who passed on — and then bam! I know why I had the connection. Past lives, spirits and connections with objects are overwhelmingly a passion for me.

One of the things that always freak out my friends and husband is the fact that I can close my eyes and see numbers or words like a photograph. If someone asks for a phone number, I suddenly see a number and repeat it 97% of the time correctly. I was really good in spelling bees when I was younger. Recently, I have heard voices (I know, the ‘voices’ thing!) , but they are usually simple and very clear. I hear these whether awake or asleep.

One night I was sound asleep and out of the blue came “Mom!” I awoke and answered “What?” No one else was awake or talking in his/her sleep. Turns out, my son in Oregon was dreaming about me and his brothers and sister (we all really miss each other) and he was upset. I told him I heard him and he was not really surprised (because my first born son and I have a strong kinetic connection) but he was more interested that I had somehow manifested myself in his dream.

The ‘supernatural’ comes natural to me, spirits and entities are mostly just trying to connect, as we all do, and they make communications with those who are open-minded and curious. They exist, but not on the level that we are. Spirits can see, hear, and feel. They see us like they used to. If we are not aware of them, we just go about our regular day doing what we do and never know that a spirit is standing right next to us. There are actually many people who have sensory perception, but they shrug it off, and all those subtle hints and clues, they tune out.

Like I said before, I am on a journey. I go about my daily routine but I do so as a witch, one that is listening with all eyes and ears. Being a witch and a Wiccan has really given me a new sense of well-being. I like to grow fresh veggies and am really big on herbs; I have known the benefit of herbs since I was young and (little known fact: I have had all my kids at home and I used herbs in pregnancy and during labor) I I never thought to have my kids in a hospital.

Witches always seem to get a bad rap. In the 1600’s, the Salem witches were the “healers”, the people locals would go in the middle of the night to get the spell or help they needed to fix their woes and problems. Somehow, the witches became the enemy after that and they were blamed for any bad thing that happened to the townsfolk. They were tried and hanged. Every woman who even looked suspicious was hanged and their friends and/or family as well. Ever wonder if you could go back in time and challenge that one-sided thinking? I do.

Finding other people like me was hard at first but I now belong to a coven and some have some forward to ask curious questions. I am always happy to help them find their way. My rituals and blessings are pretty much done in solitude and without other eyes (although my eight year old is very interested and she attends rituals to watch within the safety of the protection circle) . I have some awesome antique tools I am collecting to keep on my altar. My current quest to find an authentic cauldron is tiresome, but fun. Making wands with the correct wood and crystals is one of my gifts (I don’t buy them straight out) . It makes it more personal and so the spell will have a stronger power.

My Wicca studies are primarily done quietly and in private because if I were to do my rituals in my living room or even outside, I have no protection, no hiding fence to seclude myself and I really don’t know my neighbors, other than the fact that every Sunday most of them take off to church. So, for right now, I will restrain from redecorating my living room and hanging my broom on my patio wall. I have a room downstairs that is dedicated to my witchcraft and blessings.

In the winter, which it is now (January) I hunker down and watch the cold. The snow outside is still and the sky is dark and the only birds I hear are the Ravens flying around looking for food. They become increasingly bolder the colder the weather gets. Mother Nature is dormant and the re-birthing will soon begin with the cycle all over again. This is when I focus on my studies and try to learn more about how to be a better witch and hone my strengths and skills. It gives me empowerment and strength to know I am different from other people, I have always been keen to the smallest things and objects around me and I really do appreciate being able to sense the spirits in this world.

In the spring and summer, it is really beautiful and the daylight lasts all day here in Alaska. I get to make plans for my garden and when the snow melts I will find all kinds of rocks, sticks and things Mother Nature has hidden from the elements. I have actually made two wands from Birch; they turned out really nice! Feathers from Ravens and other birds are very rampant, especially near the bird sanctuary a few miles away. My garden consists of cooking herbs, magical herbs, and some, which are poisonous as well. I also have a veggie garden that is pretty big. My favorite ‘witch thing’ to do is make a circle of elements around a tree, complete with special rocks and candles. It is always in a safe secret area and is pretty inconspicuous, even if a stranger walked into my backyard. The herbs are recycled into dried herbs and tinctures that I share with my close friends and we get together and make dandelion wine, mead and rhubarb wine. Being a person who also happens to be a witch is actually the most beneficial thing to me in my quest for spiritual oneness.

I see shadows and hear voices very clearly in the night. I dream about happenings, not just random dreams, dreams that are repeated and are very clear. I am typing right now and it is clear that there is a spirit right behind me. (I have been doing this before I ever came out of my “witches closet”.)

As life goes on, I became more in tune with myself. I started small rituals, mostly to help me find my keys or see if a new love was in store for me. Every time, I would feel like I wasn’t alone. These were never negative spirits and shadows but I believe they are spirits who are there to protect me and guide me and even help me find my keys.

In many ways, my beliefs can only be shared with my coven friends and my Wicca friends. I am still living in my closet. On the plus side, my rituals and blessings (even the simple ones) are assisting me in being aware and “seeing” entities around me. They are there and I live with them, or they live with me.

There is so much to learn and understand, because spirits and shadows (that what I call ghosts) are all around us. This planet is one of many that can sustain life, both living and spiritual. Someday, humans will travel far into the solar system, even further than we are now and maybe discover another planet much like this one. Spirits exist; bodies die and souls are freed. The voice in your head that keeps you safe and that “feeling” you have is real. Our world is full of the living and the “living” spirits, some related to you and some not. They are there watching you and protecting you.

In conclusion, we, as humans, are given many opportunities to “see”, but only the open-minded are able to see. Witches have been around longer than Christianity. Wiccans can be seen as nature loving, earth conscious people with special gifts that they can use. They are given the gifts to teach to other “open-minded” people. I am proud to say that I am Wiccan and a witch and I have never felt so empowered as I do right now.