Spells That Actually Work

Ancient Spell to Kill a Beast

1. Get a spear.
2. Aim the spear.
3. Throw the spear.
4. Repeat until the beast is dead.

Spell to Make Money

1. Put on some tight attractive clothing.
2. Go to a busy street corner.
3. Dance as well as you can for passing cars and pedestrians.

Spell to Get Measles

1. Find someone who has measles.
2. Lick them.

Spell to Turn Day Into Night

1. Stand facing a large tree or wall.
2. Close eyes tightly.
3. Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.

Spell to Turn Night Into Day

1. Lay down when it is nighttime.
2. Close your eyes.
3. Wait 8 hours.
4. Open your eyes.

Spell to Breathe Under-Water

1. Attach concrete block to your feet.
2. Jump into water.
3. Breathe normally and sing the tune to “Flipper”.
4. Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.

Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants

1. Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
2. Drink.
3. Repeat steps 1-2.

Spell to Attract Lightning

1. Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hubcaps, etc.
2. Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
3. Wait.

Spell to Stop a Runny Nose

1. Get two cotton balls.
2. Shove one up each nostril.
3. Tape them there.

Spell to Make a Person Fall In Love With You

1. Call person at least thirty times a day.
2. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
3. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e., roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll, etc.).
4. Follow them everywhere they go… careful, they’ll try to lose you!
5. Don’t worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!

Spell to Make a Person Fall Out of Love With You

1. Forget getting a restraining order.
2. Get a gun or other weapon of choice.
3. Wound or maim person with weapon.
4. Throw person in an area with lots of wild carnivores
5. Wait.

Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

1. Open a window.
2. Defenestrate the computer.
3. If the computer hits the ground really fast, the spell worked.

Alternate Spell to Make Your Computer Fast

1. Turn on your computer
2. Deny it food.

Spell to Save on Gas

1. Cut holes in floorboards of car.
2. Remove shoes.
3. While still seated, pedal feet really, really fast.
4. Scream “Yabba Dabba Do!”
5. (Optional) Invite passengers to join in the fun!

Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1. Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
2. Drink another glass anyway.
3. Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of soda.
4. Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell’s effect.

Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom

1. Eat a bushel of prunes.
2. Take a dose of ExLax.
3. Wait.

Spell to Make Something Disappear

1. Open a window
2. Grab the object you want to make disappear.
3. Defenestrate the object.
4. Close the window.

Spell to Make Yourself Fly

1. Open a window
2. Say “Sky sky make me fly like the birdies up so high.”
3. Defenestrate yourself.
4. Flap your arms vigorously and repeatedly say “I’m flying!”
5. If you don’t hit the ground, the spell worked.

Spell to Get Red Eyes

1. Take a spray bottle of Windex™.
2. Aim nozzle at eyes.
3. Spray.
4. Repeat 20 times.

Spell to Get a New Car

1. Get off the computer.
2. Go to a car dealership.
3. Chose a care. Take a test drive. Repeat until a satisfactory choice is made.
4. Make arrangements to trade in your old car for the new one chosen.
5. Drive home and wait.
6. When the new car arrives, go back to the dealer.
7. Drive home.

Spell to Go Through A Wall

1. Get a sledgehammer.
2. Hit a wall continuously until a large enough hole appears.
3. Go through the hole.

Spell to Change Your Eye Color

1. Visit ophthalmologist.
2. Get prescription for contact lenses.
3. Fill prescription with colored contact lenses.
4. Put in colored contact lenses.

Spell to Get People to Pay Attention to You

1. Stand up.
2. Jump up and down.
3. Make noises.
4. Repeat until people stare at you.

Spell to Prevent a Broken Window

1. Throw a shot put through your window pane.
2. It can never be broken again.

Spell to Make Someone Disappear #1

1. Tell them to go away.
2. Repeat until they leave.

Spell to Make Someone Disappear #2

1. Go into another room.
2. Shut the door.
3. Wait until they leave.

Spell to Make Someone Disappear #3

1. Position them in front of an open window.
2. Point and yell the name of their favorite celebrity so they lean out to look.
3. Defenestrate them.
4. Close the window.

Spell to Get a Full-time Job

1. Find a police officer.
2. Commit a crime in front of them.
3. Wait quietly until they arrest you.
4. Plead guilty to the crime in court.
5. You will be taken to a big building and given a full-time job.

Spell to Be Somone’s Girlfriend

1. Find a police officer.
2. Commit a crime in front of them.
3. Wait quietly until they arrest you.
4. Plead guilty to the crime in court.
5. You will be taken to a big building and will soon become someone’s girlfriend.

Spell to Turn Into a Monster

1. Put on stilts.
2. Dress up in a gorrila costume.
3. Run around town with a megaphone and yell ROAR!

Spell to Become a Half-Animal

1. Get bisected by a large saw.

Spell to Get Wings

1. Find local fast food resturant number.
2. Call number and place an order for wings
3. Wings should arrive in 10-30 minutes.

Spell to Become a Mermaid

1. Cut the head off a large tuna.
2. Skin the body carefully, along with the tailfins.
3. Wrap your legs with the skin. Use duct tape to close it and attach it to your own skin.
4. Open-up gill-slits in your neck.
5. Go jump in the ocean.

Spell to Become an Artist

1. Get a crayon.
2. Press the crayon against a piece of paper while moving it around wildly.
3. Feel good about it.
4. Show other people your awesome drawing.

Spell to Get a Friend

1. Walk up to someone.
2. Pay them $50-100.
3. They’ll be your friend for a while.
4. Pay more keep your friend.

 

For more great Pagan humor, visit Turok’s Cabana

 

I hope the rest of your and your family have a day and evening that is relaxing, filled with fun, laughter, and love. Always remember to take a little me time every day to recharge yourself!

Merry part until we merry meet again!