Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
(April 20 – May 20)
You will decide that you like the name “Sven” better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.
(May 21 – June 20)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
(June 21 – July 22)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
(July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon.” My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
(August 23 – September 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
(September 23 – October 22)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.
(October 23 – November 21)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
(November 22 – December 21)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn’t. It’s not your fault, you’ve been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn’t care. Not if they’re going to act like that.
(December 22 – January 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
(January 21 – February 18)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
(February 19 – March 20)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.