the daily humorscopes for monday, sept. 12th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Monday, September 12, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Let’s just hope you can somehow keep it that way!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!”.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behaviour highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will make some new friends today. One of them will be on some sort of “sacred quest”, which will make a good ice-breaker. (“So…what’s with the coconuts?”)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover a way to have your cake and eat it too! Unfortunately, everyone else will think that’s really disgusting.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You are about to get yourself into a bit of a jam. Strawberry, I think.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, august 20

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, August 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will decide that you like the name “Sven” better than your own, and you begin encouraging people to call you that. Eventually, you will have your name legally changed.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be chased through the streets tonight by a group of wild-eyed short people wearing togas and playing kazoos. Be careful — they may have escaped from a birthday party, and should be considered armed and dangerous.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone nearby will make disgusting slurping sounds in your favorite restaurant. You’ll retaliate by glaring pointedly, and by eating your linguini with your fingers.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon.” My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In one of those amusing mix-ups that happen so frequently in modern life, a friend of yours will have mistaken your reference to “her suit” and thought you said “hirsute”. Still, this may prove a little awkward.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you should sit down (someplace comfy), and ask yourself if you even care. You shouldn’t. It’s not your fault, you’ve been trying as hard as you can, so you shouldn’t care. Not if they’re going to act like that.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 20

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 20, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will decide to take up juggling, today, and will become exceedingly good at it. Eventually, you’ll start an offbeat new religion, and proclaim that Supreme Truth will be revealed to those who juggle.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Dispite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today an ecologically-minded organic foods co-op will move into your home, while you’re away. You’ll be smelling whole-wheat fig bars for months, even if you succeed in extricating them. (Which is unlikely, in today’s political climate. They need somewhere to hide. Have a heart.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vacuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have trouble with the telephone, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium”. Don’t take it lightly.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.