What Totem is Yours? The Twelve Birth Totems

The twelve birth times are represented by totems, each one an animal that best expresses the qualities inherent at that birth time.

Earth medicine associates an animal totem to each birth time (the two sets of dates below the animal reflect the difference in season between the northern and southern hemispheres). These animals help to connect you to the powers and abilities that they represent.

FALCON:

21 March- 19 April (N. Hemisphere)

22 Sept- 22 Oct (S. Hemisphere)

Falcons are full of initiative, but of

 

ten rush in to make decisions that

they may later regret. Lively and extroverted, they have enthusiasm for new experiences but can sometimes lack persistence.

BEAVER:

20 April- 20 May (N. Hem)

23 Oct- 22 Nov (S. Hem)

Practical and steady, Beavers have a capacity for perseverance. Good homemakers, they are warm and affectionate, but need harmony and peace to avoid becoming irritable. They have a keen aesthetic sense.

DEER:

21 May- 20 June (N. Hem)

23 Nov- 21 Dec (S. Hem)

Deer are willing to sacrifice the old for the new. They loathe routine, thriving on variety and challenges. They have a wild side, often leaping from one situation or relationship into another without reflection.

WOODPECKER:

21 June- 21 July (N. Hem)

22 Dec- 19 Jan (S. Hem)

Emotional and sensitive, Woodpeckers are warm to those closest to them, and willing to sacrifice their needs for those of their loved ones. They have lively imaginations but can be worriers.

SALMON:

22 July- 21 August (N. Hem)

20 Jan- 18 Feb (S. Hem)

Enthusiastic and self-confident, Salmon people enjoy running things. They are uncompromising and forceful, and can occasionally seem a little arrogant or self-important. They are easily hurt by neglect.

BROWN BEAR:

22 Aug- 21 Sept (N. Hem)

19 Feb- 20 March (S. Hem)

Brown Bears are hardworking, practical, and self-reliant. They do not like change, preferring to stick to what is familiar. They have a flair for fixing things, are good natured, and make good friends.

CROW:

22 Sept- 22 Oct (N. Hem)

21 March- 19 Apr (S. Hem)

Crows dislike solitude and feel most comfortable in company. Although usually good-natured and pleasant, they can be strongly influenced by negative atmospheres, becoming gloomy and prickly.

SNAKE:

23 Oct- 22 Nov (N. Hem)

20 Apr- 20 May (S. Hem)

Snakes are mysterious, and secretive, hiding their feelings beneath a cool exterior. Adaptable, determined and imaginative, they are capable of bouncing back from tough situations encountered in life.

OWL:

23 Nov- 21 Dec (N. Hem)

21 May- 20 June (S. Hem)

Owls need freedom of expression. They are lively, self-reliant, and have an eye for detail. Inquisitive and adaptable, they have a tendency to overextend themselves. Owls are often physically courageous.

GOOSE:

22 Dec- 19 Jan (N. Hem)

21 June- 21 July (S. Hem)

Goose people are far-sighted idealists who are willing to explore the unknown. They approach life with enthusiasm, determined to fulfill their dreams. They are perfectionists, and can appear unduly serious.

OTTER:

20 Jan- 18 Feb (N. Hem)

22 July- 21 Aug (S. Hem)

Otters are friendly, lively and perceptive. They feel inhibited by too many rules and regulations, which often make them appear eccentric. They like cleanliness and order and have original minds.

WOLF:

19 Feb- 20 March (N. Hem)

22 Aug – 21 Sept (S. Hem)

Wolves are sensitive, artistic and intuitive–people to whom others turn to for help. They value freedom and their own space, and are easily affected by others. They are philosophical, trusting and genuine

Source:

Crovenet

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Blessings & Warmth to You On This Thursday Morn!

Good Morning, dear family & friends! I hope everyone is having a very warm and safe day. They have changed our weather forecast. Our bad weather is suppose to hit this afternoon. We are suppose to have mostly ice here. I can tell you I would much rather have the snow than the ice any day. We can’t very well argue with Mother Nature though. Just accept what we are given and go on about it.

We did get all of our supplies yesterday and have battened down the hatches. So we are ready, I guess. I just don’t want to think about losing power. I remember last time. At first it was like an adventure but by day 8, the night was closing in and I was about ready to strangle someone. It is nice to spend time with people but when you are trapped with them for several day, get real! Enough is enough, lol! I am just kidding. I am not the only one that felt this way. Even the best of friends trapped for long periods of time will get on each other’s nerve. I know after so long the cat became a pain in the rump. I would catnap during the day because at night we would use kerosene heaters or a big LP camp stove to keep the place warm. Well the darn cat would catch which other was on and try to lay right on top of it. I stayed up making sure the cat didn’t catch on fire and burn us up and we didn’t run out of oxygen and kill ourselves. Oh, what fun is was!

So I beg you again, please keep us in your prayers that we don’t lose power and stay safe during the upcoming storm. And to remind you, in case you don’t hear from us within a day or two, send help! Lots of it, too! Out here, when the power goes out, we lose our telephones. Why? I don’t know. I guess that is one of the many problems you have to put up with when dealing with a Co-Op. But send in the Mounties, please!

Enough with the silliness, I know there are some already suffering from the winter storm. My heart goes out to you and yours. I pray that you stay in and stay safe. If you have power and the internet, spend the day with us. I am sure after reading all this, it will warm your hearts, lol!  I can’t help it, I am a big baby witch. I am use to all the modern conveniences, especially power and heat. Those happen to be two of my favorites in the Winter. I honestly don’t see how our ancestors and the cave people made it. But I guess they didn’t miss what they never had. Perhaps we are too spoiled these days. Truthfully, I don’t know too many people that ain’t spoiled these days. Even the hunters around here tickle me. They will brag and talk about how they are great outdoorsmen and they are rough and tough, yeah right! They want to come home to a nice warm house, a freshly brewed pot of coffee and the TV. Yeah, they are really tough and rough outdoorsmen, lol!

Well enough with the poop! I hope everyone has a great day. Please stay safe and warm. If you have to do any traveling, be extra careful because I expect to see all of you back here tomorrow. Have a very blessed day & may the Goddess watch over us all.

Luv & Hugs,

Lady A

Daily Motivator for November 16th – Worth every moment

Worth every moment

Some days will be joyful and other days will be painful. Through it all, life  is worth every moment.

Some experiences will be frustrating and others will be exhilarating. Choose  to see the positive value in all those experiences, and to grow stronger with  each one.

On some days the sunshine will feel delightfully warm and on other days the  wind will be bitterly cold. Yet every day, each feeling can make you feel more  richly alive.

The future may at times appear bright and at other times seem to be deeply  troubling. Whatever the case, you can always make the very best of the time you  have, as it comes.

Life will always have its ups and downs. Instead of making a judgment about  every experience, make the choice to embrace it all.

See each day as an opportunity to grow stronger, more capable and more  thankful for life’s limitless possibilities. Use each day to bring the best of  those possibilities into being in new, unique and meaningful ways.

— Ralph Marston

The Daily Motivator

December 4 – Daily Feast

December 4 – Daily Feast

Early December has rich earthy color that stands for strength and durability. Hundred-yea-old oaks stand guard over a multitude of younger growth and bear the brunt of cold winds and heavy snows. The little creeks hollow out from rushing waters and refill with sand and stones washed down from the hills. Everywhere are signs of longevity and power. Huge boulders tilted on end or covered by moss and lichen harbor the fox and possum. Regardless of how cultivated the land may be in one season, it returns to nature in another. No time shows nature’s raw strength like winter – and few things have to be hardier than people.

~ The Great Spirit and giver of light…..has made the earth and everything in it…. ~

PONTIAC – DELAWARE

‘A Cherokee Feast of Days, Volume II’ by Joyce Sequichie Hifler

Daily OM for October 28 – Hard Learned Lessons

Hard Learned Lessons

Bad Days

by Madisyn Taylor

We all have bad days and within these days is usually a gem of a gift waiting to be opened

 

We all have days from time to time when it feels like the world is against us or that the chaos we are experiencing will never end. One negative circumstance seems to lead to another. You may wonder, on a bad day, whether anything in your life will ever go right again. But a bad day, like any other day, can be a gift. Having a bad day can show you that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. A bad day can help you glean wisdom you might otherwise have overlooked or discounted. Bad days can certainly cause you to experience uncomfortable feelings you would prefer to avoid, yet a bad day may also give you a potent means to learn about yourself.

You may consider a bad day to be one where you’ve missing an important meeting because your car stalled, the dryer broke, and you received a piece of very bad news earlier in the morning. Multiple misfortunes that take place one after the other can leave us feeling vulnerable and intensely cognizant of our fragility. But bad days can only have a long-term negative effect on us if we let them. It is better to ask yourself what you can learn from these kinds of days. The state of your bad day may be an indicator that you need to stay in and hibernate or let go of your growing negativity.

Bad days contribute to the people we become. Though we may feel discouraged and distressed on our bad days, a bad day can teach us patience and perseverance. It is important to remember that your attitude drives your destiny and that one negative experience does not have to be the beginning of an ongoing stroke of bad luck. A bad day is memorable because it is one day among many good days – otherwise, we wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge it as a bad day. Know too, that everybody has bad days, you are not alone, the world is not against you. Tomorrow is guaranteed to be a brighter day.

 

The Daily OM

Daily OM for October 26th ~ Hard Learned Lessons

Hard Learned Lessons

Bad Days

by Madisyn Taylor

We all have bad days and within these days is usually a gem of a gift waiting to be opened

 

We all have days from time to time when it feels like the world is against us or that the chaos we are experiencing will never end. One negative circumstance seems to lead to another. You may wonder, on a bad day, whether anything in your life will ever go right again. But a bad day, like any other day, can be a gift. Having a bad day can show you that it is time to slow down, change course, or lighten up. A bad day can help you glean wisdom you might otherwise have overlooked or discounted. Bad days can certainly cause you to experience uncomfortable feelings you would prefer to avoid, yet a bad day may also give you a potent means to learn about yourself.

You may consider a bad day to be one where you’ve missing an important meeting because your car stalled, the dryer broke, and you received a piece of very bad news earlier in the morning. Multiple misfortunes that take place one after the other can leave us feeling vulnerable and intensely cognizant of our fragility. But bad days can only have a long-term negative effect on us if we let them. It is better to ask yourself what you can learn from these kinds of days. The state of your bad day may be an indicator that you need to stay in and hibernate or let go of your growing negativity.

Bad days contribute to the people we become. Though we may feel discouraged and distressed on our bad days, a bad day can teach us patience and perseverance. It is important to remember that your attitude drives your destiny and that one negative experience does not have to be the beginning of an ongoing stroke of bad luck. A bad day is memorable because it is one day among many good days – otherwise, we wouldn’t even bother to acknowledge it as a bad day. Know too, that everybody has bad days, you are not alone, the world is not against you. Tomorrow is guaranteed to be a brighter day.

 

The Daily OM

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 27

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he’ll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “l’orange”, and you’ll have time to slip out the back way.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 10th

the daily humorscope

 

 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

 
 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will casually mention the German term for “exit ramp”, and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That’s hardly your fault, though, is it?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to mumble.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
They say that a dog is a man’s best friend. Oddly, that’s only true in some European-derived cultures. In sub-Saharan Africa, for example, man’s best friend is a blue-tongued skink. They just have a heck of a lot more trouble fetching the paper. You may find your own type of best friend, soon.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, september 4th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, September 04, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip.” Sounds like party attire to me!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbours a bit — keeps them civil.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your neighbour thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to hum popular songs, just slightly off key. If you do that long enough, the people around you will change in appearance. You’ll be able to see the veins in their neck, for one thing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!

the daily humorscopes for Friday, September 2nd

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 02, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your mind will go blank today. You won’t mind — it’ll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you’ll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for a nice nap.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor”. This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, august 31

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton.” (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will acquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

the daily humorscopes for monday, august 15th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, August 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to sneak.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!.” That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though – I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 11th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, August 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not leave home without a ball of twine, today. You won’t actually need it, but it’ll make you feel better to be prepared.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will soon send off for plans to build your own hovercraft. Your scheme to disguise it as a giant floating eyeball is a bit silly, though. Personally, I’d make it look like you were wearing a giant hoop-skirt, in which case the engine sound and levitation might easily be passed off as a rather unfortunate case of intestinal gas.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon you will get into accounting, “just for the thrill of it”.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, august 7th

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, August 07, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today the universe will stop expanding, and start contracting. You will be the only one who notices. Also, you will develop a strange desire to wear golf shoes.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will answer the phone today by shouting “You bloated sack of protoplasm!”. Unfortunately, it’s not your friend calling. It’s your mother.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbour’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will invent an automated diaper changing device that looks a bit like a large mechanical squid. Parents will love them, but you’ll need to do plenty of advertising before passers-by stop “rescuing” babies and beating the crap out of the machines. (Literally.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.