the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 27

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 27, 2012


(March 21 – April 19)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.



(April 20 – May 20)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he’ll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “l’orange”, and you’ll have time to slip out the back way.


(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.


(June 21 – July 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.



(July 23 – August 22)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.


(August 23 – September 22)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.



(September 23 – October 22)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.


(October 23 – November 21)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.



(November 22 – December 21)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.



(December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.



(January 21 – February 18)

Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.


(February 19 – March 20)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.

You Are In Two Places at Once

You Are In Two Places at Once

  • Deepak Chopra

Because we are both physical and quantum, human beings live multidimensional lives. At this moment you are in two places at once. One is the visible, sensual world, where your body is subject to all the forces of nature “out there.” The wind chaps your skin and the sun burns it; you will freeze to death in winter without shelter; and the assault of germs and viruses makes your cells sick.

But you also occupy the quantum world, where all these things change. If you get into the bathtub, your consciousness doesn’t get wet. The limitations of physical life count for much less in the quantum world, and often for nothing. The cold of winter doesn’t freeze your memories; the heat of a July night doesn’t make you sweat in your dreams.

Put together all the quantum events in your cells and the sum total is your quantum mechanical body, which operates according to its own unseen physiology. Your quantum mechanical body is awareness in motion and is part of the eternal field of awareness that exists at the source of creation.

The intelligence inside us radiates like light, crossing the border between the quantum world and the physical world, unifying the two in a constant subatomic dialogue. Your physical body and your quantum mechanical body can both be called home – they are like parallel universes that you travel between without even thinking about it.

Physical Body: A frozen anatomical sculpture – “I” sees itself as made of cells, tissues, and organs; confined in time and space; driven by biochemical processes (eating, breathing, digestion, etc.)

Quantum Mechanical Body: A river of intelligence constantly renewing itself – “I” sees itself as made of invisible impulses of intelligence; unbounded in time and space; driven by thoughts, feelings, wishes, memories, etc.

Adapted from Ageless Body, Timeless Mind, by Deepak Chopra (Three Rivers Press, 1998).

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 19

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, June 19, 2011


Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A hexapod robot will run away from its laboratory today, change its name to “Bob”, and take up residence with you. Eventually, you’ll become best friends.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question – there’s no point in going further if you don’t see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I’m referring to “crunchy” versus “creamy”, of course. Why, what did you think I meant?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
It is a joyous time to vacuum. Yes, you’ll have more fun than you can stand, pushing that new vac around. So what, if other people don’t understand? Unfortunately, an evil Asian gentleman named “Fu” will kidnap your beloved vacuum cleaner, a few years from now, and you will be faced with an ethical dilemma. Enjoy life while you still can, is my advice.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Angst day, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you can have lots of fun by beaming at people, and telling them how fresh your brand of soap makes you feel. If that doesn’t work, try explaining how your detergent gets your shirts their brightest.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.