the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today old Monty Python skits will keep running, unbidden, through your mind. The only cure will be to be to drink a glass of a fine Australian wine, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he’ll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “l’orange”, and you’ll have time to slip out the back way.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You are at a turning point in your life. Turn left.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Good day to start learning the violin. Interestingly, your neighbours will volunteer to pay for lessons. It’s selfless gestures like that which really help friendships blossom.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

A rare form of management disease will strike you today, where you can only speak in metaphors. Still, you’ll open the kimono and hit the ground running.

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Today you will be either snug as a bug in a rug, or smug as a thug on a drug. Hard to say for sure.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.