the daily humorscopes for monday, august 15th

the daily humorscope 

Monday, August 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Flour tortilla day, today. You know what I mean.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you’ve ever seen, running around the ring, although you can’t really see it unless you heat it up in a fire…
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Remember: people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s ok to throw mashed potatoes, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to sneak.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will accidentally step on someone’s foot, and they will say “Ow!.” That’s when I usually say “No pain, no gain.” Sometimes people don’t like me. I’ve never figured out why.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will make pizza from scratch today (dough and everything), and will beam with pride. As well you should.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will independently re-discover an old Celtic trick, which will help considerably with an upcoming math test. In particular, you’ll find that painting yourself blue may do little for your own mathematical abilities, but it will be a significant distraction for everyone else.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to take up indoor gardening. It’s quite fun, and you can grow a lot of stuff in a little space. Be considerate though – I can tell you from personal experience that it’s best to run the tractor when your spouse isn’t around.

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