the daily humorscope
Wednesday, August 03, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the “Madonna” look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms — that’s always fun.
Good day to start saving up for that electron microscope you’ve always wanted. I hear Sears will be having a big sale on them this fall.
Uh oh. Mars is out of alignment, again. Not a good day to hang out with stupid, violent, heavily-armed ex-convicts. Save that for tomorrow.
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
(July 23 – August 22)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
(August 23 – September 22)
You will be conducting naval maneuvers in the bathtub today, when you will have an unfortunate accident involving your toy submarine. The visit to the emergency room will be most embarrassing.
(September 23 – October 22)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
You will invent a new type of bath toy today. It will bring you fame and fortune, although it will also be the cause of an embarrassing appearance on the Letterman show.
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.
(February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.