the daily humorscope
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Boisterous day, today. Try not to be much more irritating than is absolutely necessary.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton.” (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will acquire a slight sniffle, today. (A sniffle is a cross between a dachshund and a cairn terrier, bred especially to spot helicopters.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia”. He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…