the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 10th

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will casually mention the German term for “exit ramp”, and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That’s hardly your fault, though, is it?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to mumble.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A big spider will be waiting for you in the dark, chuckling its evil spider chuckle, and rubbing it’s hairy legs together in a chitinously evil way. Fortunately for you, someone else will come by before you, and will squish it without a second thought.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

They say that a dog is a man’s best friend. Oddly, that’s only true in some European-derived cultures. In sub-Saharan Africa, for example, man’s best friend is a blue-tongued skink. They just have a heck of a lot more trouble fetching the paper. You may find your own type of best friend, soon.