the daily humorscope
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle.” Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
(July 23 – August 22)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!
(August 23 – September 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
(September 23 – October 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton”. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Try to praise in public and criticise in private. Just never, ever, criticise privates.
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
(February 19 – March 20)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.