A Little Humor for Your Day – You know you’re getting older when

You know you’re getting older when

 

  • Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
  • The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
  • You feel like the night before, and yo9u haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
  • You get winded playing chess.
  • Your children begin to look middle-aged.
  • You finally reach the top of the ladder, and you find it leaning against   the wrong wall.
  • You join a health club and don’t go.
  • You begin to outlive enthusiasm
  • You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
  • A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is “Twenty-five Years Ago Today.”
  • You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • Your knees buckle but your belt won’t.
  • You regret all those temptations you resisted.
  • You’re 17 around the neck and 44 around the waist, and 105 around the golf   course.
  • You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
  • After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying   a second coat.
  • Dialing long distance wears you out.
  • You are startled the first time someone’s calls you Old-timer.
  • You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
  • You just can’t stand people who are intolerant.
  • The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
  • You burn the midnight oil after 9:00 p.m.
  • Your back goes out more often than you do.

 

Only Funny Jokes

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A Little Humor for Your Day – ‘Things It Took Me 50 Years To Learn’

THINGS IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same
night.

There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours.

You should not confuse your career with your life.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who
perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual
is crazy.

Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why
we observe daylight savings time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you
think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that
moment.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Your friends love you anyway.

And the thought for the day: never be afraid to try something new. Remember that amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Author unknown

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of Doug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, sept. 20th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle.” Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for szechuan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today is the 1,750,000-year aniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton”. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try to praise in public and criticise in private. Just never, ever, criticise privates.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Stay out of the Cheez Doodles today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.