the daily humorscope
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will find the word “impecunious” popping unbidden into your mind, at regular intervals. Eventually, you’ll go look it up in the dictionary.
(April 20 – May 20)
When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?
(May 21 – June 20)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
(June 21 – July 22)
Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.
(July 23 – August 22)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
(August 23 – September 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
(September 23 – October 22)
Your neighbors will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.
(October 23 – November 21)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
(November 22 – December 21)
You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.
(December 22 – January 20)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
(January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to slurp soup. Remember: if you’re going to do anything, do it well. Obviously, that includes slurping.
(February 19 – March 20)
You need to do something about that nervous laugh. Practice an “evil laugh” and use that instead. Then at least, you’ll be able to hear everyone else’s nervous laughter.