the daily humorscope
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Try to be logical, today. It’s your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your “only hope” was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it “hubcaps.” This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn’t kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)
Try to be logical, today. It’s your only hope. (Which is considerably better than it would be if your “only hope” was some old geezer on the desert planet Falderol and you had to send a robot shaped like an underarm roller-type deodorant off to find him. But not as fun.)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
This is a good time for you to start your on-line loan shark business. Start small, though. Try to be sort of a “loan piranha”, at first.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will invent a modernized version of the ancient game of horseshoe throwing. You will call it “hubcaps.” This will have several advantages over the older game, not least of which is that a car doesn’t kick the crap out of you when you try to steal its hubcaps.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)
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