the daily humorscope
Friday, September 02, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
(April 20 – May 20)
Your mind will go blank today. You won’t mind — it’ll be a refreshing change from the raging torrents of thoughts that have been pouring through you lately. Plus, you’ll get to stretch out in a sunbeam and take a nice nap.
(May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
(June 21 – July 22)
Good day for a nice nap.
(July 23 – August 22)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
(August 23 – September 22)
Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.
(September 23 – October 22)
Good day to make as much goulash as possible.
(October 23 – November 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
(November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor”. This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
(December 22 – January 20)
Today is the day you will discover your larger cosmic destiny! A television infomercial and an 800 number are somehow involved.
(January 21 – February 18)
You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”
(February 19 – March 20)
You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.