the daily humorscope
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashee” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
(April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
(May 21 – June 20)
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
(June 21 – July 22)
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
(July 23 – August 22)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
(August 23 – September 22)
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
(September 23 – October 22)
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
(October 23 – November 21)
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
(November 22 – December 21)
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
(December 22 – January 20)
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
(January 21 – February 18)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
(February 19 – March 20)
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?