Spells That Actually Work
Ancient Spell to Kill a Beast
- Get a spear.
- Aim the spear.
- Throw the spear.
- Repeat until the beast is dead.
Spell to Make Money
- Put on some tight attractive clothing.
- Go to a busy street corner.
- Dance as well as you can for passing cars and pedestrians.
Spell to Get Measles
- Find someone who has measles.
- Lick them.
Spell to Turn Day Into Night
- Stand facing a large tree or wall.
- Close eyes tightly.
- Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.
Spell to Turn Night Into Day
- Lay down when it is nighttime.
- Close your eyes.
- Wait 8 hours.
- Open your eyes.
Spell to Breathe Under-Water
- Attach concrete block to your feet.
- Jump into water.
- Breathe normally and sing the tune to “Flipper”.
- Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.
Spell to Commune With Pink Elephants
- Pour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice.
- Repeat steps 1-2.
Spell to Attract Lightning
- Cover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hubcaps, etc.
- Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air.
Spell to Stop a Runny Nose
- Get two cotton balls.
- Shove one up each nostril.
- Tape them there.
Spell to Make a Person Fall In Love With You
- Call person at least thirty times a day.
- Park outside their house and shut your headlights off.
- Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e., roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll, etc.).
- Follow them everywhere they go… careful, they’ll try to lose you!
- Don’t worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!
Spell to Make a Person Fall Out of Love With You
- Forget getting a restraining order.
- Get a gun or other weapon of choice.
- Wound or maim person with weapon.
- Throw person in an area with lots of wild carnivores
Spell to Make Your Computer Fast
- Open a window.
- Defenestrate the computer.
- If the computer hits the ground really fast, the spell worked.
Alternate Spell to Make Your Computer Fast
- Turn on your computer
- Deny it food.
Spell to Save on Gas
- Cut holes in floorboards of car.
- Remove shoes.
- While still seated, pedal feet really, really fast.
- Scream “Yabba Dabba Do!”
- (Optional) Invite passengers to join in the fun!
Spell to Go to the Bathroom
- Drink so much water that you think you will burst.
- Drink another glass anyway.
- Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of soda.
- Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell’s effect.
Alternate Spell to Go to the Bathroom
- Eat a bushel of prunes.
- Take a dose of ExLax.
Spell to Make Something Disappear
- Open a window
- Grab the object you want to make disappear.
- Defenestrate the object.
- Close the window.
Spell to Make Yourself Fly
- Open a window
- Say “Sky sky make me fly like the birdies up so high.”
- Defenestrate yourself.
- Flap your arms vigorously and repeatedly say “I’m flying!”
- If you don’t hit the ground, the spell worked.
Spell to Get a New Car
- Get off the computer.
- Go to a car dealership.
- Chose a care. Take a test drive. Repeat until a satisfactory choice is made.
- Make arrangements to trade in your old car for the new one chosen.
- Drive home and wait.
- When the new car arrives, go back to the dealer.
- Drive home.
Spell to Go Through A Wall
- Get a sledgehammer.
- Hit a wall continuously until a large enough hole appears.
- Go through the hole.
Spell to Change Your Eye Color
- Visit ophthalmologist.
- Get prescription for contact lenses.
- Fill prescription with colored contact lenses.
- Put in colored contact lenses.
Spell to Get People to Pay Attention to You
- Stand up.
- Jump up and down.
- Make noises.
- Repeat until people stare at you.
Spell to Prevent a Broken Window
- Throw a shot put through your window pane.
- It can never be broken again.
Spell to Get Wings
- Find local fast food resturant number.
- Call number and place an order for wings
- Wings should arrive in 10-30 minutes.
Spell to Become an Artist
- Get a crayon.
- Press the crayon against a piece of paper while moving it around wildly.
- Feel good about it.
- Show other people your awesome drawing.
Astronomy Picture of the Day
Discover the cosmos! Each day a different image or photograph of our fascinating universe is featured, along with a brief explanation written by a professional astronomer.
2016 January 17
Explanation: The center of our Galaxy is a busy place. In visible light, much of the Galactic Center is obscured by opaque dust. In infrared light, however, dust glows more and obscures less, allowing nearly one million stars to be recorded in the featured photograph. The Galactic Center itself appears on the left and is located about 30,000 light years away towards the constellation of the Archer (Sagittarius). The Galactic Plane of our Milky Way Galaxy, the plane in which the Sunorbits, is identifiable by the dark diagonal dust lane. The absorbing dust grains are created in the atmospheres of cool red-giant stars and grow in molecular clouds. The region directly surrounding the Galactic Center glows brightly in radio andhigh-energy radiation, and is thought to house a large black hole.
Venus, brightest of four morning planets
The planet Venus, the most brilliant star-like object in all the heavens, lights up the southeast sky in the wee morning hours. Get up at least 75 minutes before sunrise – or better yet, 90 minutes before. Then you can use Venus to find the great line-up of planets stringing across in the January 2016 morning sky. The other three visible planets are found to the west of Venus in this order: Saturn, Mars and Jupiter.
Saturn is by far the closest planet to Venus right now. You can distinguish Saturn from the nearby star Antares by color. Saturn, the brighter of the two star-like lights, exhibits a golden hue while Antares displays a ruddy complexion. If you have difficulty distinguishing color, try binoculars.
Once you have Venus and Saturn firmly identified, go on from there to locate Mars and Jupiter. All the planets line up very nicely, forming a well-defined arc across the sky. That’s because the planets are always found on or near the ecliptic – the Earth’s orbital plane projected outward onto the constellations of the Zodiac.
Possibly, you could mistake the star Spica for Mars. As with Saturn and Antares, you can tell the difference between Spica and Mars by color. Spica radiates blue-white while Mars glowers red.
Later on this month, the planet Mercury will climb high enough from the glare of sunrise to join this parade of planets. Eagle-eyed observers might see Mercury as early as January 20. However, Mercury will be quite dim, and at mid-northern latitudes, only rising an hour or so before sunrise on that date.
More realistically, most people will probably first see Mercury, the innermost planet of the solar system, around January 25, when Mercury will be both brighter and rising earlier (about 80 minutes before sunrise). Remember to draw an imaginary line from Saturn through Venus to locate Mercury near the sunrise point on the horizon.
Bottom line: Let Venus and Saturn escort you to Mars and Jupiter for a good month to come. Then let Saturn and Venus also guide you to Mercury, the solar system’s innermost planet, during the last week of January and the first few weeks of February.
Bruce McClure is the chief writer for the popular EarthSky Tonight pages. Since joining EarthSky in 2004, he has written thousands of astronomy articles, enjoyed here by millions. He also writes, gives planetarium shows and hosts a wide assortment of public astronomy programs in and around his home in upstate New York. If you ask an astronomy question on our site, it’s likely to be Bruce that answers it. His love for the heavens has taken him to Lake Titicaca in Bolivia, and he has sailed the North Atlantic, earning his celestial navigation certificate through the School of Ocean Sailing and Navigation. Bruce is also a sundial aficionado. He says his number one passion – besides his wife Alice – is stargazing.
Article published on EarthSky
The Wisdom of Buddha
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
How will our day be?
Oh, brother, I just had to ask!
Your Daily Influences
January 17, 2016
Page of Pentacles
Introversion. A healthy admiration for new ideas and scholarly pursuits. Reflective. Good management and organizational skills. A bearer of good tidings.
Othala represents a solid, immovable home, prosperity and safety. Good fortune based on your heritage and character is yours to enjoy.
Over the next weeks and months this aspect should be one that requires little effort on your part to keep things moving forward. This is one of the few charms that has the same meaning upright or inverted.
Your Daily Influences represent events and challenges the current day will present for you. They may represent opportunities you should be ready to seize. Or they may forewarn you of problems you may be able to avoid or lessen. Generally it is best to use them as tips to help you manage your day and nothing more.
Your Charm for Today
This aspect of your life will be strongly influenced by a person who is optimistic, freedom-loving, jovial, good-humored, honest, straightforward, intellectual and philosophical.
Ninth sign of the Zodia, Nov 23rd to Dec 21st. Ruled by the planet Jupiter; correct metal Tin. Those bon under Sagitarius were supposed to be enterprising, independent and proud, just, courteous, sensative, honest, keen sportsmen, fond of animals and of out door life. The Sagittarius gems are the Topaz and Pearl. The Topaz was used by the ancients as a charm against pestilence, burns, chest complaints, and dangers while travelling. It was called the Stone of Strenth by the Romans, and worn to keep away gout, lunacy and sudden death. In the middle ages to dispel enchantment, calm anger, cure asthma, and bring joy and contentment.