The Caffeinated Cross
by Karl Lembke
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn’t been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.
Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled “The Mystery of the StarBuck”.
THE CAFFEINATED CROSS
Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.
Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:
Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:
Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:
Bring it across to your right shoulder:
Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:
“ARABICA, OH MAN!”
Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:
“BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON”
“BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ”
“AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B”
“AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS”
“FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA”
“WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH”
Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.