A Little Humor for Your Day – The Caffeinated Cross

The Caffeinated Cross

by Karl Lembke

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment  lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty  old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn’t been disturbed by the presence of  man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to  translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language  libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane,  forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of  caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled “The Mystery of the StarBuck”.

 

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS

 

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew,  in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.

Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

“LATTE”

 

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

“MOCHA”

 

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

“CAPPUCHINO”

 

Bring it across to your right shoulder:

“FRAPPUCHINO”

 

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

“ARABICA, OH MAN!”

 

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

“BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON”

“BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ”

“AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B”

“AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS”

“FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA”

“WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH”

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean.  This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.

A Little Humor for Your Day – The Joy of Coffee

The Joy of Coffee

 by Anon


Caffeine is my shepherd; I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures: it leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz: it leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal ™: for thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the prescence of Juan Valdez: thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the House of Maxwell forever.

 

A Little Humor – Signs That You Drink Too Much Coffee

Signs That You Drink Too Much Coffee


  • You answer the door before people knock.
  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other people’s fingernails.
  • Your T-shirt says, “Decaffeinated coffee is the devil’s blend.”
  • You can type sixty words per minute… with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • No-Doze is a downer.
  • You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  • You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  • You buy half-and-half by the barrel.
  • You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it’s not plugged in.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
  • You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  • The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • When someone says “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  • You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  • Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  • You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can thread a sewing machine, while it’s running.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  • You don’t tan, you roast.
  • You can’t even remember your second cup.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.

 

Turok’s Cabana

Lighten Up – The Caffeinated Cross

The Caffeinated Cross

by Karl Lembke

The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn’t been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.

Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled “The Mystery of the StarBuck”.

THE CAFFEINATED CROSS

Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.

Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:

“LATTE”

Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:

“MOCHA”

Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:

“CAPPUCHINO”

Bring it across to your right shoulder:

“FRAPPUCHINO”

Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:

“ARABICA, OH MAN!”

Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:

“BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON”

“BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ”

“AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B”

“AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS”

“FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA”

“WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH”

Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like.