the daily humorscopes for saturday, sept. 17th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localized anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighborhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will banish fear. It will stomp off in a huff.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Not an especially good day to play with crossbows, guns, machetes, flame throwers, mortars, heavy artillery, knives, ninja throwing stars, spears, maces, or nuclear weaponry. At least not all at once. Why not go out and putter about in the garden?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will decide to write a letter to the editor. “Who is this ‘Al Ninyo’ guy,” you’ll say, “and why don’t they just lock him up?”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Time to look for a new job. You should be able to find work as a surgical assistant. And stop worrying so much! Everyone else lies about their background, too.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You, for one, have just about had it with all this “Globalization.” Time to go on a diet!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you aren’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!