the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 1st

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn’t done.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ve got to learn to slow down. You’re driving yourself and everyone around you crazy. Just pretend that your life is a Prince Valiant comic strip.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are being followed by fierce warriers of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Despite your best efforts, you will be unable to get your book published. But all you really need to do is change the title! “A Comparative Study of Invertebrate Parasites” is not likely to be published. But “A Bucket Full Of Leeches”? Now that’s another story.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Another day of social convention defiance, today. You’ll refuse to wear clothes in the “normal” fashion (if at all), and you’ll begin all your business correspondence: “My Darling Snookums:”.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You might consider picking up some holy water and a few stout wooden stakes. They’ll come in handy soon, although I’m not sure how.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.