the daily humorscopes for monday, october 3rd

Monday, October 03, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will have a lot of trouble with non sequiturs. Pizza doesn’t have to have cheese, you know.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

This is a good time to get out there and make a difference! I’m often tempted to do that, but I just can’t figure out where “there” is — every time I get there, it’s here. Maybe if I run really fast? Oh well, if you figure it out, be sure to make a difference.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You might have that mole on your back checked out. It may actually be a gopher.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarrassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to count your blessings. Both of them.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will be attacked by a man wielding a ham sandwich. Fortunately, you will remember your self-defense lessons, and should be able to drive him off using a bunch of celery.