(These jokes are not posted to offend anyone I just have a dry, sometimes twisted sense of humor) From Reader’s Digest
Dark jokes may seem a bit taboo, but sometimes it’s OK to just laugh. We promise we won’t tell anyone that you did.
Life can be a real challenge sometimes, and during those times you may just have to laugh it out—even if that means getting a little dark. While these may not be the best jokes to crack with your mother-in-law or boss, it’s OK to giggle at them on your own or even with some like-minded friends. Dark jokes aren’t for everyone, but laughing at dark jokes could mean you’re a genius. Genius or not, there’s no harm in letting off some steam on the harder days with some dark humor.
1. I don’t have a carbon footprint.
I just drive everywhere.
2. The most corrupt CEOs are those of the pretzel companies.
They’re always so twisted.
3. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark.
But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light!
4. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say?
“T. rex, I’m coming for my hug!”
5. An apple a day keeps the doctor away…
Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.
6. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was just a kid.
7. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
8. I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
9. Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?
When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”
10. The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
Feeling cheesy? Try these corny jokes that will make everyone laugh while they roll their eyes.
11. Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
12. I just got my doctor’s test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.
13. Never break someone’s heart. They only have one.
Break their bones instead. They have 206 of them.
14. My husband is mad that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
15. I childproofed my house
Somehow they still got in!
16. The guy who stole my diary just died. My thoughts are with his family.
17. What’s worse than biting into an apple and discovering a worm?
Biting into an apple and discovering half a worm.
18. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
19. My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf
20. You’re not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
21. A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
22. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
None. Historians have suggested most pirates would have been illiterate.
23. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”
24. My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what she’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
25. What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? Its butt.
26. My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
27. A child determined to burn his home down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm across the mother and stated, “That’s arson.”
28. Imagine when you walked into a bar and there was a lengthy line of individuals ready to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
29. Wife: “I want another baby.”
Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
30. “What’s your name, son?” The principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” “Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked. The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”
31. My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.
I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
32. Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
33. I threw a boomerang a few years ago.
I now live in constant fear.
34. A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone. It’s either terrible news or great news.
35. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic.
I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
36. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
37. My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”
I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
38. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
39. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.
40. I have a joke about trickle down economics. But 99 percent of you will never get it.
41. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.
42. What rhymes with “boo” and stinks?
You.
43. I have a fish that can breakdance.
Just for 20 seconds though and only once.
44. What’s pink and dangerous for your tooth?
A brick.
45. “I work with animals,” the man says to his date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I love a man who cares about animals. Where do you work?”
“I’m a butcher,” he says.
46. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
47. Watching my daughter at the park earlier. Another parent asked, “Which one is yours?” I replied, “I’m still deciding.”
They looked horrified.
48. My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Turns out I’m adopted.
49. When my uncle Frank died, he needed his ashes to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His final wish was to be Frank in Stein.
50. Why do vampires seem sick?
They’re always coffin.
51. Do the very last thing my grandfather stated to me earlier than he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
52. Well, it is true that humans eat more bananas than monkeys just as recent research suggests. I agree because I can’t remember when last I enjoyed eating a monkey.
53. Today I made a decision to go go to my childhood house. I asked the residents if I may come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, however, they refused and slammed the door on my face. My mother and father are the worst.
54. What’s the difference between jelly and jam? You can’t jelly a clown into the tiny automobile.
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