Ancient Art of Splatiomancy

by Andy

humor

In times of Yore, when our ancestors needed to know something, they turned to divination. There has been much written in this paper about the systems they used, such as astrology or fire scrying, and how we can apply those systems to our lives as modern witches. One very popular technique, however, has never been written about: Entrail Reading. It is true. Oftimes, when our ancestors needed to know the future, they would kill animals, look at their insides to divine the future, and serve them up for dinner. For instance, recent scholarship has unearthed the tale of Morgana de Ravenna (Note – even in ancient times, pagans used made up names like Morgana and Raven), a mid-evil pagan witch (the mid-evil period comes in between the early-evil and the late-evil periods).

At dawn of the summer solstice, 942 years ago, Morgana was asked by the village elders to foretell what the coming year would bring. As per her requirements, they brought her a pig to slaughter. They brought it to a clearing, she killed it, let the entrails spill out, and began the Sacred Ritual of the Afore-telling. For hours she danced around pig under the hot sun. After the Afore play was finished, she went over to the pig, got down on her knees, sorted through the entrails and smelled the meat. Then she raised herself up and uttered the prediction: “A Plague of Salmon will soon strike the village” (translated from the original Arabic phrasing: “Salmon El-La”).

The villager elders liked the sound of this, for the fish are good to eat. They took the sacred pig back to the village, cooked it up, and served it for dinner. Sure enough, that very evening, everyone became sick, and many people died. The aforetelling was true, and the people learned never to wake Morgana before noon.

The question is how can we adapt this ancient and powerful art of entrail reading to modern times. Splatiomancy is the answer. Splatiomancy is defined as “the Art of Telling the Future by Interpreting Insect Entrails on the Windshield” (from 1,001 Useless Forms of Divination for the Modern Pagan).

This family tradition is handed down from Mother-in-Law to Mother-in-Law, smiting hapless husbands along the way. It originated in the Detroit area, the ancestral home of the Way of the Horseless Carriage. As my own mother-in-law is from Detroit, and a high priestess of the Ford tradition (high priestesses have owned at least three different models of Ford vehicles), she has initiated me in its ways. To this day, she occasionally tests me with the ritual phrasing: “Aren’t You Ever Going To Get This Thing Washed?” when she wants me to do a reading.

Before you can begin divining, you must prepare your tools. Splatiomancy has just one tool, your “horseless carriage,” or car as we now call it. You must cleanse your car, front and back. Do not forget the roof and undercarriage because “as above, so below.” While a “drive though” car wash is acceptable, a personal cleansing is preferable.

A patient seeker will find that some of the fueling shrines of the carriage are equipped with wondrous wands that aid greatly in the invocation of water. These will multiply the effectiveness of your cleansing at least until the buzzer announces that your time is almost up.

Pay special attention to the windshield, for it is here that you will read the secrets of the entrails. If this area is not spotless, your reading will be muddled with the omens of drives long past.

At its heart, Splatiomancy is a local art. The insects you drive through are local, and thus must your reading be based on local signs. Make a map of your local area. Divide the map into regions, and figure out the energies of each of those regions. Above is the map I created for the Seattle area.

Take your map and copy the regions from it to your windshield. I find lipstick works well for this. If you live in a vertically oriented area, as we do, you may find it easier to use east for the top of the map. All maps used to have the orient (which was east) on top, hence the word “orientation.”

I have divided the Seattle area into 12 regions called “garages”. They are, with their energies:

Contented Cows: A peaceful, quiet garage where chewing your cud all day seems like a good idea. Not thinking about things.

Microsoft: The high tech garage. All things electronica reside here.

Boeing: The garage of war and strife. If your energies are destructive, this garage is for you.

Bellevue: The garage of greed and calculation. Trapped between the garages of Microsoft and Boeing, who are constantly warring for capitalist supremacy, Bellevue is about exploiting your situation for your personal ends. If you are successful, you move to…

Billionia: The garage of the super-rich. A region of idols and the idle.

Amazonia: Not the garage of Amazons, but of Amazon.com. A place where knowledge comes at a price, but shipping and handling is free with an upgrade code.

Capital Hill: This is the garage of has-been. Like the Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco, this garage may once have been a cool counter-culture area. Now it is the domain of over-priced yuppie stores pretending that time has not passed them by.

U of W: The garage of the real counter-culture, in all its smelly dread-locked glory. It may be dirty, but at least it is honest. The university also adds an air of learning, without the fees of Amazonia.

Suburbia: The garage of people, houses, and everyday life. Strong in the energy of doing things behind closed doors that you hope your neighbors will never find out about (unless, of course, you can talk them into joining you…)

The Zoo: This is where the wild things are. If you like animals or nature, this is your garage.

Stadium Heaven: The garage of sports and recreation for the masses. Or the garage of a fool and his money, depending on your perspective on professional sports and stadiums.

Sea-Tac: This is the garage of the air and of getting away from it all.

Now that the car is prepared, begin your ritual. Take up your keys and go out to your car. Circle your car three times widdershins, for widdershins is the direction the wheels roll. Use the following invocations to the Lord and Lady:

Asphaltia, Goddess of the Highways and By-Ways, come to us. Great lady of the Crossroads and all other Intersections, guide us so that we do not go astray. Asphaltia, guard and protect us from the highway patrol.

Spacius, Great God of Parking, come to us. Lord of the Open Road and the Open Spot, bring us to your sacred space, that we may always have room to park. Protect us from the vultures of the lots and from the scourge of the meter maid.

Next you must call the little folk, the flying ones to be part of your rite:

Flying ones, buzzing ones, come to us. Sprites of the air, you who sting or drink blood, join us. Your lives will bring us the sacred knowledge. You who are about to die, we salute you.

Now enter the sacred carriage and drive. Play some pagan music, and focus your mind on the future. The rite is best performed by the last light of the setting sun, and with your headlights shining as a beckon. The winged spirits abound at this time. After a few miles, you will find your entrails are ready to be interpreted.

There are three factors to consider in your entrails: Color, Placement, and Legs.

Color is the Signifier in Splatiomancy. It defines to whom the scrying applies. Look at your splat. What color is it? The color yellow is the color of the sun, of the center. It represents you. Red is the color of love, and thus represents a significant other. Green is the color of trees, standing together, and represents your friends. And blue is the color of the Big Blue Marble, representing the world as a whole.

Next look at where the splat is on your windshield. Check what garage it is in and think about the energies of that garage. If you are local to Seattle, you can use the associations listed above.

And finally, how many legs and/or wings can you see in the sacred splat. These do not need to be distinct, in fact they rarely are. Just look at it and count in your mind. The number of legs and wings is the Sign of your scrying and tells how the splat is to be interpreted. Zero is the Sign of Abstinence. Never had it, never will. One is the Sign of Masturbation. It represents enough to get you through the night, but nothing more. Two is the Sign of the Couple. It is balanced, and enough to go around, but it can get stale. A good sign for stability. Three is the Sign of the Three-Way. It is wild, unstable, and more than people need. This sign can represent hidden desires. And four (or more) is the Sign of the Orgy. This is a crazy level of abundance and can represent too much of a good thing.

Now do your scrying. Look at the Sacred Splat. In April, I did a scrying and got a yellow splat in the Garage of Billionia. There were no surviving legs or wings so the Sign was zero. Personal abstinence in the garage of the super rich. So I sold my Microsoft stock. Now look at it, off by 35% from where I sold. Thank you Splatiomancy. Note that the splat was not in the house of Mircosoft. That would have meant my computer was going to die.

Let’s do another example. Say you get a blue splat with two legs and two wing pieces in the Garage of Boeing. Blue is the global color. Boeing is the Garage of War. Two legs and two wing pieces (remember, just count them all) is the Sign of the Orgy. Pack your bags and head for the survivalist bunker, we are talking World War III. If you also get a yellow, zero-legged, Billionia that means you should liquidate your assets before going to the bunker. I’m sure this paper can get you a good deal for any assets you care to liquidate. After all, you will need seeds much more than a car after the Blue Bug hits.

A final example, more complicated this time. Last fall, I got a green splat (friends) with three legs (three-way = wild) in the Garage of the U of W (smelly, counterculture). I also got a two-legged (couple = stability) blue splat (global) in the Garage of the Contented Cow (unthinking). It also had a five-legged (orgy), green (local) splat in the Garage of Boeing (War). Unbalanced counterculture, global unthinking, and local war. That was the WTO protests.

Splatiomancy is an ancient, venerated art. Before there were cars, splatiomancers would draw diagrams on their servants, and look at where the bugs bit them and were splattered. Go out and divine with pride knowing you are following the Way of the Horseless Carriage. If you wish to begin an initiation in the Way, the author is available for personal lessons. Rates are reasonable; you pay for the sacred gas, of course. Lessons are in my garage in Bellevue…