You Finally Know You are a Witch When…

© 1998 Connie Gilbert

1. Your BOS has spots on the pages from spilled brews.

2. When cleaning house you have to specify. “Where is the broom? No, not the broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?”

3. Candle wax has dripped on your keyboard.

4. There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.

5. Friends know they can always give you candles and incense as a gift.

6. When watching old re-runs of Bewitched, you find you side with Samantha’s mother Endora.

7. When traveling, stranger and stranger strangers tell you their problems.

8. You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the grocery store (well, I thought about it).

9. You ask for Halloween off, because it’s a religious holiday.

10. You start answering the phone with “Merry Meet”.

 

Source

 

The Cauldron

You Might be a Redneck Pagan If…

---

If any part of your invocation of the South Quarter includes any lines from any song by Lynard Skynard….

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb…..

If part of your rite includes throwing shotgun shells on the fire….

If the bell on your alter was ever worn by an animal in a pasture….

If the cakes and wine are done with a bowie-knife, a can of Foster’s, and a Little Debbie…..

If they chose their High Priestess at a wet t-shirt contest….

If when your priestess says “Blessed Be” in circle, you respond with “YEEE-HAW!”…

If you believe a pentagram is a Western Union message to 5 people….

If you bought your chalice at the Piggly Wiggly…..

If you buy your incense and candles at Wal-Mart….

If you call the God and Goddess by hollerin’ “Hey, y’all! Watch me!”….

If you call the North Quarter, but what you call it is an inner court secret…..

If you can play the “Burning Times” on the banjo….

If you carry your ritual sword in your pickup’s gun rack…..

If you found out your familiar is an oppossum — and still ate it……..

If you have combined Maypole Dancing/ Tractor Pull/ Turkey Shoot for Beltane….

If you have cast a love spell on livestock….

If you have ever called the National Enquirer because you raised a potato that resembled the Willendorf Goddess….

If you’ve ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV….

If you’ve ever written a spell on the back of a Denny’s menu…..

If you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg…..

If you invoke the spirits so that your beer lasts longer…..

If you pray nightly to the god of big tires…..

If you sacrifice BBQ and pork rinds on an alter made of old car hoods….

If you shoot guns into the air when the priestess says, “the circle is open but never unbroken”…

If you smoke Salem cigarettes for the historical significance….

If you think a “family tradition” is a dating club….

If you think the Wiccan Rede is good for making twig furniture….

If you worship the gods of cheap beer and Nascar….

If you’ve ever done a candle spell for your local high-school football team….

If you’ve ever harvested ritual herbs with a weed whacker…..

If you’ve ever meditated to “Dueling Banjos”…..

If you’ve reached the 3rd Degree but not the third grade……

If your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley…..

If your Goddess picture says “Miss September” at the bottom……

If your Wand of Power is a cattle prod…..

If your altar cloth is a Confederate flag…..

If your altar cloth is vinyl……

If your altar cloth says “Holiday Inn” or “Howard Johnson’s”….

If your altar has a spit cup…..

If your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne’s star on the “Hollywood Walk of Fame”…..

If your annointing oil smells like Old Spice…..

If your athame is by Bowie…..

If your broom has 4 wheel drive and SC plates…..

If your ceremonial chalice says “Budweiser” on it….

If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube-top…..

If your circle dance contains the words “dosey-do”……

If your circle dance is a two-step….

If your coven chose its High Priest at a belching contest….

If your coven’s secret names for the God and Goddess are “Cooter” and “Sweet Cheeks”….

If your coven-stead is propped up on cinder blocks…..

If your craft name starts with “Bubba”……

If your familiar can point quail….

If your familiar keeps mice out of the granary…..

If your favorite Great Rite partner is your first, second, and third cousin….

If your backyard ritual libation is brewed in an illegal backyard still……

If your favorite painting of the Goddess does her hair like Rheba McEntire….

If your maiden sweeps the circle with a weed whacker….

If your most sacred altar items include a hubcap, a velvet painting, and a half-empty can of chaw…..

If your outdoor circle has defunct washing machines for quarter altars….

If your pantheon includes Yukon Jack, Jim Beam and the St. Pauli Girl…

If your ritual music has ever included Johnny Cash singing “Ring of Fire”….

If your robes are made out of denim with Harley Davidson patches…..

Well, you might just be a redneck pagan!!

 

Author: Blue Unicorn

Website: Pagan Library

Top Ten Ways To Piss Off A Pagan

 

1. Ask them if they are Satan worshipers.
2. Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still daylight. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4. Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5. Sharpen their dull, black-handled knife.
6. Witness to them about the ‘One True Religion’.
7. Untie the knots in their cord.
8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9. Play card games with their Tarot deck.
10. Ask them if they are Satan worshipers.