the daily humorscope
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will discover a large deposit of gold, when you’re out on a stroll. Unfortunately, wealth will not make you happy.
Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
You will invent a new type of lingerie
, and will make millions
. The stripes are the key to your success. You will call it “Ze Bra.”
(July 23 – August 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
(August 23 – September 22)
This might be a good time to consider night school
. That’s night, not knight. Unless you enjoy clanking around in armor, of course. Some people do.
(September 23 – October 22)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
A very pale young woman wielding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
You will dream about arrows without points, tonight, and it will have a deeply spiritual significance for you. You won’t know what to make of the episode with the lime Jell-O, though.
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
(February 19 – March 20)
If you keep going the way you are, you’ll soon be fit as a fiddle! (And as you know, a fiddle is very buff, for a stringed instrument.)