the daily humorscope
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).
If you’ve been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.
You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.
You will have trouble with the telephone
, in which, no matter what number you call, you reach “Mo’s Leather Emporium.” Don’t take it lightly.
(July 23 – August 22)
You are about to start
a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze.” You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
(August 23 – September 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
(September 23 – October 22)
Good time to be happy-go-lucky! You’ll find that works out a lot better than the sad-go-accident-prone you’ve been trying.
You will go to a wedding soon, at which you will be uncomfortable. You’ll have fun throwing rice, though. In fact, chances are good that you’ll take up rice throwing as a hobby. “It’s not just for weddings any more,” you’ll say.
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
(February 19 – March 20)
You will soon need to look older than you actually are. Bushy eyebrows generally do the trick. You’ll find that a little rubber cement and a pair of sleepy hamsters are just what you need.
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