the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 12

  the daily humorscopes   

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 22

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 22, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It’s your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Hide.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Your neighbours will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 20

the daily humorscope    

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II.”

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!.”

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 19

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Beware of poltergeists, today.

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, “The Curse Of The Mummy’s Nose”, told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 18

the daily humorscope 

Monday, June 18, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 12

     the daily humorscope     

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Aries              (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Taurus              (April 20 – May 20)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer.  The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do.” (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Gemini              (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.   
Cancer              (June 21 – July 22)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it.  Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Leo              (July 23 – August 22)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.   
Virgo              (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to shuffle your feet.  Remember: it’s OK to shuffle your feet or to shuffle your cards, but you should never shuffle your nose.
Libra              (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles.  After that, trust no one.   
Scorpio              (October 23 – November 21)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold.  Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names.  Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light.  Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe.  (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Sagittarius              (November 22 – December 21)
People are starting to take you a bit too seriously.  Try wearing your bunny slippers to work.
Capricorn              (December 22 – January 20)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems.  You will call it SchizoSoft.  Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”
Aquarius              (January 21 – February 18)
Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you.  This is a good time to be afraid.   
Pisces              (February 19 – March 20)
Your requests are being ignored.  Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”

Daily Cosmic Calendar for June 10

For the most part, yesterday’s softer and more nurturing cosmic tone remains in place. However, a Mercury-Pallas square of 90-degrees (12:33AM PDT) is an early signal that problem-solving may be difficult to accomplish this morning. This Mercury-Pallas challenging aspect reminds you to avoid mental burnout and useless worrying.  Meanwhile, healing forces are back on the march – courtesy of the monthly Moon-Chiron union in Pisces (6:29AM PDT) – reinforced by their parallel at 8:13AM PDT. Tune into your morning dreams and visions. Write down revelations and consider their wider meaning in the next 48 hours since Chiron is about to become virtually motionless tomorrow night as this unusual comet-like celestial body begins a reversal that lasts until November 14.  There is more excitement and stimulation arriving on the scene this morning since the Sun forges an inspirational, 72-degree link with Uranus (7:44AM PDT) while Ceres in Taurus opposes Juno in Scorpio (9:10AM PDT). The Sun-Uranus encounter encourages advanced studies in metaphysics, science and kindred subjects. The Ceres-Juno polarity is a reminder to treat dear ones, friends and associates with respect and understanding. Be a good listener in matters of the heart and steer clear of arm-twisting maneuvers to prove a point.  Maintain a clear consciousness this evening as Mercury makes an inspirational, 72-degree link to Mars (8:30PM PDT). This is also a good aspect when it comes to diving into your favorite arts, crafts, hobbies and construction projects.  Get set for a day of profound changes and shifts in mood tomorrow as giant Jupiter changes signs, Mercury connects with two of the outer planets, and Chiron pauses in Pisces on its way into a five-month retreat.