A New Understanding
Yesterday I went to a site I have recently become involved with and nosed around for a while. Of course what interested me most were the courses of study they offered: Wicca, Druidism, Master Religions, etc.
Ordained as a Reverend, Bishop, and Wiccan High Priestess; self dedicated years ago as High Priestess to Goddess, I immediately was given to doubts as to my worthiness to these titles. I needed more education, more credentials!! I suddenly became most unworthy in my mind. I have never been involved in a “real” Wiccan environment, so how can I claim to be Wiccan? I am a solitary witch by personal choice. Yes, I’ve studied and read and asked hundreds of questions. Done several “on-line” courses. I’ve done all of the “steps” to be Wiccan; I’m very active in on-line covens, etc, but I’ve never been active in a hands-on coven, with people who look at me and say, yes, she’s a High Priestess, she did all the steps, we saw her do it!! I mean – to be “Christian” I had to be baptized twice!! Go to Sunday school from a little child and be an active member of a church, only then, I was told, could I be “Christian”. Knowing that I am no longer adhere to fundamentalist Christian beliefs and knowing that paganism is deep within my very being, how on this earth or in God/dess’ heaven I could even claim to be a “title” was well, on my part, stupid, ignorant, pompous!!!
Doubt ran amuck!! Which course was I to take to make myself “authentic”? A REAL Christian, a REAL Wiccan, a REAL something!! Would one be enough? How many do I take? Will I have to “give up” my personal beliefs and believe only one way? Could I continue to blend my knowings, my understandings and still be my titles? Where on earth was I going to come up with the money for all of this…I panicked.
I go to a wise and gentle friend who is a High Priest of Wicca, a Bishop, who dedicated me, whom I have great respect for. Sending his response back to me I began to ponder it and found myself “reading” between the lines…the message I received was; “This is all well and good and more education is always welcomed, you can never have enough information; but, why? I know you, you have more than met any and all requirements to hold these titles”…OK….Why?
Why do I have these doubts when in my gut and heart I know exactly who I am and who I am connected too? Why do I allow myself to fall back into the darkness and have to crawl my way back into the light? Why do I doubt something I KNOW to be true and doubt myself for being where I am right now? Isn’t this doubting my Lady and Lord?
Contemplating the “why” I begin to remember these past years of study, hard study, hard thinking, commitments I have come to, dedications I have had, promises I have made. All the bridges I have crossed with friends and family, in some cases total strangers, and realized to doubt is to find an answer. To allow one understanding to die in order for another to live is to shed darkness for light.
Goddess reminded me that I am first and foremost truly in love with Her, so much so that I cannot imagine a second without Her. She sustains me, guides me, and teaches me. She has introduced all of the “unseen” to my eyes, so that I “see” Her awesome creation (s). I know her to be in every particle and molecule of my life. She makes the words of my brother Jesus, other sisters and brothers (Masters and Teachers) who have come before and after, understood in my mind. She intervenes and allows me to understand my Father God, the lessons I am to learn in this life’s journey. She reminded me that I am just exactly where she wants me to be, right now, this moment. To “be” something, Wiccan, Baptist, High Priestess, any title is fine; mans’ words, mans’ titles; man’s religions, but She knows exactly who I am and I am Hers, of Her, Her Daughter and that I am loved…unconditionally.
You see, I forgot for one human minute, that I haven’t the right to say, ”I am not worthy”. I forgot in my humanness that I do not, under any circumstances, have the right to discount anything or anyone that She places in my life. I had forgotten exactly how worthy I am. She tells me every time I hear the bird sing, hug my grandchildren, gently touch the face of my beloved. She shows me in the clouds and in the quiet of the morning, the deep of the night in the awesome power of a magnificent storm. When I stand proudly under a full moon and raise my arms in praise and eternal connection She reminds me who I am, who She is, who They are.
The decision I made? The knowing I came to? The lesson I was taught? Accept myself with pride, humility, and love. To KNOW that all will be given to me to understand and to use for Her as She/They see fit. If this includes further studies, then so be it; but it will be for information, not for personal identification. I understand now that all I have to do is just allow myself to be. Allow myself to be held, protected, guided and most of all loved – unconditionally.
She helped me understand that people need titles and those who hold them, to feel safe and secure. If someone seeing my title of Rev, Bishop, or High Priestess brings them to me for a need in their lives, then I trust that my Lady and Lord will use me and give me words of wisdom and the action (s) I need to meet their needs – to learn to love them – unconditionally.
Will I doubt again? Probably, I am human. But no longer will I panic. Instead rejoice within the darkness knowing light and understanding are just around the corner.
As I sit here I feel Her smiling gently, softly caressing my hair and saying, ”Now my daughter, isn’t this ever so much better?”
Yes, My Mother, My Goddess, it is.
Rev/Bishop/High Priestess COCM, ULC