the daily humorscope
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden, somewhat irrational desire to drive to Camden, New Jersey, and visit the Soup Tureen Museum. Fortunately, you will restrain yourself.
Poit twoonie squaggle? Floon morble tid bubbu taha, hen? Hen?
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will find a biography of some famous dead person, at a garage sale, and buy it on a whim. It will change your life. You will also soon take up bricklaying, as a hobby.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.
You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.
You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existance around you.
Bad day to call someone a “whiney gen-x cybercowboy”. Tomorrow’s better, for that one.
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Some types of pest control are best handled by professionals. And if you don’t act soon, it will end up costing far more money. Still, it’s embarrassing when the neighbors see a man in coveralls step out of the van with a huge plastic dead lawyer on top, and walk into your house carrying the spray tank. It’s hard to pretend they’re just spraying for roaches…
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