Month: June 2011

Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, June 26

The radiant Sun forms a dynamic square with radical Uranus today, shaking up the status quo and driving us to the edge of unorthodox behavior. We’re tempted to take unnecessary risks to express our eccentricities, however fleeting they may be now. We need not worry if someone accuses us of being weird as long as we remember to treat others nicely. And, the practical Taurus Moon reminds us that we can also find satisfaction in simple pleasures.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You might do something that upsets someone today because you’re willing to gamble your security for the possibility of an amazing experience. You’re more ready than ever to push the envelope of your reality. However, caution is advised because you won’t likely get what you want unless you are willing to make a strategic plan first. Remember, what you do before you take action is as important as what you do after.

 

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Chaotic Uranus can take you for a wild ride today, leading you to temporarily forget that you like things simple. You may feel ready to rock the boat and shake up your mellow routine. However, fulfilling fantasies shouldn’t be your focus; what’s really important is to free up your imagination so you can visualize the amazing possibilities that are outside of the box.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your energy may be scattered today as you try to express yourself in new and different ways. Fortunately, you’re able to bend the rules now or even make them up as you go. It’s exhilarating when everything falls into place and goes according to your plan. Enjoy the fun while you can, but don’t expect it to last. You’ll need to return to reality and take care of unfulfilled obligations sooner or later.

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Restless Uranus squares the Sun in your sign today, provoking you to come out of hiding. You aren’t overly concerned about the consequences of your actions now because it feels as if you can get away with being yourself without others judging you. Although acting spontaneously is refreshing, you could still do something foolish if you don’t consider how you might feel later. It’s great to express yourself, but think before you act.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You have big dreams about what you want to do for adventure, but it may not be that easy to turn your ideas into reality. Instead of procrastinating today, it’s smarter to take the time now to create a concrete plan. It’s a mistake to think that anything is possible unless you’re willing to put in the effort required. Fortunately, you have more time than you think, so don’t overreact and try to do everything at once.

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may feel as if you’re under a lot of stress today, but your desire to do the right thing can turn a difficult day into a memorable one. Don’t worry about how to get others to support your agenda. Instead, simply do the very best job you can, even if you must do it alone. Ultimately, your performance will exceed everyone else’s expectations of what you should do.

 

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It’s challenging to motivate yourself today, for you may feel unusually calm, even in the center of a storm. The unexpected chaos that’s brewing around you only encourages you to hold fast to your current position. However, your immunity to change won’t last; take preemptive action, rather than passively waiting for the lightning to strike.

 

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You need to be careful today or you could become so involved with a project that it takes over your entire day. Something that begins as a minor chore could grow more complicated as you mull over your options. A brilliant plan might come to you in a sudden flash of inspiration, tempting you to take immediate action. But impulsive behavior could demonstrate your recklessness rather than your intelligence. Be patient; the best ideas develop over time.

 

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your enthusiasm is high today, yet it’s tough to know exactly what to do with your unconventional desires. Unfortunately, if you attempt to ignore your needs, they will only grow stronger. However, you could easily upset the stability of a comfortable relationship now if you just blurt out what you want. Choose an appropriate moment and discuss your feelings casually without becoming overly attached to what happens next.

 

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

It isn’t easy today to stick to your customary role of being the responsible one in your family or group of friends. You are suddenly eager to explore undiscovered facets of yourself. You are even tempted to take a quantum leap of faith and blast through a self-imposed limitation. Instead of shocking others with your uncharacteristic behavior, simply start by revealing your thoughts. Once you are ready, transform your brilliant ideas into positive action.

 

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may be difficult to deal with today because you don’t want to do what’s expected of you. Your key planet, rebellious Uranus, squares the Sun in your 6th House of Daily Routines, prompting you to break the rules. However, you might try to hide your radical behavior now because you don’t want to be rejected by those you love. Go ahead and take a risk; others won’t judge you as harshly as you’re judging yourself. Coloring outside of the lines is your best approach.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You are on edge today and even those things that usually seem comforting can provoke free-floating anxiety. You are being stretched tightly and something is ready to snap at the slightest little provocation. Unfortunately, you could feel even worse if you go over the edge and lose your temper. Discussing your fears rationally now is a better strategy than ignoring them, for they won’t go away until the underlying issue is addressed.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 26

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

Let’s start out with a very serious subject………

I have been sitting here watching a channel that is going to show “JFK” tonight.  I was a baby when this happened. I remembered the horses pulling the casket and that’s it. Perhaps I don’t have all my facts but I can’t make up my mind who killed President Kennedy. I do know JFK was a great man and can you imagine what the country might be like now. I can’t even dream that because I don’t know the era in which all this occurred. I see news clips of the Age of Aquarius, Woodstock and some other unfortunate things I do not want to mention. So where am I going with this? I was just curious if anyone had any idea of what might have happened to Kennedy, was it the CIA, Mafia, Cuban mercenaries, or was it just Oswald by himself who acted alone?

Then the plot thickens as Oswald is brought out of the Police Department and Jack Ruby lays in wait for him. Ruby shots him and hours later Oswald dies. Do you think Ruby was a patsy used to kill Oswald to keep him quiet?

Some thought-provoking questions, got an opinion, let’s hear it!

Unblocking Blast

  1. Place  an incense burner filled with frankincense under a straight back chair. Light it.

  2. Sit on the chair, ideally in the nude.

  3. Wrap a plain white sheet around yourself, just under your chin. The chair will be covered up as will you, except for your head. Be vigilant for fire safety.

  4. Sit for between five and fifteen minutes, focusing on the smoke driving your bad luck away.

Yemaya’s Unblocking Spell (2)

If you can’t swim or are afraid of water, you may still petition Yemaya.

  1. Sit down in the sand at the waterline.

  2. As the waves come in, greet them with your hands, gather up the water from the waves, and toss some over your head, some over your body.

  3. Throw seven white roses to Yemaya.

  4. Come out of the water without turning your back to the ocean. Let the candles burn out.

Yemaya’s Unblocking Spell (1)

Life is filled with obstacles and unhappiness. However Yemaya is the all-powerful mother of all, who desires happiness for her children and will do whatever she can to obtain it for them. To obtain joy and smooth sailing:

  1. Go to the beach.

  2. Dig a small pit in the sand.

  3. Light white and/or blue candles. Make your petition.

  4. Enter the water. Greet Yemaya in her guise as mermaid or as a beautiful woman rising up from the sea. Offer her seven white roses.

  5. Immerse yourself completely seven times.

Today’s I Ching Hexagram for Saturday, June 25

28: Excessive Pressure

Hexagram 28
 
General Meaning: Something is out of balance. This hexagram points to some pressure that is threatening stability and needs correcting. But if a dam is about to burst, moving out of the way is the first priority.

When a person in a sagging mine shaft feels the earth begin to tremble, it is time for quick, instinctive action and nimble footwork. At a time like this, only extraordinary measures will work. When the roof is collapsing, run first, choose your destination later.

Extraordinary times bring out the best and worst in people. Natural disasters bring with them stories of great heroism — but also looting and rioting. When the pressure is on, powerful moments present opportunities to make positive gains. Everything is in a state of flux. One can either move towards positive change and improvement or towards stagnation.

This may be the moment you’ve been waiting for. Although a current challenge may seem to be more than you can handle, remember that a flood reaches its high-water mark for only a few brief moments, and then begins to subside. Action must be taken now to ensure opportunities for success later on. You will never discover the true extent of your own abilities until you, at least once in your life, dive into a crisis with complete abandon, dedicating every ounce of your energy, every fiber of your being, to the cause at hand.

Dare to win.

Today’s Tarot Card for Everyone:

The Star

This Tarot Deck: Sacred Rose

General Meaning: What has traditionally been known as the Star card is about reconnecting one’s Soul with the Divine — the transcending of personality, family, community and reputation. It has to do ultimately with the freedom to be one’s Self. The Soul is responding to celestial influences — forces that can provide the personality with a stronger sense of purpose. The Star card helps us to remember our exalted origins and our attraction to a Higher Union.

This card could also be called the “Celestial Mandate” — that which refers us back to our reason for being, our mission in this lifetime. The Star reminds us that, in a sense, we are agents of Divine Will in our day-to-day lives. If we let go of the idea that we are supposed to be in control, we can more easily notice and appreciate the synchronicities that are nudging us along. In this way, we become more conscious of the invisible Helping Hand, and we better understand our place within — and value to — the larger Cosmos.

Daily Horoscopes for Saturday, June 25

The insistent Aries Moon provokes strong reactions, but it’s difficult to sustain a feeling once the moment has passed. Clever Mercury challenges feisty Mars, stirring up even more unrest. Thankfully, the Moon’s shift into uncomplicated Taurus at 4:52 pm EDT helps settle our agitated emotions. Though the stabilizing Taurus Moon lures us toward simpler pleasures, the Sun’s sextile to expansive Jupiter focuses our attention on the distant horizon.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You’re likely to step on someone’s toes as mischievous Mercury aspects warrior Mars. You might not even realize that your behavior is reckless because the self-directed Aries Moon encourages you to act first and think about it later. Remember, an impulsive response can get you into trouble because your immediate reaction might be off the mark. Wait until next week to make any major decisions if you can.

 

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are able to anticipate the Moon’s return to sensible Taurus later today, and you want to make the most of it. Opening your heart to your desires is a healthy strategy, but you may find it difficult to distinguish your attractions from what’s absolutely critical. Make separate lists for your needs and your wants to help you prioritize what’s in front of you.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You can’t prevent the noisy words from buzzing in your ears today, even if they don’t offer the hint of a solution. Messenger Mercury is hyped up from its aspect to angry red Mars, firing your thoughts into a stream of consciousness. But the emotionally turbulent waters morph into a gently meandering river later in the day. Although your sense of urgency might fade, your conviction won’t. Don’t put off making a big decision if you already know what you want.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You appear as if you are strong and silent today, so others may not realize how lost you’re feeling. Your thoughts are running around in circles like a hamster on a wheel, making it difficult to reach a sensible conclusion about what’s happening. Your strategy is to keep your insecurities quiet rather than acknowledging any confusion. Although you’re correct in believing that you should only share your business concerns on a need-to-know basis, discussing your fears with a trusted friend can help you feel much better.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Although you’re pushing yourself to finish a big project, it looks like it might take a little longer than you first expected. You may be tempted to blame someone else for your delay, but the current obstacles are most likely in your way because of you. Listen to the wisdom of the universe and slow down your pace now while you can still solve the problem.

 

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Try to accomplish a lot early in the day since you could become more lackadaisical with the way things are when the Moon enters your 9th House of Future Vision. Your accurate perceptions grow fuzzy, making it impossible to decide much of anything. You might think that waiting will help you understand things better. Although you would prefer to be more practical, the day may still hold a few surprises for you.

 

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You don’t like being put on the spot, especially if it’s on your own territory. You may not be able to express what you’re feeling because you can see things from several points of view. The smartest response today is to take the course of least resistance. Luckily, you can make any performance a successful one. Keep your personal opinions private until you are absolutely sure of your final answer.

 

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You might exhaust yourself today as you run through a mental obstacle course over and over again. However, each time you try to handle the resistance in the same manner, you believe that your strategy will work. Unfortunately, you’re wasting valuable resources by relying on old tactics. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome if you do something radically different now.

 

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

It feels as if you’re running out of time so stop procrastinating, sort things out and initiate your new plan of action. Don’t fret if there are still miscellaneous details to handle. You should be able to fill in more missing pieces as you move along with your strategy. However, it’s important to take advantage of the combustible Aries Moon in your expressive 5th House before the energy mellows later this evening.

 

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be quite eager to get going today, but it’s not yet time to jump the gun. Don’t rush anything; you will intuitively know the exact moment when you should make your move. Keep in mind that your mental preparation is a key ingredient in creating success for your current enterprise. You are being tested to determine if you can narrow your vision and concentrate solely on accomplishing your goals. Stay aware of your process and nudge yourself back on track if you’re lured off course for any reason.

 

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You are able to connect with almost anyone today and, more importantly, you have lots of fun doing it. Unfortunately, you could also waste precious time doing things that are not critical to your goals. It’s wise to rein yourself in early on or you could lose control of your schedule. Fewer distractions now make it easier to find the satisfaction and success that you seek.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be ready to move ahead with a collaborative project today, or you might try to create something special on your own. Luckily, you receive kudos for your current efforts and can gain enough recognition to make your new venture worthwhile. But exercise caution, nonetheless, for you could become so enamored with your own ideas that you cannot clearly judge the potential value of your plan.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, june 25

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, June 25, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An elderly gentleman next to you on the bus will spontaneously combust, today, and you’ll become an instant celebrity when you put him out with a Slurpee ™. Eventually, they’ll make a prime-time TV drama about the incident.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a large black obelisk out on the lawn today, which obviously weighs several tons. You will be amazed at the effort some people put into a practical joke.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of galoots, today.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Several people, quite independently, will tell you moose jokes today, or otherwise attempt to discuss moose with you. This is their subtle way of telling you that you’re having a “bad hair day”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will start having strange dreams of becoming an aquatic creature. Eventually, you’ll spend nearly all your time in the water, and will attempt to get strangers to throw you fish.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.

Evening Prayer for Parents

O dear Goddess, my Eternal Mother,

hear my prayer for my children. I ask you

to bless them and to make them healthy

and strong. Please fill them with your love

and compassion.

O dear God, my Eternal Father, please

protect my children as they grow to maturity.

 Please teach them the virtues of

wisdom, love, and peace, as well as the

happiness in this life and the next.

So mote it be.

Herb of the Day for June 24 is Quinsy-Wort

Quinsy-Wort

Botanical: Asperula cynanchica (LINN.)

—Synonym—Squinancy-wort.

Quinsy-Wort was formerly esteemed a remedy for the disorder the name of which it bears. The specific name, cynanchica, is derived from the GreekKunanchi(dog strangle), from its choking nature.

Its roots, like those of the Galiums and Rubia, yield a red dye, which has been occasionally used in Sweden.

It is no longer applied in medicine.

This is not a common British plant, except locally in dry pastures on a chalky or limehouse soil.

It is a small, smooth plant, 6 to 10 inches high, with very narrow, close-set leaves, four in a whorl, two of each whorl much smaller than the others.

The flowers are in loose terminal bunches, the corollas only 1/6 inch in diameter, pink externally and white inside, and are in bloom during June and July.

Deity of the Day for June 24 is FORSETI (Norse)

Deity of the Day

 

FORSETI (Norse)

Patron god of the Frisians and giver of their laws. Silence had to be kept while drinking from the spring on his holy island, which he had brought forth from the rock with his axe, and beasts on the island could not be harmed. In the Old Norse sources, he appears as the son of Balder, whose hall Glitnir, “Glistening”, is pillared with gold and thatched with silver; he is also a settler of lawsuits and quarrels. Frisian: Fosite, Foseti.

Today’s I Ching Hexagram for June 24 is 50: Cauldron

50: The Cauldron

Hexagram 50
 
General Meaning: The cooking pot symbolizes nourishment and rejuvenation. Sooner or later, good comes to those who do good; joy comes to those who bring humor to others; opportunity comes to those who persist in their dreaming. Rejuvenation is a returning to innate desires — and a re-charging of batteries through the fulfillment of these wishes. This reading suggests nourishment and transformation for people of goodwill. Great good fortune and success are indicated for nourishing relationships.

Healthy, regular sustenance is important, as symbolized by the cooking pot, which provides nourishment to all. When a cycle of humanity reaches its peak, each person’s sustenance comes in the form of his or her deepest needs and highest aspirations.

Rejuvenation means that men and women of talent and insight are being properly nourished and valued. When a society or group is functioning properly, these people are supported, and encouraged to contribute to their best abilities. A fresh approach to old habits is indicated in a period of rejuvenation. Look for ways of putting new life in old forms. Only when great vitality is present can breakthroughs be achieved.

Your Daily Number for June 24: 1

Today is hectic, and it may be necessary for you to make quick decisions and put your leadership skills into action. Your senses are alert. Sounds, colors, and texture are strongly experienced.

Fast Facts

About the Number 1

Theme: Masculine, Creative, Independent, Aggressive
Astro Association: Mercury
Tarot Association: Magician

Today’s Tarot Card for June 24 is The Devil

The Devil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Tarot Deck: Hanson Roberts

General Meaning: What has traditionally been known as the Devil card expresses the realm of the Taboo, the culturally rejected wildness and undigested shadow side that each of us carries in our subconscious. This shadow is actually at the core of our being, which we cannot get rid of and will never succeed in taming. From its earliest versions, which portrayed a vampire-demon, this card evoked the Church-fueled fear that a person could “lose their soul” to wild and passionate forces.

The image which emerged in the mid-1700’s gives us a more sophisticated rendition — that of the “scapegoated Goddess,” whose esoteric name is Baphomet. Volcanic reserves of passion and primal desire empower her efforts to overcome the pressure of stereotyped roles and experience true freedom of soul. Tavaglione’s highly evolved image (Stella deck) portrays the magical formula for harnessing and transmuting primal and obsessive emotions into transformative energies. As a part of the Gnostic message of Tarot, this fearsome passion and power must be reintegrated into the personality, to fuel the soul’s passage from mortal to immortal.

Weekend Lunar Love Horoscopes for June 24 – 26

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

A Dose of Adventure

June 24 – 26

A fast and loose Friday fits the lunar landscape as the Moon is firing through irrepressible Aries. The freedom to change plans and act spontaneously can break through behavioral barriers with bold action and reckless abandon. New experiences and people can be especially stimulating yet impulsiveness can spur attraction or anger that may be regretted in a day or so. There is, though, one softening influence as the Moon makes a sweet sextile with alluring Venus to brighten up the late afternoon and early evening.

There’s a changing of the emotional guard on Saturday afternoon when the Moon swings into earthy Taurus. This comfort-loving sign moves at a slower pace, like Ferdinand the Bull leisurely smelling the flowers. Taurus is all about enjoying the pleasures of the senses, encouraging us to linger over good food and lounge around partaking in pleasing music or mellow conversation. Normally, this isn’t a very adventurous sign which would prefer to stay on the couch than go out to a club. However, a lunar conjunction with adventurous Jupiter and the Sun’s slick sextile to this giant planet add a big dose of optimism and a generosity of spirit that could make for a very special Saturday night.

The quiet confidence of Taurus is rewarded when we are comfortable with ourselves and don’t work so hard to impress others. Hope can be very high with these buoyant aspects, but it’s not quite the moment to make long-term commitments because whatever delicious social treats we discover on Saturday may taste very differently on Sunday. The Sun clashes with rebellious Uranus in a 90-degree square, making us suddenly more interested in independence and freedom than in pairing up and settling down.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 24

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 24, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.