the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, May 26, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, december 15t

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, December 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be on your way downtown today, when you will be struck by an odd thought. Fortunately it will bounce harmlessly off you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Stay home today, with the curtains drawn and the door locked. Trust me on this one.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonaisse and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s your breath that makes people look at you like that.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass.” One must have standards, after all.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good week to greet everyone with great enthusiasm. For example, “Bob! You’re still alive!” (Everyone likes to feel appreciated.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help

the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 8th

the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, October 08, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, september 7th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be accosted today by several of those people who think only of themselves, and who believe that “sharing” is something that little kids have to do. Despite this, I recommend against turning them over your knee and spanking them — unless you think you can get away with it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Not an especially good day to do anything involving contact cement. At least not if you have plans to go anywhere.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it’s becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, june 26

the daily humorscope

 

Sunday, June 26, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good time to get your finances in order. Luckily, in your case that simply means putting the one dollar bills in front of the fives, in your wallet.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Slow day today. Surprisingly, it will be due to a time/space anomaly caused by a localised anti-tachyon surge, and will mainly occur in your neighbourhood. Time-flow should return to normal soon.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to discuss zoospores (motile usually naked and flagellated asexual spores, especially of an alga or lower fungus) with casual acquaintances.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 24

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 24, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Through a casual remark in an elevator, you will realise that both you and your fellow passenger have seen John Cleese’s informational film called How To Irritate People. By the time you reach the 10th floor, you will both be severely vexed with one another.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’re in luck! What you thought was existential nausea is really only a mild case of salmonella poisoning. So you can sell back that Complete Works of Jean-Paul Sartre.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Despite protests from a variety of organizations, you will organize a charity event called a “squid fling”. Due in part to excellent media coverage, you will be quite successful. Mostly, though, you will succeed because nearly everyone has a secret desire to fling a squid.
 
 
 

Daily Horoscopes for Wednesday, May 18

 

General Daily Horoscope

 

Today’s philosophical Sagittarius Moon widens our horizons and expands our visions beyond the normal boundaries. Fully opening our eyes allows us to see the world from a new perspective. However, we are tempted to resist inspirational ideas now as the Moon forms discomforting sesquisquares with Venus, Mercury and Mars in pragmatic Taurus. Fortunately, it’s possible to feel enthusiastic about the possibilities without needing to act on any them.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your impatience could get the best of you today. Even if you have important responsibilities to fulfill, you still might try to sidestep them so you have time for more pleasurable activities, too. Although you could feel invincible now, you probably won’t be able to escape unnoticed. Don’t be surprised if you are held accountable for any inconsiderate actions. As is often the case for you, thinking about the consequences before leaping into action is the smartest strategy.

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

It’s not productive to spend too much time questioning your values today, even if someone’s behavior makes you wonder about your own priorities. Nevertheless, your desires may not be as altruistic as someone else’s now. Keep in mind that everyone is different and comparing yourself to anyone else is a pointless exercise. What’s most important is simply being true to yourself.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The enthusiastic Sagittarius Moon is visiting your 7th House of Partners, indicating that others may encourage you to take on more than you want to handle. Fortunately, you can be revitalized by what you accomplish if you agree to participate in someone’s project. But you might already be busy today, and turning down an invitation could place you in an awkward position. Nevertheless, it’s better to be honest now than sorry later.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You may be rather surprised with your current willingness to get involved in someone’s plan now, especially if you need to relinquish control. It might even be a relief to be a passenger without having to also play the role of a back seat driver. It doesn’t matter what kind of activities you have on your calendar; the thought of doing something different today brings a smile to your face.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

The upbeat Sagittarius Moon is traveling through your playful 5th house now, giving you the green light to kick up your heels and have fun. No matter how busy you are, make a little time today just for yourself. Get outside for a walk, schedule a massage, or do something creative that helps you to unwind. Take care of yourself and recharge your batteries. Today, it’s truly all about you.

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Usually others rely on you to think critically and analyze the situation. But you may not be very logical now because you’re seeing the world through a very optimistic lens. Fortunately, your life could be in really good shape, but you still might be happier if you delay an important decision and simply enjoy yourself today. The Moon’s visit to your 4th House of Family suggests that you should take time to relax at home instead of making your imprint on the world. Even if there’s plenty of work to do, grab the chance to play for a while, instead.

 

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your idea of making it through the day might not include keeping so busy that you cannot find a moment to relax. Unfortunately, you may not have time to slow down and enjoy yourself. Thankfully, your willingness to be flexible can be your secret weapon, allowing you to have fun while maintaining your hectic schedule. You can always do what you wish on another day.

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be lost in your current exploration of grandiose ideas about what you want to accomplish now, but you won’t make much progress if you try to do too much. Your energy level is high, enabling you to respond to others quickly, but you can easily burn through your reserves faster than you expect. You might think that you’re like the Energizer Bunny, but it’s smarter to react slowly and steadily like the tortoise if you want to finish the race.

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You cannot contain your excitement now that the Moon is back in your enthusiastic sign. You are already aware that you are dealing with some challenging issues, and this increases your desire to have some fun now, while you can. Don’t waste energy feeling guilty about being spontaneous and avoiding your responsibilities. If you’re not gone for too long, you can slip back and finish your chores before anyone realizes that you stepped away.

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Playing down your confidence is one way of sneaking in below the radar today. If your co-workers are aware of your positive energy, they will likely expect even more from you. However, if they can’t see the glint in your eye, you could get away with some mischievous behavior. Your strategy may be sound, but your plan can backfire. You’ll have a better shot at having fun now by letting the good times roll instead of holding yourself back.

 

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your friends are the source of inspiration today as they include you in their adventurous plans. Unfortunately, things get complicated when there are overlapping events because you can’t do two things simultaneously. Make choices early in the day to lessen the stress that will arise if you try to juggle too many activities. For now, less is still better than more.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

The Moon’s current visit to your 10th House of Public Responsibility can temporarily turn you into a mother hen as you realize how much others need your help. But you would be wise to carefully examine your motives, even if you think that your intentions are honorable. Your need to save another lost soul and cure the sick is admirable if you are driven by true compassion. But your assistance might not be as helpful as you think if you’re trying to prove to others how much you care.