the daily humorscope
Saturday, October 08, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will tell a total stranger that you’re “sick and tired of salad”, today. The stranger will recoil in shock and horror.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
While idly doodling on a notepad, today, you will accidentally draw a symbol sacred to an ancient voodoo deity, and will open a gap into part of the astral plane that is even less appealing than Akron, Ohio.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a joke today, you will get an alarmed expression on your face, crouch on someone’s carpet, and start making disgusting “huck, huck!” sounds. The joke’s on you, though, since they will insist that you eat some hairball remedy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be visited by missionaries today, and will finally have an excellent opportunity to slip into your demon costume before opening the door.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your manager will be a twit, today. That’s ok, though — it’s what he’s paid for.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbor’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbor is the Energizer Bunny.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember … er … now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A tomato features in today’s cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinnacle of excitement for today.