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the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Your Business & Career Horoscopes for the Week of May 21

Your Business & Career Horoscopes for the Week of May 21

Aries

It’s where you’ve been held back or penned in on the work front that you’re finally able to put your foot down and go for it this week, spurred on by a new sense of urgency on the income front. It was only last week that Mars, planet of passion, drive and ambition faced his last hurdle and not due to leave your work sector until the 4th July what has been a marathon is switching back to a sprint again. As you come into the home straight of a journey that began last November, you’re no longer green behind the ears and you have a wealth of experience and professional hindsight to draw on. This allows you to pick your battles wisely at what is a time for putting your head down and your tail up, putting everything you have into everything you do.

Taurus

There is a new level of confidence on the work front this week and it’s coming from the fact that things have shifted to support your hard work and effort and all the drudge work put in, in the past. Saturn, the only planet in either of your professional houses, has been in retrograde motion in your work sector since early February and will remain in retrograde motion until later next month, so nothing has changed as far as he’s concerned. It’s still all about putting your head down and your tail up, putting in the hard work behind the scenes that you need to but more that the conditions have changed. Saturn is no longer under pressure, so the work pressure should have eased right back, but it’s support and confidence on the income front that has changed all the filters.

Gemini

There is a chance to pull back this week. It was just last week that the last in a series of Mars oppositions, that has put direct pressure on your career sector, finally ran its course. Where this created professional pressure and work/life balance pressures specifically, you’ve had a chance to learn a lot and take heed of any wake up calls. But with the pressure gone and both Neptune and Chiron, the planets staying on to keep your professional game on a roll slowing down, ahead of their retrograde turn early next month, there is no longer any urgency. Instead there is a chance to pull back this week and work with the cards already on the table. This is now all about the big picture and it’s that big picture that you have a chance to refer back to now, with a chance to get your bearings.

Cancer

Pay attention to any work pressure early in the week, finding a balance between avoiding sweating the small stuff and not sticking your head in the sand. It’s on Monday, 2 weeks to the day before a lunar eclipse in your work sector is likely to see fate reveal the final wildcard up its sleeve, that the Moon and Sun will align to push some buttons. This comes at the start of the month long wind down to your current solar year, when there is a need to start conserving energy and to pace yourself. This may present as a case of Mondayitis, in which case you need to humour yourself and not push through this, telling yourself to buck up. There is a serious need to slow down and to look at where any expectations are coming from. A slower approach may see you accomplish more in the long run.

Leo

Moving into the new week with the Sun, Mercury, Moon and Jupiter in your career sector would suggest that this is going to be a professionally charged week and while it will remain an important professional week, things ease back dramatically while becoming more urgent at the same time. With the Sun and Moon leaving your career sector on Monday, Mercury on Thursday and none meeting up with lucky Jupiter again here for another 12 years, all your cards are now on the table. It’s the insight, professional instincts and intellectual savvy that the Sun, Moon and Mercury leave you with that allow you to move into what is the end game ready to play your A game. With Jupiter leaving on the 12th June it’s time to bring things home.

Virgo

Venus’ retrograde turn in your career sector last week and her first full week in retrograde motion suggests this should be a fairly quiet professional week, with the focus on the past and on working behind the scenes. While this will play a part in this week’s dynamics this is anything but a behind the scenes week, with your professional game being thrust into the limelight in the early hours of the week. It’s on Monday that the Sun and Moon not only return to your career sector within hours of each other, but align to form a solar eclipse on Monday. This opens the door to new beginnings and opportunities, just as Venus is opening the door to the past and second chances. Mercury’s return to your career sector gives you the intellectual savvy to manage a changing professional landscape.

Libra

You have a chance to rest on your laurels this week. It was only last Thursday that work pressure began to ease off, yet unlike the false starts of the past, this time you really have crossed your final hurdle. Pay attention as your professional instincts kick in, from Thursday or Friday onwards, for what you’ll be picking up on is the Moon’s return to your career sector, for what is his last visit before new doors open in less than 2 weeks time. Once new doors open on the career front, from the 7th June onwards, they’ll remain open for the next 3 months, bringing you to the most important professional months of the year, especially when it comes to looking at where to from here. This makes it important to step back this week, catching your breath before the next wave.

Scorpio

Things have eased back considerably on the work front, to a point where you’re now able to focus more on pacing yourself, keeping what has been put in motion in play. Mercury only left your work sector on the 9th May, so this is still early days and with Uranus staying on to keep things on track, it’s less about the push to bring things up to speed and more about being in the driver’s seat, keeping things on the road. It’s the Moon’s return to your career sector on Saturday, a month to the day before new doors are due to open, that gives you a chance to both sharpen your professional instincts and look ahead. This gives you your first real glimpse of what will be the defining months of your professional year, with a chance to start looking ahead to new mountains and goals to conquer.

Sagittarius

Despite a professionally driven start to the week, expect things to ease back. It was only last week that Mars faced his final hurdle and not due to leave your career sector until the 4th July, his professional passions move into the overdrive this week, ready to make up for lost time. At the same time you begin the week with the Sun, Mercury, Moon and Jupiter in your work sector, completing one of the most formidable line ups you’ve gone into a new working week with all year. Yet while you still have several more weeks to bring things up to speed on the career front, on the work front this is the end game. The Sun and Moon leave your work sector on Monday and Mercury on Thursday and with Jupiter leaving 3 weeks later it’s time to wrap things up and tie up loose ends.

Capricorn

After Venus’ retrograde turn in your work sector last week her first full week in retrograde motion should see things pull right back especially as Saturn, the only other planet in either of your professional houses, is also in retrograde motion in your career sector. While this does open the door to second chances on the work and career fronts, especially as Venus and Saturn are working together, this is destined to be anything but a quiet and behind the scenes week. It all changes dramatically when within hours of each other first the Sun and then the Moon not only return to your work sector on Monday, but align to form a solar eclipse. This opens the door to new beginnings and a game changing month on the work front, while the doors to second chances are also open.

Aquarius

Apart from a Full Moon in your career sector earlier in the month you’ve had no help from the professional gods this year, with no planetary activity in either of your professional houses so far this year. That’s about to change with Mercury returning to your work sector on the 7th June, opening the door to an active 3 months on the work front that will overlap the start of a much bigger phase on the career front, that won’t ease off until 2015. In short, your time on the professional sidelines is about to end, with the Moon’s last visit to your work sector before things kick off giving you a chance to sharpen your instincts, get your bearings and pick up on some valuable clues. Keep your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground, especially between Thursday and Saturday.

Pisces

Look behind any work/life balance pressures, for it’s coming from buttons being pushed as planetary influence kicks in on the home front, inadvertently putting pressure on the very points on the career front that are due to come to a head during a lunar eclipse in just a few weeks time. At the same time this gives you a chance to address any work/life balance issues it also provides some valuable wake up calls, putting you on alert to developments that are likely to come to a head during the lunar eclipse in your career sector on the 4th June. It’s the Moon’s return to your work sector on Saturday, a month to the day before Mercury returns and opens the door to the first planetary activity here for the year that gives you a chance to tap into any clues, hunches and insights ahead of time.

Weekly Financial Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

Your Weekly Financial Horoscopes for May 21st

Aries

Even though you begin the week with the Sun, Moon, Mercury and Jupiter in your income sector, ensuring that you move into the new week with your eyes open and both a smart head and a nose for money, this extreme focus will quickly ease back. With the Moon and Sun leaving your income sector on Monday and Mercury on Thursday, none meeting up with lucky Jupiter again here for another 12 years, it’s important that you move into the week playing it like you mean it. Even Jupiter is leaving your income sector on the 12th June and after continuous planetary activity since April 2011, you’ll soon be on your own. With your fighting passions and drives kicking back in on the work front, it’s time to break your way through any glass ceilings.

Taurus

There is a dramatic turnaround on the income front this week, with the money gods out in full. This is Venus’ first full week in retrograde motion in your income sector and with the support of Saturn, in retrograde motion in your work sector the scene was set for a fairly quiet and behind the scenes week, where the focus was on second chances on the income and work fronts. That all changes on Monday when the Sun and Moon not only return to your income sector within a few hours of each other, but align to form a solar eclipse. This is the first of 2 New Moons, the second on the 20th May and it’s between these two New Moons that everything will change. Mercury’s return to your income sector on Thursday will give you the smart head for money needed to manage this turn of events.

Gemini

Pluto is the only planet active in either of your money houses and it’s been that way since last September. That’s when the last round of planetary activity in your income sector ran its course, with the focus since then on your financial situation as a whole. With Pluto now in retrograde motion, you have a chance to take care of any financial housekeeping and to look back and change anything that isn’t working. If this is becoming a little boring and you’re anxious to see some movement on the income front, then help is on its way. It’s from Thursday to Saturday that the Moon will make his last visit to your income sector before Mercury returns early next month, opening the door to the most lucrative months of the year. Hold onto the nose for money or any clues this leaves you with.

Cancer

While you will have to wait until the weekend to get any support from the money gods this week, you don’t actually need it. With no planetary activity in either of your money houses since activity in your financial sector wound up in February, all your cards are on the table. While this leaves you qualified to manage your own financial affairs and to have confidence in the decisions you’re making and the way you play things, things may be running on empty on the income front. This makes the Moon’s return to your income sector on Saturday so important. Arriving a month to the day before new doors are due to open on the income front, the Moon will be doing a lot more than simply giving you a nose for money, with some valuable information and insight into which doors to start lining up at.

Leo

You can breathe a sigh of relief, with the last of the financial hurdles you’ll need to cross finally behind you. It was last week that Mars, now becoming more impatient to get things moving on the income front, faced his last roadblock, with oppositions between forces in your financial sector finally behind you. At the same time that this brought everything to a head on the financial front, so that you know what you’re dealing with and can now do so behind the scenes, this set you free to really make things happen on the income front. With a new sense of urgency developing on the work front, to get things up to speed, the same sense of urgency and hunger is developing on the income front. It’s time to take serious aim at any glass ceilings, ready to come out of your corner fighting.

Virgo

You’ve known or sensed for a few weeks now that the financial challenges of recent months are behind you, but where you may have settled for things returning to the status quo, it seems that the money gods are bending backwards to compensate. This was always going to be a confident week on the income front, with Venus’ first full week in retrograde motion in your career sector lending forces on the income front, where the door has been open to second chances for some time, her full support. But it’s the new doors opening on the career front this week that bolsters your professional confidence and because of the link already established, should boost your income confidence as well. All of a sudden you have options, with a turnaround now underway.

Libra

While you begin the week with a lot of focus on your financial situation with the Sun, Moon, Mercury and Jupiter all in your financial sector as you move into the new week, this will drop off dramatically. Yet as it does a new sense of urgency will set in, with a growing sense that it’s time to tie up loose ends and bring things home. When the Sun and Moon leave your financial sector on Monday they’ll leave you with your financial instincts sharp and some real financial objectivity, with Mercury’s departure on Thursday leaving you with a smart head for money. For all 3 this is their last contact with lucky Jupiter here for another 12 years and as he’s leaving on the 12th June, you’re now in the end game. It’s time to bring things home and to bring all the different strands together.

Scorpio

The shift in financial focus at the start of the week is so sudden and so abrupt and because there is an element of financial pressure thrown in, this might throw you off guard. Yet however it’s experienced this is a good thing, a very good thing. This is Venus’ first full week in retrograde motion in your financial sector, so this should have been a fairly low key money week, giving you a chance to work behind the scenes and revisit old financial desires. Yet that all changes on Monday when within hours of each other the Sun and Moon not only return to your financial sector, but align to form a solar eclipse, opening the door to new beginnings. Mercury’s return to your financial sector on Thursday will give you the smart head for money needed to manage these changing financial times.

Sagittarius

Pluto, in retrograde motion in your income sector is enjoying a free ride, with support from professional forces but no challenges. That won’t always be the case, with the Moon’s return to your financial sector on Thursday and opposition with Pluto providing some timely wake up calls. This is the Moon’s last visit to your financial sector before Mercury returns early next month and the first planetary activity for the year kicks in. This puts you just a few weeks away from the most active money months of the year, but the focus will be split between your financial and income situations. Listen to the financial instincts and insights the Moon leaves you with, without sticking your head in the sand or sweating the small stuff, while realising that your main focus is still on income matters.

Capricorn

With no planetary activity in either of your money houses the Moon’s monthly visit to your financial sector is always important, with a chance to sharpen your financial instincts and get your bearings. But there is something a little more significant to the Moon’s return to your financial sector on Saturday, returning a month to the day before the first planetary activity for the year kicks off. You’ve had a lot of planetary influence on the income front this year, so much so that you should know what you’re aiming and striving for and how to make it happen, making it more a case of keeping things on track. On the financial front and with money matters in general you haven’t even begun to bring things up to speed, with a chance over the weekend to gain some valuable clues and insights.

Aquarius

Chances are there is a sense of belief and also doubt in the air this week, for while last week’s opposition between forces on the income and financial fronts is over, this has happened in the past, only to return. This time some fairly challenging money months are behind you and last week’s setbacks and pressure really was the last hurdle you needed to get through. Life will always have its ups and downs, but in terms of the challenges you’ve been facing over recent months, this chapter is behind you. This comes just as your fighting spirit is starting to bounce back and with Mars, the warrior planet of the cosmos not due to leave your financial sector until the 4th July, this leaves you plenty of time to turn things around. It’s time to come out of your corner fighting.

Pisces

The tide has turned on the financial front and whether your actual financial situation has changed yet or not there is a new sense of empowerment. Even past financial challenges are more likely to be empowering you, as a new sense of financial confidence returns. What is helping this is that it’s retrospective, in that you’re starting to see the past in a different light. Instead of casting yourself in the role of the victim, you’re able to look back at past financial challenges or back to the roots of a current financial situation, in a way that makes it hard to play the ‘woulda, shoulda, coulda’ game. There is a real sense now that, that was then and this is now. When you take ownership of the past you’re able to tap into the experience and the wealth of hindsight this opens the door to.

Your Daily Love Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

Your Daily Love Horoscopes for May 21st

Aries

Ever since Venus, planet of love returned to your communication sector early last month, communication has become even more important, especially on the relationship front. With Venus already opening the door to second chances and an opportunity to give the past and unsaid words a voice, today creates an opportunity for new beginnings as well.

Taurus

As your birthday month comes to an end you’re able to create a real line in the sand, distancing yourself from the romantic setbacks and challenges of recent weeks and months, ready to move on. Any roadblocks are behind you and the most romantically charged and important relationship months of the year lay in front of you.

Gemini

If how a new solar year begins is any indication of how it will continue, then this is destined to be a big year on both the personal and romantic fronts. Your new solar year kicks off today with a solar eclipse, opening some major new doors and providing a real tailwind, at a time when the door is open to second chances on the romantic front.

Cancer

Just when you thought the focus on the past couldn’t be more extreme with Venus, planet of love in retrograde motion in an already nostalgic part of your chart and Pluto in retrograde motion in your relationship sector, it does just that today. As you begin the process of wrapping up your solar year, the solar spotlight shifts to the road behind.

Leo

This is a day for coming out in defence of your heart and your romantic confidence, which could get a bit of a bruising during today’s solar eclipse. But with a lunar eclipse in your romantic sector in just 14 days time this is more a wakeup call, with a chance to look at what’s still pushing your buttons and why.

Virgo

There is a real sense of relief in the air, as whatever relationship hurdles you needed to cross are now behind you. In fact, things are settling down so much on the relationship front and such a steady sense of momentum is now possible, that you run the risk of letting a growing professional focus swamp things.

Libra

There is a new sense of freedom and liberation being felt on both the romantic and relationship fronts, that is giving you permission to let both your love life and your relationships take their natural and intended course. This is not only influencing your journey forward but the way that you’re looking back on the past.

Scorpio

Both the Moon and Sun leave your relationship sector today, bringing to an end a defining month on the relationship front, but in a way that leaves you with a sense that there is still more to be done. At the same time that the Sun leaves you with some reality checks the Moon leaves you with an intuitive sense of what’s a priority and what isn’t.

Sagittarius

There is a very dramatic turn of events on the relationship front today, with the Sun and Moon not only returning to your relationship sector within hours of each other, but aligning to form a solar eclipse. With zero build up this might take you by surprise, suddenly opening new doors just as you’re adjusting the old doors that are now open.

Capricorn

Within hours of each other first the Sun and then the Moon leave your romantic sector today and in both cases it will be another 12 years before either meet up with lucky Jupiter here again. This makes it important to hold onto the realistic and intuitive read they give you of your heart and romantic needs and situation, taking the messages on board and to heart.

Aquarius

Today is one of the most important days of your romantic year, more because of the huge turning point created by not only the Sun and the Moon’s return to your romantic sector, but the solar eclipse this creates. Having a solar eclipse on Day 1 of what was always going to be game changing months, creates a chance to draw a real line in the sand.

Pisces

There is no doubt that you’ve turned a corner on the relationship front, but also that the journey isn’t complete. With the objectives, challenges and roadblocks behind you you’re in the rebuilding phase and the glue and nails that will help you build better and stronger relationships moving forward are words and good intentions.

Your Love & Romance Horoscopes for the Week of May 21st

Your Love & Romance Horoscopes for the Week of May 21st

Aries

As Venus, planet of love spends her first full week in retrograde motion in your communication sector she does so with the full support of Saturn, in retrograde motion in your relationship sector. These two planets will continue to work together until they both turn direct, within just 3 days of each other, later next month. Until then the doors are open to second chances on the communication and relationship fronts and especially where the two come together. Yet it’s the Sun and Moon’s return to your communication sector and the solar eclipse this creates on Monday, that also opens the door to new opportunities on the communication front. This will also support your relationships, with a sense that a corner has been turned with communication now everything.

Taurus

Mars, planet of passion’s opposition with Chiron, planet of healing last week was the last of several challenges over recent weeks and months, but with the final hurdle now behind you there is a new sense of confidence kicking in. Mars won’t leave your romantic sector until early July and with no more roadblocks, he’s about to take things into high gear, with the romantic passions that held you back in the past now let loose. The only thing that can hold you down now or stop you from fully experiencing the romantic breakthroughs now possible, is to be held back by the past. You can’t change the past but you can change how you look back on and label the past. Do so in a way that sets you free to embrace the romantic passions that are begging to be embraced.

Gemini

As Venus spends her first full week in retrograde motion in your sign it’s with the full support of Saturn, in retrograde motion in your romantic sector. This is Saturn’s last retrograde phase in your romantic sector for another 30 years and Venus will stay in retrograde motion until it’s over, ensuring that a trip down memory lane that may have been challenging is now a lot more enjoyable. Saturn is more focused on learning from and confronting the past while Venus is on the lookout for second chances as she takes a trip down love’s memory lane. Venus will stop this from becoming too serious and Saturn from becoming overly sentimental. Don’t be put off by any relationship pressure, for its providing some wake up calls ahead of a lunar eclipse on the 4th June.

Cancer

A sense of romantic and relationship nostalgia was already evident with Venus in a nostalgic part of your chart and Pluto in retrograde motion in your relationship sector however this deepens further this week. It was Venus’ retrograde turn last week and her first full week in retrograde motion that puts the only two planets influencing things on the personal front in retrograde motion, with the focus on the past. This also means that Venus has had to postpone her return to your sign, now not returning until August, giving you a chance instead to take some trips down love’s memory lane and exorcise some old ghosts. You can’t change the past, but with some huge romantic developments in the second half of the year, this gives you a chance to revisit the past in a way that sets you free.

Leo

Chances are you’ll move into the new week with a sense that the love gods are anything but on your side, with some real pressure. This is coming from the fact that both the Sun and Moon, during their alignment that forms a solar eclipse in a social and serendipitous part of your chart on Monday, will both put direct pressure on the North Node, over in your romantic sector. This comes 2 weeks to the day before a lunar eclipse in your romantic and creative sector on the 4th June, which is destined to be bringing anything building to a head or to a turning or tipping point, as well as bringing you to a romantic crossroads. Any pressure at the start of the week will be temporary, but it’s going to provide a valuable wakeup call when you can least afford to fall asleep at the wheel.

Virgo

After last week’s opposition between Mars, planet of passion in your sign and Chiron, planet of healing in your relationship sector, there is likely to be a tentative sense of reprieve in the air as you move into the new week. While any relationship pressure is likely to have scaled right back, chances are you still have your guard up, for after all this has waned in the past only to return. This time around the reprieve is as permanent as anything can be, in that if your relationships are never tested they’ll eventually stagnate. But in terms of the pressures faced over recent weeks and months this is over, with a chance now to move on. While the healing process will continue, with the roadblocks behind you there is a return of hope and optimism.

Libra

There is a growing sense of confidence on the relationship and romantic fronts and for different reasons. On the relationship front the main thrust to get your relationships up to speed is behind you and after the Moon visited your relationship sector last month, you’ve had a chance to tweak things. Now it’s more about keeping things on track, with a need to continuously reinvent the wheel. With your relationships no longer a major focus, but enough going on for you to keep things in motion, there is a lot more focus and attention on Venus, planet of love. With Venus spending her first full week in an adventurous part of your chart, she’s taking you on a guided tour down love’s memory lane, revealing what you might be missing out on while opening the door to second chances.

Scorpio

After forces on the romantic front faced their final challenge last week, things have eased back and as this is an ongoing journey the urgency shifts to your relationships this week. While you begin the week with the Sun, Moon, Mercury and Jupiter in your relationship sector, making this the most active area of your chart and therefore the most dominant aspect, you will end the week with Jupiter not only on his own, but getting ready to leave in just a few weeks time. The real shift comes on Monday when, within hours of each other, first the Sun and then the Moon leave your relationship sector, neither meeting up with lucky Jupiter again here for another 12 years. With Mercury leaving your relationship sector on Thursday there’s an urgent need to ensure the communication lines are open.

Sagittarius

Expect a dramatic turnaround on the relationship front, in what is destined to be a defining and game changing week on the relationship front. This is Venus, planet of love’s first full week in retrograde motion in your relationship sector and as the only planet here, this should make this a very nostalgic week, with the door open to second chances. That is still the case, but this is complimented by the fact that the Sun and Moon not only both return to your relationship sector on Monday but align to form a solar eclipse, which is a supercharged New Moon. Between this New Moon and a second next month everything will change. This opens the door to new beginnings while the door to the past is open, with Mercury’s return on Thursday opening the communication lines.

Capricorn

There is a new sense of urgency on the romantic front this week with the Sun and Moon leaving your romantic sector on Monday, Mercury on Thursday and none meeting up with lucky Jupiter again here for another 12 years. Even Jupiter, in your romantic sector since June 2011, is getting ready to leave on the 12th June, with a real sense that it’s time to wrap things up. As the Sun, Moon and Mercury leave they’ll each leave you with the insight needed to make the coming weeks count, especially when it comes to putting your romantic expectations on the path you want them to continue on. The Moon’s return to your relationship sector on Friday provides some valuable wake up calls, in his last visit before things start to move on the relationship front, in just a few weeks time.

Aquarius

The love gods are out in force this week, making this a one of the most romantically charged weeks of the year to date and the start of what is destined to be a game changing month. As you move into the new week Venus is spending her first full week in retrograde motion in your romantic sector, holding the door open to second chances. Yet it’s on Monday that within hours of each other, that the Sun and Moon not only return to your romantic sector but align to form a solar eclipse. This is a super charged New Moon with the element of fate woven in, opening the door to new beginnings and opportunities. With Mercury returning to your romantic sector on Thursday and Jupiter in just a few weeks time, the doors to both new opportunities and second chances are wide open.

Pisces

What a difference a week makes. Last week you were facing yet more relationship challenges yet this was also the final hurdle and with no more to cross and all your cards on the table, you should have a clear sense of what you’re fighting for and against. It’s Mars, the warrior planet of the cosmos that now has a clear run, with no more obstacles in his path before leaving your relationship sector on the 4th July. It was a coming together of forces on the communication front over the weekend that helped to not only turn things around, but to get this rebuilding phase up to speed. Pay attention to romantic vibes that are going to come into play just in time for the weekend, as the Moon makes his last visit to your romantic sector before new doors open from early next month.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

Daily Horoscopes for Friday, May 18

We may actually have time to take a few deep breaths and relax today as the Moon enters bucolic Taurus at 6:03 am EDT. Although we might want to accomplish a lot now, it’s difficult to shift into gear with six planets in solid Earth signs. The lack of momentum means an early start to a lazy weekend as indicated by the Moon’s harmonious trines to Mars and Pluto. However, the pace picks up noticeably by Sunday evening’s New Moon Solar Eclipse.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are building your case to justify something you intend to do, but this rationalization may be more about convincing yourself than anyone else. Think about what you’re taking for granted before reconsidering your assumptions. You might need to change your mind, even if you are certain that you’re right. It’s crucial to establish an enduring foundation for your beliefs before you are too far along in your plans.

 
Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are under steady pressure to change, but you will grow stronger by resisting on specific points. You may believe that others are judging you unfairly, yet you seem to take it all in stride. However, you could grow weary from the stress because you must pay attention to every single move you make. Try not to get too frustrated if your progress is stymied. It’s better to take small steps than none at all.

 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The intensity of your daily routine continues to settle now, but even if you act as if you’re doing great, things may not be as pleasant as you prefer. You may feel restless because you want more variety and excitement in your life. If your need for mental stimulation isn’t being met, then something must change. Bide your time for a few more days; the energy will shift in a positive direction next week.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You have been running hot and cold lately, challenging you to find a happy medium between the extremes. Even if you attempt to smooth things out today, it still may feel like you’re bouncing back and forth between optimism and pessimism. Thankfully, the pragmatic Taurus Moon gives you the common sense to move beyond your clever words. Remember, if you don’t push so hard now, you won’t have to retreat as far.

 
Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It may be easier for you to reach your goals today if you are more realistic about them. Fortunately, your concentration seems to take you further than usual now, enabling you to make a lot of progress. Ultimately, you don’t need to pull any rabbits out of magical hats; you have a good chance of touching the stars if you just keep your feet on the ground.

 
Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may discover an opportunity to embark on a special trip, an extended holiday or just a weekend getaway now with four planets in your 9th House of Travel. Don’t let this opportunity pass. Daydream about your vacation today; don’t even try to hide your vision. Just bring an unconventional scheme out into the open, and the rewards might follow quicker than you expect.

 
Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be pulled into someone’s drama now before you even realize what happened. Although you probably have plenty of complications in your life, there may be a few more yet to handle. Even if there’s a storm brewing around you, the good news is that you’re feeling more centered. Don’t be tricked into thinking that you will lose a chance at success unless you act decisively right away. The truth is that even the smallest steps can lead to major improvements.

 
Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are like a participant in a relay race now, trying to maintain a steady pace. You are finished with one cycle yet the next one hasn’t yet started. If you aren’t willing to let go of the baton, you will be stuck doing the same old thing. Fortunately, your teammates are more stable than you think and handing off responsibilities to them is a smart strategy.

 
Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

 
Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Friday, May 18

We may actually have time to take a few deep breaths and relax today as the Moon enters bucolic Taurus at 6:03 am EDT. Although we might want to accomplish a lot now, it’s difficult to shift into gear with six planets in solid Earth signs. The lack of momentum means an early start to a lazy weekend as indicated by the Moon’s harmonious trines to Mars and Pluto. However, the pace picks up noticeably by Sunday evening’s New Moon Solar Eclipse.

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are building your case to justify something you intend to do, but this rationalization may be more about convincing yourself than anyone else. Think about what you’re taking for granted before reconsidering your assumptions. You might need to change your mind, even if you are certain that you’re right. It’s crucial to establish an enduring foundation for your beliefs before you are too far along in your plans.

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)
You are under steady pressure to change, but you will grow stronger by resisting on specific points. You may believe that others are judging you unfairly, yet you seem to take it all in stride. However, you could grow weary from the stress because you must pay attention to every single move you make. Try not to get too frustrated if your progress is stymied. It’s better to take small steps than none at all.
 
 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The intensity of your daily routine continues to settle now, but even if you act as if you’re doing great, things may not be as pleasant as you prefer. You may feel restless because you want more variety and excitement in your life. If your need for mental stimulation isn’t being met, then something must change. Bide your time for a few more days; the energy will shift in a positive direction next week.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You have been running hot and cold lately, challenging you to find a happy medium between the extremes. Even if you attempt to smooth things out today, it still may feel like you’re bouncing back and forth between optimism and pessimism. Thankfully, the pragmatic Taurus Moon gives you the common sense to move beyond your clever words. Remember, if you don’t push so hard now, you won’t have to retreat as far.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It may be easier for you to reach your goals today if you are more realistic about them. Fortunately, your concentration seems to take you further than usual now, enabling you to make a lot of progress. Ultimately, you don’t need to pull any rabbits out of magical hats; you have a good chance of touching the stars if you just keep your feet on the ground.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may discover an opportunity to embark on a special trip, an extended holiday or just a weekend getaway now with four planets in your 9th House of Travel. Don’t let this opportunity pass. Daydream about your vacation today; don’t even try to hide your vision. Just bring an unconventional scheme out into the open, and the rewards might follow quicker than you expect.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be pulled into someone’s drama now before you even realize what happened. Although you probably have plenty of complications in your life, there may be a few more yet to handle. Even if there’s a storm brewing around you, the good news is that you’re feeling more centered. Don’t be tricked into thinking that you will lose a chance at success unless you act decisively right away. The truth is that even the smallest steps can lead to major improvements.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are like a participant in a relay race now, trying to maintain a steady pace. You are finished with one cycle yet the next one hasn’t yet started. If you aren’t willing to let go of the baton, you will be stuck doing the same old thing. Fortunately, your teammates are more stable than you think and handing off responsibilities to them is a smart strategy.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Friday, May 18

We may actually have time to take a few deep breaths and relax today as the Moon enters bucolic Taurus at 6:03 am EDT. Although we might want to accomplish a lot now, it’s difficult to shift into gear with six planets in solid Earth signs. The lack of momentum means an early start to a lazy weekend as indicated by the Moon’s harmonious trines to Mars and Pluto. However, the pace picks up noticeably by Sunday evening’s New Moon Solar Eclipse.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are building your case to justify something you intend to do, but this rationalization may be more about convincing yourself than anyone else. Think about what you’re taking for granted before reconsidering your assumptions. You might need to change your mind, even if you are certain that you’re right. It’s crucial to establish an enduring foundation for your beliefs before you are too far along in your plans.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are under steady pressure to change, but you will grow stronger by resisting on specific points. You may believe that others are judging you unfairly, yet you seem to take it all in stride. However, you could grow weary from the stress because you must pay attention to every single move you make. Try not to get too frustrated if your progress is stymied. It’s better to take small steps than none at all.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The intensity of your daily routine continues to settle now, but even if you act as if you’re doing great, things may not be as pleasant as you prefer. You may feel restless because you want more variety and excitement in your life. If your need for mental stimulation isn’t being met, then something must change. Bide your time for a few more days; the energy will shift in a positive direction next week.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You have been running hot and cold lately, challenging you to find a happy medium between the extremes. Even if you attempt to smooth things out today, it still may feel like you’re bouncing back and forth between optimism and pessimism. Thankfully, the pragmatic Taurus Moon gives you the common sense to move beyond your clever words. Remember, if you don’t push so hard now, you won’t have to retreat as far.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It may be easier for you to reach your goals today if you are more realistic about them. Fortunately, your concentration seems to take you further than usual now, enabling you to make a lot of progress. Ultimately, you don’t need to pull any rabbits out of magical hats; you have a good chance of touching the stars if you just keep your feet on the ground.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may discover an opportunity to embark on a special trip, an extended holiday or just a weekend getaway now with four planets in your 9th House of Travel. Don’t let this opportunity pass. Daydream about your vacation today; don’t even try to hide your vision. Just bring an unconventional scheme out into the open, and the rewards might follow quicker than you expect.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be pulled into someone’s drama now before you even realize what happened. Although you probably have plenty of complications in your life, there may be a few more yet to handle. Even if there’s a storm brewing around you, the good news is that you’re feeling more centered. Don’t be tricked into thinking that you will lose a chance at success unless you act decisively right away. The truth is that even the smallest steps can lead to major improvements.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are like a participant in a relay race now, trying to maintain a steady pace. You are finished with one cycle yet the next one hasn’t yet started. If you aren’t willing to let go of the baton, you will be stuck doing the same old thing. Fortunately, your teammates are more stable than you think and handing off responsibilities to them is a smart strategy.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Your Lunar Love Horoscopes for the Weekend of May 18 – 20

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Comfort … and Confusion

May 18 – 20

This might turn out to be a lost weekend capped off by the disorientating wake-up call of a Gemini Solar Eclipse on Sunday evening. It starts out reasonably enough with the Moon’s presence in earthy Taurus on Friday. Partaking in physical comforts like delicious food and drink, gentle massage and sensual movement can produce a welcoming atmosphere for drama-free romance.

This indulgent pattern continues on Saturday with the lunar transit through Taurus giving you the chance to slow down and enjoy life’s many pleasures. Nature is especially alluring as beautiful sights and sweet smells arouse primal desires. Keep things simple with a leisurely schedule to create the trust and tranquility that encourage romance. Cooking a tasty meal with someone is a delightful way to tap into the easygoing joy of the laid-back Taurus Moon.

Yet even the most delectable experiences can seem to fade quickly with Sunday’s Solar Eclipse. The Sun enters jittery Gemini in the morning, followed by the Moon in the early evening. These two great lights in the sky then hook up in this easily distracted sign, producing the flighty Gemini New Moon and, in this case, also a Solar Eclipse. This is both a beginning and an end when you can find yourself standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff that makes it hard to return to the past, yet you may not be ready to make a serious decision about the future. Let the dust settle before you choose your next step.

Your Daily Love & Romance Horoscopes for May 18

Aries

The fact that the Moon, moving through your sign, is putting direct pressure on Saturn and your relationships, creating some relationship pressure and pushing some buttons, might actually work to your advantage. For with the doors now open to second chances, this creates the right push at the right time.

Taurus

While you’re not out of the woods yet, pressure on Mars and your romantic situation has now peaked and from this point on will begin to ease. As this was the final hurdle you had to face and there was never any avoiding this, nurture a growing sense of confidence that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t an illusion.

Gemini

On the romantic front the focus is now exclusively on the past, with the door remaining open to second chances until later next month. Venus, planet of love will remain in retrograde motion in your sign for the next 72 days, giving you time to take a leisurely stroll down love’s memory lane and to explore the past at your own pace.

Cancer

There is always more than one version of reality and that’s especially so when it comes to your perception of the past. As you work to tie up loose ends on any work/life balance issues, look to the past for guidance, taking responsibility for acknowledging what your relationships and love life need from you.

Leo

While you have no planetary activity in your relationship sector, the planet that will kick things off for the year when he returns next month is Mercury, planet of communication. While you can’t make that happen any sooner you can get a jump on things by working now to ensure that the communication lines are open.

Virgo

There is likely to be a sense of relief in the air today, for while there may still be some relationship pressure or tension the worst is behind you. It was yesterday that pressure between Mars in your sign and Chiron in your relationship sector peaked, with a chance now to focus on the healing and the opportunity for a breakthrough this has created.

Libra

Don’t be surprised or alarmed if there is some relationship intensity or even pressure today, as the Moon works to push as many buttons before leaving. The more you can get things out in the open the better, with the Moon evoking emotional responses aimed at getting your attention and alerting you to where you need to pay attention.

Scorpio

Urgency and even intensity on the romantic front begins easing back from today, as you realise that there is no urgency and that you really can’t hurry love. On the relationship front things are very different with a new sense of urgency setting in, especially when it comes to taking responsibility, realising that you can’t get back what you don’t put in.

Sagittarius

In his final hours in your romantic sector the Moon is working to give you an intuitive read on your heart, that you’re able to hold onto after he’s gone. This is the Moon’s first visit to your romantic sector since the main planetary thrust for the year ended, leaving you with an intuitive sense of where to from here.

Capricorn

You’re in a transition period, between a romantically charged period that is about to run its course and a more professionally charged period that will eventually take over. Already these are starting to overlap, with a need to be really vigilant when it comes to finding the right work/life balance and the right balance between work and play.

Aquarius

In just 3 days time both the Sun and Moon will return to your romantic sector, aligning to form a solar eclipse that will open the door to some major new beginnings. Until then make the most of the fact that Venus, the only planet currently in your romantic sector, is in retrograde motion, with the door to the past and second chances now wide open.

Pisces

While there is still likely to be some relationship pressure and intensity, it has already peaked and you should be feeling it ease back, enough anyway to see what lies behind it. This was the last hurdle you needed to cross, with a chance today to get inside anything that’s pushing your buttons and use this as a chance for both healing and a breakthrough.

Daily Chinese Zodiac Horoscopes for Friday, May 18th

Rabbit

You may be making sudden and impulsive changes to your finances. Be careful before you invest in real estate or home improvements though, because Saturn is working overtime in your “home and family” sector. That brings unexpected breakdowns, governmental restrictions, zoning hassles and strange encounters with cranky neighbors.

Dragon

Your attitude towards a specific relationship or partnerships in general will be changing today as a result of an intuition, dream or impression. Listen to your feelings carefully. You may be thinking of making a relationship more formal.

Snake

If you want to make the chores go more smoothly today turn on the radio or CD player, grab a mop and bucket and dance your home clean. You can have a good time getting ordinary daily chores cleared up if you put yourself in the right mindset.

Horse

You have a high degree of physical energy today, which could prove delightful to your significant other in more ways than one. You are energetic and active, and interested in trying new things. You have something of an impulsive streak in you right now.

Sheep

Friends, companions, and siblings will bring great joy. Someone you know could be adding to their family. Someone else may be given an award for their creative skills and talents. Celebrate in moderation, because someone near you is on the sobriety trail.

Monkey

You are going to be on the telephone a lot today. Your loved ones and relatives may have shocking news, but the changes that are coming you and your family will welcome with great excitement. You will be passionate, creative and highly verbal today.

Rooster

You can make more money if you are willing to take a stand on your own merits right now. If you are already successful, this means using your name or likeness to promote yourself. If not, it means being willing to believe that you deserve to succeed for who you are.

Dog

You are feeling extremely talkative and chatty today, and it is a good thing you have a friend or companion who feels the same, otherwise the two of you would talk some poor soul’s ears off. There is good news traveling on the gossip lines right now.

Pig

Expect positive experiences with your religious or spiritual growth. You have witnessed a profound healing and are eager to experience this for yourself. Keep an open mind and heart, but don’t expect the same results as others have, you have your own path to walk.

Rat

A friendship is developing in new and important ways. You may share a moment of insight, or take time together to explore shared spiritual interests. Meditating or praying together could bring you closer and open up new ways for you to understand one another.

Ox

You’ll be thinking about the future. Which road do you want to take, and do you hope to enjoy the journey? You won’t get anywhere sitting on your behind, that’s for sure. If you want to make a dream come true, this is the time for action, not dreaming.

Tiger

Your ninth house of education, travel, and publicity is heating up again, and this time there are equal measures of joy and frustration. Expect Divine chaos. You may have to make a detour that takes you past a big sale. Or your flight is rebooked, and you get a better seat.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 17th

It feels like a brand new world with the Moon in pioneering Aries today, yet her opposition to restrictive Saturn can hold us back until we have a better idea of where we’re going. And although we are building momentum now that energetic Mars is speeding up, we may nostalgically look back at what we had with Venus a couple days into her retrograde cycle. Nevertheless, we are still heading toward big changes that grow more inevitable every day.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are being offered a new deal when the Moon visits your excitable sign, emphasizing the extraordinary potential that unexpected opportunities bring. You can’t rely on old assumptions anymore since the rules are changing as you play the game. Don’t be cocky and think that everything you imagine will unfold according to your plans. You have something important to learn from the obstacles you now face in spite of your good intentions.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You’re at another turning point in your life, but everything could seem more important now than it actually is. It still may take several months to gain clarity about your long-term goals, yet your current choices are instrumental in setting a new direction. Don’t be overly concerned if you can’t synthesize your desires into one single goal. Just allow your daydreams to flow without analysis; you will have plenty of time to make sense of it all later on.

 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You wish you could bounce around from one amazing distraction to another today, but you are afraid that others might perceive you as being flighty and unreliable. Unfortunately, your restlessness only increases if you attempt to restrain yourself by finishing every single thing you start. Luckily, you will have time to complete projects soon enough; just enjoy your high spirits now, even if you’re secretly worried that you’re just wasting your time and energy.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You might feel as if someone is pushing you to go faster than you prefer. Fortunately, you are enthusiastic about the prospects of where your work is leading, even if the potential instability also brings up old issues about your fear of change. Don’t let old memories get in the way of current opportunities. Thankfully, you won’t need to sacrifice too much security in order to keep up with how fast your life is unfolding.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Someone with authority may be granting you the freedom of choice now. You are being offered a fresh start, but you still have to take the initiative in order to follow your dreams. The path you choose may require time to manifest, but this is the chance to set your intentions. Take action today. Even if you don’t have all the details figured out, you can put the pieces together along the way.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may be increasingly aware that something is missing from your life. It’s tricky to describe what you’re feeling now, but you realize that it’s time to let go of your old assumptions about what you can do. You might feel as if you’re being swept up by a big wave. However, if you say no and try to resist, you could end up regretting that you missed an opportunity of a lifetime.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Too much drama isn’t your idea of a good time, but someone could rock your world today by bringing surprising news, a significant opportunity or an innovative idea. However, it’s not wise to jump too quickly. Instead, exercising cautious optimism is a better strategy since anything that enters your life now looks better than it really is. Nevertheless, if you don’t turn your life inside out, you could take an important step on a major journey.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Making small improvements to your lifestyle by introducing new habits into your daily routine can have lasting positive impact. Fortunately, it’s easier than you expect to move past an old emotional pattern that prevents you from taking the next step on your path. However, there’s no latitude for halfway measures today. You know exactly what you must do now, so don’t delay any longer.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Although waves of nostalgia tempt you to hold on to the past, you have a narrow window of opportunity now to launch yourself into the future. Luckily, you aren’t one to turn down an invitation for a great adventure, so go ahead and set your sights on a far-off galaxy, strap on your seat belt and prepare for blast-off. Just don’t let your confidence grow into arrogance because you’re still likely to encounter a little turbulence along the way.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You need to reinvent your life now by remembering your personal history and retelling your story from a fresh perspective. Creating a new framework for the past enables you to envision radically different possibilities for the future. Nevertheless, your desire to break free from your present circumstances might stress you out because of the lack of security. Don’t worry if you need additional time to get everything in order before you make your move. It’s helpful to look back; just remember to also look ahead.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You can’t avoid the realization that your life is changing and the speed of events in your personal world seems to be accelerating. Even if you aren’t keeping up with everything, there’s no need for worry because the new routine looks like a lot of fun. However, if you experience self-doubt, remember that he who hesitates is lost. Ultimately, you can figure out a way to make it all work.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may express a sigh of relief today as the pressure for change temporarily eases. Just keep in mind that your current growth phase isn’t finished; you simply have a chance now to move a project along at your own speed by taking a good idea and developing it further. You might be tempted to immediately jump right in, but impulsive actions won’t create the lasting results you seek. It’s more important to build momentum strategically than to rush ahead without knowing where you are going.

Your Love & Romance Horoscopes for May 17th

Aries

On the same day that Venus, planet of love is spending her first full day in retrograde motion in your communication sector, support from Saturn in your relationship sector locks into place. With both Venus and Saturn in retrograde motion, this opens the door to second chances on both the relationship and communication fronts and especially where they come together.

Taurus

Mars, planet of passion is facing his final hurdle and the last obstacles he has to face before being able to fully flex his muscles and really get the romantic passions flowing. It’s an opposition with Chiron, planet of healing that might be pushing some buttons, but with this comes a chance to finally lay some old ghosts to rest.

Gemini

On her very first full day in retrograde motion in your sign Venus, planet of love reaches out to Saturn, already in retrograde motion in your romantic sector. Support between the two planets controlling things on the romantic front locks into place, allowing you to draw on past experiences as a trip down memory lane takes on an even more romantic feel.

Cancer

With Pluto, the only planet currently controlling things on the relationship front already in retrograde motion and Venus, the only planet controlling things on the romantic front spending her first full day in retrograde motion, it’s now all about the past. The door is not only open to second chances, but to revise or relabel past experiences.

Leo

The Moon’s monthly visit to an adventurous part of your chart is smiling kindly on forces in your romantic sector, reminding you that love is not only a journey, but it’s more about what’s learned along the way than getting to your destination. Embrace love with a spirit of adventure and get excited about your options.

Virgo

Where things stand on the relationship front, what kind of pressure you’re experiencing and your reactions to things is going to tell a lot about the state of your relationships and the hold the past still has on you. You’ll either feel this intensively, not at all or anything in between, giving you a chance to see where things really stand.

Libra

Uranus, planet of surprise and synchronicity is now the only planet active in your relationship sector and it will be that way until early 2013. With the Moon not only back in your relationship sector but aligned with Uranus, it’s those hunches and gut reactions that have the power to create the right moment or to put you in the right place at the right time.

Scorpio

Mercury, planet of communication is spending his first, last and only full week in your relationship sector and due to leave in a week from today there’s a new sense of urgency when it comes to making sure that the communication lines are open. You’re in some defining days on the relationship front, with a need to make every opportunity to connect count.

Sagittarius

Having the Moon in your romantic sector as Venus, planet of love spends her first full day in retrograde motion in your relationship sector is a huge advantage, giving you an intuitive read on just how much the tides have turned. It’s by listening to your heart and your intuition that you’ll begin this new journey on the right foot.

Capricorn

When Jupiter, planet of luck returned to your romantic sector in June 2011 he had just over a year to bring your love game up to speed, to convince you of what’s possible and to get you to invest in all that you can. That year comes to an end in just under 4 weeks time, with an urgent need to put in what you most want to get back.

Aquarius

As Venus, planet of love spends her first full day in retrograde motion in your romantic sector a sense of romantic nostalgia is likely to be strong and as she’s still at a standstill, a sense that time is standing still. You’re still halfway between the past and the future, with a need to give your heart a chance to adjust to this change in focus.

Pisces

Since turning direct in your relationship sector last month Mars, planet of passion has been building up speed and momentum, but he always knew there was one more hurdle to cross and one more period of relationship pressure to navigate. You’re crossing that hurdle right now and if there is some relationship pressure, embrace it because it has the power to create a real breakthrough.

Your Daily Chinese Horoscopes for May 17th

Rabbit

Music is the answer if you are looking for a gift to impress a prospective partner or your significant other. You can get things going with the right mood music. Look for something new or unusual, some music from another culture could be stimulating.

Dragon

Whether you are already employed or are looking for work, it is important that you make a good impression today. Get your best duds on, shine your shoes, put on your best face. There could be a hugely important opportunity in your workplace right now.

Snake

You should not commit to seasons tickets to musical, entertainment or sporting events today. You may find you are unable to use them. Chances and rescheduling of events of all kinds are likely to frustrate recreational and social plans right now. Be prepared for anything to happen.

Horse

You’ll sort out an interesting issue with a friend or loved one. The experience will make everyone feel much more happy and secure. Be sure that everyone understands the consequences. There will have to be adjustment and the changes may be stressful at first.

Sheep

Other folks will be strongly interested in what you have to say today. You may have learned something about alternative healthcare, music or a craft, and will be able to share or teach something you love or are passionate about with others around you.

Monkey

You will find that your recent spate of generosity has some unlikely benefits. You could meet someone important to your career or financial goals as a result of your mutual membership in a club or charity. Your organizational skills have caught someone’s eye.

Rooster

You are in the spotlight today, and everyone is interested in what you have to say. You are attractive, exciting and interesting. If you have musical or creative talent it is a good time to get in front of an audience and show your stuff.

Dog

Your subconscious mind has finally exorcised the bats that have been floating around your belfry the past few days. You are suddenly clear and lucid, and have some amazing insights about yourself. You could have profound experiences during dreams, prayer or meditation today.

Pig

You could have a moment of profound insight about a friend, or a conversation with a friend could trigger awareness about your own thought processes. You will realize that you have to change some of your habitual reactions, and that idea will bring a great deal of positive change.

Rat

It looks like you could be headed for a promotion or a significant boost in your career. There will definitely be additional responsibilities, and for many this will mean extra work, but the working conditions, title, or support you receive from management will be increased.

Ox

You may be considering taking a trip or vacation soon. You will find that there are educational opportunities as well. Look for big ways to expand your boundaries and personal horizons. You have a chance to completely change your life.

Tiger

This is a good time for trying out new financial or investment ideas, especially those that arise as opportunities in your workplace. You may hear of changes in your sector that leave you feeling more “bullish” on the future of your career.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.