the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!