the daily humorscope
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…