the daily humorscope
Monday, May 21, 2012
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…