Be An Expert On The New Age in Five Minutes

Your new girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife has just invited you to the spiritual development group  that she attends every week. You agree, but you feel a growing sense of panic  when you realise that you are totally ignorant of spiritual concepts. What  will these people be like? How will you keep up your SNAG act in front of  real Sensitive New Age Guys?

Fear not! All you need to know about the New Age is in the following  paragraphs. By remembering a few key phrases, you will be accepted into any  spiritual group as a fellow traveler along Truth’s highway.

Rule number one for the novice New Ager is to make sure that a crystal of  some sort is visible on you at all times. You will notice that all of the  women will be wearing a necklace of either amethyst or rose quartz, but for a  man, a large chunk of natural, clear quartz that is strapped to a cord around  your neck is far more suitable. If you feel uncomfortable wearing your crystal  in this way, then carrying it in your hand is also quite acceptable, as long  as you remember to look at it appreciatively every now and then, making sure  that others see it too of course.

When people notice your crystal they will invariably ask, “What is your  crystal programmed for?” In reply, avoid any macho response that suggests  that you are using it to attract more sex, money, or power, as this will blow  your cover immediately, instead, use the vague, but common phrase, “I have  programmed it to help me to enhance my spiritual growth.” This reply will  satisfy the enquirer without encouraging questions of a more specific nature.

To acquire a new name that reflects your spiritual goals is also quite common  among New Agers, therefore don’t be surprised if you are introduced to people  with strange names such as Shekinah, Silver Wolf, or Starlight. To find your  own spiritual name, you can use either of two methods. You could choose a  word at random from any New Age magazine, or you could ask your spirit guide  for a suggestion.

To have a spirit guide is as necessary for the New Ager as having a permanent  smile on your face. If you are asked who your spirit guide is, then it is  safest to opt for a Red Indian guide – everyone else does! Make sure that you  give your spirit guide an impressive name though. You won’t gain much respect  from your peers within the spiritual development circles if your guide  is called Joe, so give him a name such as Snow Buffalo, Tall Eagle, or  Smiling Rainbow Hearted Mountain Bear.

If you want to be a bit different, or if someone else has already chosen the  name that you made up for your guide, then go a step further and say that  instead of a spirit guide you have a guardian angel. For extra points, use  the name of one of the Archangels and the eyes of the people in the group  will light up with awe and admiration. Don’t go too far though, as an inferred  conversation with God or the late J.C. will mean that you will soon find  yourself standing alone, looking with feigned interest at the dozen or so  statues of unicorns and Red Indians that the host has proudly displayed on  the mantelpiece.

As you settle in for the evening’s lesson and psychic exercises (aerobics for  the soul), you will invariably be asked to participate in an experiment on  past life recall. Here is another ideal opportunity to impress your  girlfriend and the rest of the group. Once again though, use moderation in  your claims and don’t invent details of a life as Tutankhamen or Henry the  Eighth, as the group leader has probably already claimed both of these. And  if he hasn’t, then he’ll probably be upset that he has forgotten to include  them in his lineage of previous incarnations. It is much safer to opt for  “memories” of an existence as an advisor, astrologer, or valet to a monarch  or famous person, as historical records will not necessarily disprove the names  and events of this lifetime that you suddenly recall.

If you have survived the evening so far, your last test will be the supper.  Under no circumstances should you eat anything other than vegetarian food  (i.e. fruits, nuts, vegetables, or any cooked combination of these that  invariably tastes like warm, wet cardboard), or your plans for acceptance  will be sunk quicker than Atlantis was.

As you depart, make sure that you hug everyone at least once, and be sure to  offer deep and meaningful words of inspiration – such as “keep smiling” – to  every person at least twice. If you have come up with the right sort of  platitudes for everyone and if everything else has gone well, you will  probably hear your girlfriend telling her friends that you are indeed her  soulmate, and you will already be looking forward to the next gathering of  these salubrious spirituality seekers.

Good luck – or as the New Agers say – May the Great Spirit be with you!