the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 31st

the daily humorscope

Thursday, May 31, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will come up with a theory about people – that you can learn a lot about them, simply by removing the first letter of their name. For example, Ron -> On. That’s why I’m on-line. That also explains why Hugh acts so primitive, sometimes. And if I were you, I’d avoid Alice.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millenium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’re getting a little carried away with the idea of selling banner ads to make extra cash. On the other hand, a totally bare forehead is a bit of a waste of space…

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 30th

We try to remain pleasant, but this cosmically noisy day pulls us in many directions. We can be light on our feet with the Sun, clever Mercury and sweet Venus all dancing in adaptable Gemini. But Mercury’s conflictive square with warrior Mars tempts us to argue about things that may not matter in the long run. Thankfully, the Moon’s entry into harmonious Libra at 6:45 am EDT encourages practicing diplomacy as a strategy to re-establish harmony.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may enjoy the apparent chaos today as you’re distracted by one good idea after another. Although you believe you’re a positive force for change now, you should proceed carefully because you aren’t as invincible as you think. Losing your cool isn’t a wise idea; expressing extreme emotions could create more problems than it solves. Physical exercise helps channel your energy appropriately, but you also need to take additional timeouts to keep your anger in check.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You know you have too much on your plate today, yet you’re eager to accomplish as much as you can. However, you’re tired from chasing after so many goals. Don’t spread your energy too thin; instead, set priorities and focus on the most important tasks first, letting the others go. Panic is unnecessary even if you run into unexpected problems. Remember, the calmer you are now, the more effective you will be throughout the day.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You’re very charming, especially with sweet Venus in your sign. But tension is in the air and you can lose your patience if you don’t pay close attention to your feelings. You may even find yourself in the heat of an argument now, wondering how it happened. Remember, you aren’t the only one who is stressed out today, so your smartest move is to take the high road by demonstrating how well you can listen and respond with kindness.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You appear to have your desires under control, but you aren’t actually expressing what you want now. Your feelings are drawing you into deeper waters and the emotional currents can carry you far off course. But you may reach a breaking point where it requires too much energy to hide your inner world from those you love. Don’t wait too long to say what’s on your mind. A gentle approach makes the most sense while demanding results will just stir up unnecessary resistance.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You may feel unnerved from an intense emotional interaction with someone close to you. You could spend much of the day exploring ways to alleviate the tension. Unfortunately, even clever tactics won’t hide the edginess to your voice. Examine your unspoken feelings if you notice that your words sound sarcastic. There are several sensible strategies for re-establishing your balance, yet saying hurtful things is not one of them. Instead, cultivate the peace and harmony that you seek.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Concentrating on your job is difficult now as impetuous Mars in your sign squares cerebral Mercury in restless Gemini. Sometimes you can let your thoughts wander for a while, but today your fantasies may not be all that peaceful. Worrying about meeting other people’s expectations leads you around in endless circles. Fortunately, you can break out of a temporary emotional tailspin by doing something useful in the present moment, rather than wasting time stressing about the past.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It’s not easy to settle down today as your key planet Venus aligns with unpredictable Uranus. A lighthearted attitude seems inappropriate if you think you should be more concerned with serious issues. You may be too conscientious to try escaping from your responsibilities. Although harmony and pleasure seem elusive now, the Moon’s return to your sign can be a much-needed catalyst in your search for peace.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You aren’t happy about having to maintain a high level of focus today, especially with all the intriguing distractions tempting you. But, ultimately, your strength of purpose is nonnegotiable; you really don’t want to get angry, but it could be an effective way now to inform others that you mean business. Those unwilling to help you along your path would be wise to quietly step out of your way.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are able to see the beauty in someone special, but it may not be easy to express how you feel today. You are tempted to sidestep the issue by glibly telling a story or talking about your plans so you don’t have to show your vulnerability by sharing what’s in your heart. Remember, the deeper meaning of life won’t come from a clever conversation. Although it’s easy to demonstrate your wit, it’s more important to be honest and clearly say what’s on your mind.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You won’t likely be caught off guard today, and your apparent stability could draw others to you as they try to manage the stressful situations in their own personal lives. However, you’re not entirely without your own worries now, and everyone else’s demands might create an extra layer of anxiety for you. Nevertheless, go ahead and offer your shoulder to a loved one, but be firm about drawing the line when you need time to take care of yourself.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You nostalgically remember simpler days in the past and you may long for their return. You might even experience anger when you realize that these times are complicated and simplicity isn’t likely to be found. Although you’re balancing on an emotional high wire now, you still have an opportunity to live your dreams. Don’t let this chance slip by without doing something about it.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You have more strength than others realize, yet your resistance to your own power can get in the way of your success. Don’t succumb to any feelings of insecurity by needlessly comparing yourself to anyone else. You are a unique individual with unique capabilities; the key now is your own self-awareness. Fortunately, managing your belief system can have a positive impact on everyone around you.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 30th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will spend another entire day worried about your feet. But honestly, most people don’t notice these things. On the other hand, most people don’t spontaneously grow more toes, either.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will declare war on ham, today. Possibly on all pork, not just ham. Why? Nobody will know.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a hunch, today. Perhaps you should try a firmer mattress?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to fritter things away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be struck by an odd thought, today. Fortunately it will be only a glancing blow, and will do little actual damage.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you will suddenly and quite unexpectedly become fascinated by fishing. You’ll spend all your spare time looking through lures, and will videotape all the fishing shows. Don’t lose hope, though — while there is no known cure for your condition, there’s a team working on it at MIT.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This is a good time to start becoming a connosieur. You have to take that one thing at a time, though – e.g. nobody is going to become a wine connosier overnight. Start with something that’s fun to say. Pumpernickel, for example.

Your Horoscope Spirit Profile

by Annie B. Bond

Most of us have read the personality descriptions on the online horoscope sites, or in the newspaper. But here is a somewhat deeper look at your Sun Sign’s primary qualities, seen from the perspective of the spirit.

Find out more about your deeper nature, right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Forceful, self-willed, enthusiastic, exaggerative, passionate, extrovert, pioneer, courageous, self-sufficient, idealistic.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Strong-willed, toiling, practical, sensuous, musical, literary, artistic, temperate, moist, fruitful, magnetic, beneficent, intractable.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Communicative, inventive, alert, inquisitive, swift, sharp, versatile, dry, mental, ardent, youthful, mobile, idealistic.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Reflection, sensitivity, memory, receptiveness, fluctuation, responsiveness, sympathy, magnetism.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Initiation, power, glory, vigor, ardor, beneficence, creative force, self-expression, full of ideas, talent.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Practicality, discernment, intelligence, healing (health, hygiene, diet), duty, fundamentals, craftsmanship, purity.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Harmony, gentleness, stability, discrimination, beauty, affection, partnership, marriage, social awareness, justice.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: Power, energy, intensity, will, magnetism, subtlety, resurrection, elimination, renewal, resolution.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Honesty, clarity, dignity, benevolence, magnanimity, jollity, encompassing quality, optimism, loyalty, independence, generosity, love of education, literature, justice.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Responsibility, duty, toil, enquiry, restraint, secrecy, discipline, patience, persistence, doggedness, indefatigable aspiration, limitation, taciturnity, practicality, idealism.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Independence, turbulence, fellowship, friendship, relationship, originality, genius, brotherhood, abstraction, optimism, intellect, remoteness, literature, science, inventiveness, peace, artistry, inspiration, perversity, tenacity, intuition.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Intuitive, impressionable, fanciful, naïve, free spirit, unworldly, creative, imaginative, clairvoyant, retiring, vulnerable, studious, romantic, emotional, trusting, vacillating, melancholy, indecisive, insecure, artistic.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 29, 2012

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Someone you’ve never met will come up and nudge you today. You don’t have to stand for that, though, and you should just nudge them right back.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocketship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Benjamin Franklin said: “If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some.” You’re not sure this is an accurate indicator of the value of things, however. At least not after having tried to borrow a toothbrush…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Not a good time to go forth and conquer. Try going fifth, and hover in the background.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
That bad smell in the closet will get stronger. Time to investigate.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware of Doug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to have an idea of almost mind-boggling brilliance. Try to remain calm.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 29th

, May 29, 2012

 

If you feel besieged by worries and nervous anxiety, there is a cosmic reason. The Sun follows the lead of Mercury from yesterday when the Messenger of the Gods formed dicey aspects with Saturn and Pluto. Now it is the turn of the Sun to make a frictional, 135-degree tie with taskmaster Saturn (12:54AM PDT) while the Sun then moves on to form an abrasive, 150-degree contact with extremist Pluto (4:57PM PDT). Thus, for two days in a row, the potentially malevolent forces associated with the shadow sides of Saturn and Pluto are back on the prowl. Your best approach is to be a goodwill ambassador to colleagues, friends and dear ones for the entire day. You may be able to stay productive in arts, crafts and hobbies – thanks to a Moon-Ceres trine from Virgo to Taurus (10:43AM PDT). If possible, stock up on vitamins, supplements, cereals, grains, herbs, nuts, seeds and seasonings with the Moon in the sixth sign of the zodiac. Put primary partnerships under the microscope tonight when Juno opposes Jupiter (10:25PM PDT). Strive to empower your most important relationship ties because a short-circuiting at this time might prove highly detrimental. Giving you extra encouragement to make progress in improving love ties is a Moon-Jupiter flowing trine of 120-degrees at 10:51PM PDT. However, this Moon-Jupiter liaison also begins a void lunar uncertainty zone that lasts until 3:47AM PDT tomorrow when the Moon enters Libra. Don’t make major decisions overnight.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, may 26th

the daily humorscope

Saturday, May 26, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity.”..er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your butler will quit, today, in a tiff. Since you can only view gif and jpeg, though, it will be quite some time before you realize that.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will become stuck in a wicker chair. This is what the British refer to as a “sticky wicker”, as it is an unfortunately common occurrence in their climate.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to take up crime fighting, as a hobby. First, make yourself a really awesome leotard and cape, and maybe some sort of unusual headgear. That’s how most of them get started.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will finally reach the breaking point, since that incessant pounding from your new neighbour’s place is driving you nuts! You will storm over there, but what you find will be very bad news indeed. Your new neighbour is the Energizer Bunny.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to act extremely childish.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will become fascinated by the unlikely use of the same word to mean very different things. For example, what is the link between “seasons” as changes in the weather and “seasons” as in what you do to food? Or for that matter, why are Fall and Spring named for action verbs, and not Summer and Winter? Shouldn’t those be called something like Wiggle and Shiver?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 24th

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, May 24, 2012 

 

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will read a bit of Shakespeare, and just before you fall asleep, you will think: “A duck, by any other name, would smell as foul.” Never mix Shakespeare and chocolate icecream. The results can be a trifle unpredictable.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Bad news: people think you’re becoming paranoid. Isn’t that just typical, though? I mean, they don’t even HAVE invisible malevolent air-squids spying on THEM, do they?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
More fun with twine, today. Isn’t it great!?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
In the grocery store, you will see quite a few people with infants in their shopping carts. Try though you might, however, you will not be able to find the bin with the children. Perhaps they’re sold out? Important Safety Tip: do not stop one of the women with an infant and ask her to show you where her baby came from.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Village Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, May 22nd

Our optimism may turn a molehill into a mountain today as mischievous Mercury’s hook-up with bombastic Jupiter has us telling tall tales. Although the Mercury-Jupiter conjunction occurs in practical Taurus, three planets in carefree Gemini indicate our desire to fill the day with things to do and people to see. Thankfully, the Gemini Moon activates a trine between sweet Venus and realistic Saturn, reminding us that some things are worth the wait.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Although you may already have taken on too many responsibilities, you’re so confident that you’re ready to put even more on your plate today. Unfortunately, you could spend so much energy just trying to fulfill your obligations that there isn’t much time left over to relax. Don’t wait for the end of the day to wish you had less to complete. Instead, judiciously cut back on your activities by setting healthy limits right from the start.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You might think that your strategy is a sound one, but you could unexpectedly discover that you have oversimplified your plan. You feel a bit scattered today, even if you try to concentrate your efforts on what needs to be done. Although you know that pleasure eventually awaits you, finding the time to enjoy it remains tricky. Don’t get discouraged; satisfaction will be yours if you keep your eye on the prize.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Things can quickly get out of hand today with the Moon back in your changeable sign and your key planet Mercury contacting expansive Jupiter. You could easily underestimate what’s required to finish a specific task. Although you might feel overwhelmed for a while, you should be able to pull it all together by the end of the day. Don’t complain, even if you temporarily regret how much you promised. If you just stay focused and work steadily, you could have enough time left over to have some fun.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You could lose your momentum by thinking of all the reasons you can’t do something that you really want to do. Reality is testing you to see if you can overcome the obstacles in your path. Fortunately, your inner strength gives you enough clarity of vision now so you can organize many disparate puzzle pieces into a comprehensive picture. Although your friends show up to support your efforts, it’s up to you to accept the assistance that’s offered.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your moods seem to be changing quickly now and it’s difficult to know how you’re going to feel next. One minute you seem to have superpowers and then just a few moments later you’re back to being a mere mortal. Even if you can leap tall thoughts in a single bound, you still need to follow through with sensible action. There’s nothing wrong with having your head in the clouds as long as you can keep your feet on the ground at the same time.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You can accomplish a tremendous amount of work now and your productivity is likely to be positively acknowledged by others. However, you may be so enthralled with your big ideas that your excitement becomes your downfall. Unfortunately, you might not even realize if you’ve pushed too far. Don’t assume more responsibilities than you can realistically handle. Take preventative action today before you find yourself over-committed.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be a case study for the power of positive thought. You’re on a productive high now and might even be able to imagine something right into existence. It’s too bad you can’t bottle this confidence for a rainy day. Unfortunately, the creative juices are fickle and you could get yourself into trouble if you assume that you can sustain such a steady pace. Give yourself a bit of leeway today to wander off track and don’t be afraid to daydream along the way.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You honestly might not think you have time to relax enough to have the fun that is right in front of your nose. You can say that you’re ready to party, but it’s challenging to avoid the responsibilities that you already accepted. Acknowledge the limitations of what you cannot do in the present moment. Then, you will be freer to explore the deeper meaning of life without the burden of having to find the right answer.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You might get caught up in a minor power struggle today as you move through the changes that are being demanded of you. But the more you try to hold on to whatever you believe you had, the more difficult this conflict becomes. However, if your commitment to a larger cause is more important than achieving your personal goals, you should be able to gracefully navigate your way through the resistance.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You might feel a bit uncomfortable today as you try to get past your self-imposed restrictions in order to take advantage of the exciting opportunities that are being presented to you. The challenges may come to you now in the form of social engagements. However, you could learn something new if you don’t retreat too quickly. Instead, push up against your own insecurities; it’s time to recognize that your fears don’t need to get in the way of the potential in your life.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Someone might come to you with such a good idea today that it’s hard to resist. You may be feeling so upbeat now that nearly every opportunity looks worthwhile. It doesn’t matter if you’re invited to participate in a business scheme or a private party; it probably sounds better than it actually is. Fortunately, there’s no reason to react negatively; just remain open to modifying your position as more and more of the truth is unveiled.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may mistakenly believe that you can see the whole picture now. Unfortunately, precision of thought doesn’t necessarily come along with the vision. Sure, you can visualize it all, but you could jump to a wrong conclusion or miss an important detail that’s integral to making the right choices. You will probably choose in favor of the new opportunity because it sounds too amazing to say no. Just remember not to over-commit or you might end up regretting your decision.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 22nd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
This is going to be a fairly peculiar day, for you. You’ll end up taking a bus downtown. Two neatly dressed but somewhat short and embittered women will push a cart up and down the aisle in the bus, dispensing packets of honey-roasted peanuts, and miniscule quantities of Diet Coke in plastic glasses.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guinness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yucky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to invent an anti-gravity device. Or at least, to tell everyone that’s what you’re doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time to make a bold new fashion statement. What’s the reason for matching socks, anyway? Why are people so obsessed with sartorial symmetry?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This may be a little late, but heck, late is better than never. You know when they said to shop naked? They meant shopping on-line…

Your Daily Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

Your Daily Horoscopes for Monday, May 21st

 
 
It’s challenging to know what to do with all the new information we receive today. However, yesterday’s Solar Eclipse was a turning point, and the flighty Gemini Moon reminds us that we don’t have our feet back on the ground yet. But even if we perceive our world differently now, mental Mercury’s run-in with naysayer Saturn prevents us from flying with an untested idea. It will take time to integrate our clever thoughts into the real world.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Everything seems to be moving too quickly — even though you speedy Rams are the Champions of Fast. You’re also the Champions of First, but being in front of everyone else isn’t what’s most important now. Slow down your words so your heart can catch up to your thoughts, or otherwise you’ll be the cleverest lonely person around. Even if you think too much today, saying less helps to maintain the peace.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Although your thinking picks up a bit of speed from the agile Gemini Moon, the urgency of your message is diminished by communicator Mercury’s presence in steady Taurus. It’s easier now to let go of those things that quietly bother you because you recognize that you won’t find resolution today. Nevertheless, your natural persistence enables you to restore balance between your current need for immediate gratification and your willingness to wait until the timing is right.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your world is changing faster than you realize. Even if you have a well thought-out plan, rational Mercury’s anxious quincunx with sobering Saturn just might send you back to the drawing board to tighten your logic. Meanwhile, the Moon dances along in your sign, but it’s not a simple tune that’s playing, especially if you are trying to hold on to a feeling from the past. Nevertheless, share what’s in your heart before it’s too late.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Fear is creeping into your subconscious mind today and turning your imagination two shades darker. Just remember that dark doesn’t necessarily imply evil; it simply means an absence of light. What you think and feel can seem more real now than reality itself. Enjoy the magic of the Hall of Mirrors without needing to know what’s going to happen next. Fortunately, your active imagination holds the keys to your future.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

There’s an important shift brewing in your social world now that the Sun, Moon and Venus are all occupying your 11th House of Friends. Something out of the ordinary may occur, ultimately making you feel as if your friends or co-workers aren’t even on your side. However, these feelings could be just an illusion playing a trick on you. Let things develop naturally and don’t try to read too much into the current situation.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

If everything at work appears to be too good to be true today, then something is about to change. However, if progress has been bumpy, it may be smart to examine what changes you could initiate. But don’t get too impatient or your frustration can put a negative spin on your professional relationships. It is to your advantage to allow the tensions to resolve gradually, without applying too much pressure to have things go your way.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You tend to be rather philosophical about your day, even if it doesn’t turn out as you envisioned it. Instead of getting all stressed out over a necessary change of plans, you might just quietly adapt as required. Nevertheless, there’s still a price to be paid for missing your mark. Instead of wasting energy worrying about a setback, process your disappointment quickly so you can set new goals and try again.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

The current cluster of planets in your 8th House of Shared Resources might affect your material possessions and income status. However, this emphasis is just as often about non-material things that others bring into your life, including love and sexuality. You may secretly wish that you could withdraw for a bit to re-evaluate the complexity of a relationship. Instead, stay connected to those around you and save the contemplation for another day.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

No matter how much you apply your analytical thinking today, you might not be able to figure out what’s going on in the mind of your partner. Whatever is usually transparent has now gone dark, making it impossible to accurately read the situation. Stop trying so hard to solve a temporarily unsolvable mystery. Instead, focus on the beauty in those you love and support them the best way you can.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Concentrating on the details of your work is extremely helpful today. If you do your job right, your efforts will bring you the rewards and recognition that you seek. In the meantime, there are probably more tasks to do than you expected. Even if you would rather celebrate your impending success now, don’t go popping any corks until you are absolutely positive that your tasks are truly done.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your romantic world may be in for a change, yet you cannot see what’s around the next corner. However, prior to your pursuit of happiness, you first need to finish the business that’s still on your plate. Don’t try to rush the process since it will happen on its own timetable. Instead, focus on the possibilities of your creativity, without worrying about concrete production for now.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

It’s difficult to move forward today, even if you’re enthusiastic about your next project. You might prefer hiding out in your office or at home, sharing your plans online or over the phone, as the Sun and the Moon visit your 4th House of Emotional Security. Nevertheless, it’s wise now to push beyond your comfort zone. Nothing ventured; nothing gained.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

 Sunday, May 20, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

Daily Horoscopes for Friday, May 18

We may actually have time to take a few deep breaths and relax today as the Moon enters bucolic Taurus at 6:03 am EDT. Although we might want to accomplish a lot now, it’s difficult to shift into gear with six planets in solid Earth signs. The lack of momentum means an early start to a lazy weekend as indicated by the Moon’s harmonious trines to Mars and Pluto. However, the pace picks up noticeably by Sunday evening’s New Moon Solar Eclipse.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are building your case to justify something you intend to do, but this rationalization may be more about convincing yourself than anyone else. Think about what you’re taking for granted before reconsidering your assumptions. You might need to change your mind, even if you are certain that you’re right. It’s crucial to establish an enduring foundation for your beliefs before you are too far along in your plans.

 
Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are under steady pressure to change, but you will grow stronger by resisting on specific points. You may believe that others are judging you unfairly, yet you seem to take it all in stride. However, you could grow weary from the stress because you must pay attention to every single move you make. Try not to get too frustrated if your progress is stymied. It’s better to take small steps than none at all.

 
Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The intensity of your daily routine continues to settle now, but even if you act as if you’re doing great, things may not be as pleasant as you prefer. You may feel restless because you want more variety and excitement in your life. If your need for mental stimulation isn’t being met, then something must change. Bide your time for a few more days; the energy will shift in a positive direction next week.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You have been running hot and cold lately, challenging you to find a happy medium between the extremes. Even if you attempt to smooth things out today, it still may feel like you’re bouncing back and forth between optimism and pessimism. Thankfully, the pragmatic Taurus Moon gives you the common sense to move beyond your clever words. Remember, if you don’t push so hard now, you won’t have to retreat as far.

 
Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It may be easier for you to reach your goals today if you are more realistic about them. Fortunately, your concentration seems to take you further than usual now, enabling you to make a lot of progress. Ultimately, you don’t need to pull any rabbits out of magical hats; you have a good chance of touching the stars if you just keep your feet on the ground.

 
Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may discover an opportunity to embark on a special trip, an extended holiday or just a weekend getaway now with four planets in your 9th House of Travel. Don’t let this opportunity pass. Daydream about your vacation today; don’t even try to hide your vision. Just bring an unconventional scheme out into the open, and the rewards might follow quicker than you expect.

 
Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be pulled into someone’s drama now before you even realize what happened. Although you probably have plenty of complications in your life, there may be a few more yet to handle. Even if there’s a storm brewing around you, the good news is that you’re feeling more centered. Don’t be tricked into thinking that you will lose a chance at success unless you act decisively right away. The truth is that even the smallest steps can lead to major improvements.

 
Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are like a participant in a relay race now, trying to maintain a steady pace. You are finished with one cycle yet the next one hasn’t yet started. If you aren’t willing to let go of the baton, you will be stuck doing the same old thing. Fortunately, your teammates are more stable than you think and handing off responsibilities to them is a smart strategy.

 
Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

 
Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Your Lunar Love Horoscopes for the Weekend of May 18 – 20

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Comfort … and Confusion

May 18 – 20

This might turn out to be a lost weekend capped off by the disorientating wake-up call of a Gemini Solar Eclipse on Sunday evening. It starts out reasonably enough with the Moon’s presence in earthy Taurus on Friday. Partaking in physical comforts like delicious food and drink, gentle massage and sensual movement can produce a welcoming atmosphere for drama-free romance.

This indulgent pattern continues on Saturday with the lunar transit through Taurus giving you the chance to slow down and enjoy life’s many pleasures. Nature is especially alluring as beautiful sights and sweet smells arouse primal desires. Keep things simple with a leisurely schedule to create the trust and tranquility that encourage romance. Cooking a tasty meal with someone is a delightful way to tap into the easygoing joy of the laid-back Taurus Moon.

Yet even the most delectable experiences can seem to fade quickly with Sunday’s Solar Eclipse. The Sun enters jittery Gemini in the morning, followed by the Moon in the early evening. These two great lights in the sky then hook up in this easily distracted sign, producing the flighty Gemini New Moon and, in this case, also a Solar Eclipse. This is both a beginning and an end when you can find yourself standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff that makes it hard to return to the past, yet you may not be ready to make a serious decision about the future. Let the dust settle before you choose your next step.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

 

Friday, May 18, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 18th

Finally, after the Sturm und Drang of the last two days – concerning solar and planetary mischief-making – the cosmos calms down considerably. Stress and strain are almost nowhere to be found – except for the fact that the 15 or so sky patterns that caused the ruckus are still reverberating with echoes of their former selves in the shadow regions of our collective consciousness. In the meantime, the void Aries Moon that began yesterday is eliminated at 3:04AM PDT when the Moon reaches the sign of its exaltation – Taurus. Tend to your garden while also enjoying cooking, baking and other natural hobbies that please the senses. Get back into your exercise routines with a flourish. Your intuition concerning investment planning may be right on the money since the Moon approaches its monthly union with Vesta (forming precisely at 7:51PM PDT). Communication channels appear to be clearer than usual – thanks to the Moon in parallel to Mercury (7:28PM PDT). Mercury is also moving at its top speed – over 2 degrees per day – and this quick movement by the ancient Messenger of the Gods will last until June 7. Mercury with wings equates with a more rapid-thought process and urge to speak your mind with authority. Topping off the day is a vitality-booster (physically and emotionally) as the Moon trines Pluto (9:47PM PDT) and Mars (11:33PM PDT). These two lunar aspects actually create a temporary grand triangle in earth signs involving the Moon, Mars and Pluto. Be prepared for a mega-dose of cosmic energy happening this weekend as the Sun opposes Juno (tomorrow) and an Annular Solar Eclipse occurs on Sunday.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 16th

Our willpower is intense and our stamina strong as energetic Mars harmonizes with relentless Pluto today. We need this deep reserve of power now because the impulsive Aries Moon triggers quick reactions, but without the follow-through needed to finish what we start. Nevertheless, we still may grow discouraged when we realize that we won’t reach our goals overnight as confident Jupiter runs into an irritating quincunx with taskmaster Saturn.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

The Moon’s current visit to your active sign pushes you through some pretty bumpy territory today, but you’re capable of standing up to whatever challenges come your way. Handling the obstacles in your path requires hard work, yet you probably won’t feel depleted now even if you put out a lot of energy. But your good intentions won’t likely be enough; pace yourself and don’t quit, even if you face a minor setback along the way.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your determination comes in handy today as you try to remedy a complex situation that has created its share of stress. Although you might not be able to put everything back together right away, don’t give up. Steer clear of taking a shortcut; temporary patches and quick fixes are not a smart idea. A little extra persistence will help you find a positive solution to the problem.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You aren’t eager to stand up to a powerful person now and even just thinking about a confrontation makes you anxious. Luckily, the process should go more smoothly once you start a constructive conversation. Don’t freeze under pressure; you can outmaneuver nearly anyone if you remain mentally agile. If you are willing to learn from your opponent today, you will probably end up getting exactly what you need from the interaction.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Someone’s bad behavior doesn’t have to be a showstopper if you nip the problem in the bud. However, your plan could backfire if you try to suppress the expression of fear or anger. The smartest way to respond to this tricky situation now is to engage the other person by showing genuine concern and asking probing questions. Once you understand what’s happening, you can deal with the tension out in the open instead of shadowboxing with a hidden enemy.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Concerns about self-worth and net worth are more intertwined than you might think. Thankfully, you may feel quite optimistic because you’re in touch with the power of your emotions today. This is a good time to close a sale or ask for a raise, since your confidence inspires others. If your current actions are supported by your job performance, you are likely to get the money that you want out of the deal.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You are feeling special today, but relationships may be so intense now that life seems a bit overwhelming. You are tempted to go overboard by demonstrating your partnering skills because you want to give a special someone a show that he or she won’t forget. Luckily, the results could be extremely rewarding as long as you don’t lose sight of your purpose. If you put too much effort into appearing unrealistically perfect, others might walk away. Simply being yourself is your best strategy.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Maintaining your concentration is nearly impossible today if your curiosity is aroused. It’s difficult to ignore the information that is coming your way now because you realize its significance. However, you might be so sure of yourself that new facts won’t change your mind. Even if you think that you know what to do, remain open to the possibility of changing your mind.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be in a positive state of mind because your plans are unfolding on schedule now. But something is gnawing away at the edges of your awareness, no matter how upbeat you are feeling. Instead of attempting to ignore your pangs of uncertainty, explore the origins of your current doubts. Expand your thinking to integrate your fears; once you adjust to the new landscape, you should be able to navigate around the shadows of your subconscious without being afraid of the dark.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Expressing your feelings today might heat things up more than you expect, so it’s a good idea to proceed slowly. Unfortunately, suppressing your ideas adds tension to your relationships with co-workers. Although it may be challenging to strike a manageable balance between your optimism and your pessimism now, don’t give up. Do your best to keep communication channels open even if there’s no obvious resolution in sight.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be in a very expressive mood today, but what you’re saying isn’t easy for everyone to hear. Your uncharacteristic emotional intensity can surprise others and set them off balance. Yet, you aren’t interested in lighthearted banter; you want to go deep. Don’t waste your energy getting angry with someone who won’t match your serious attitude. Instead of trying to change anyone; observe your feelings and work to transform them in a positive manner.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may grow restless today, especially if loved ones are being so nice to you that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Other people’s pleasantries might even seem like a sign of weakness. But don’t mistakenly harden your position now just to demonstrate your strength. Practice being strong and yielding at the same time, instead. Staying flexible in thought helps you move through your day with grace and gratitude.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be motivated by a co-worker or partner who seems to have all the answers today. Fortunately, competent peers help you be more productive now, but that isn’t a reason to give up your power to others. Instead look at the role you play in your own success, even if you are just one member on a team. Working with amazing people doesn’t have to rob you of your self-esteem if you’re willing to acknowledge your valuable contribution to the group effort.