Tag: Taurus

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, July 10

We are likely to react emotionally, yet still withhold any outward display as the impulsive Aries Moon squares the passive Cancer Sun, emphasizing the difference between how we feel and what we express. We must make choices by trying to balance our enthusiasm with sensitivity. A spiritual Moon-Neptune alignment can be confusing now by tempting us with unrealistic fantasies, yet our dreams still offer rewards if we’re willing to explore them.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your air of optimism may dissipate as you think about letting others know exactly what’s on your mind. However, if you do tell all you might have a mess on your hands to clean up afterward. Discretion is important or you could needlessly hurt the feelings of someone you really like. An act of kindness is worth far more than a self-indulgent disclosure.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You would like to be by yourself today, but there may be too much going on for you to completely withdraw. It appears that you cannot have it either way. If you are home alone, you can’t keep your mind off the fun things you could be doing. And if you are out with friends or family, you just want some quiet time to yourself. No matter what, don’t fall into the trap of blaming your dissatisfaction on anyone else. Make the most of where you are in the present moment without trying to be somewhere else.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Your friends may be the source of a current dilemma, especially if they have one agenda and you have another. Social activities can play an important role in your weekend, but you might be bored with the agreed-upon schedule. Don’t let yourself get roped into doing anything you cannot easily escape. Establishing your boundaries up front is wiser than suffering the consequences of just going along with the crowd.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Instead of being in charge of a group activity, you would rather have everyone share in the responsibilities now. You really don’t have much patience since everything seems to take longer than it should. Instead of hurrying others along, try slowing yourself down. You may be surprised at how well this unorthodox strategy works for you today.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You are ready for a vacation and even if you cannot take an extended one, a quick weekend getaway should be enough to alleviate the pressure. Don’t worry if you haven’t made any plans yet. A spontaneous day trip can be just what the doctor ordered. But if you’re already booked for the day, at least pick a weekend on the calendar and start planning your great escape.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

A new approach in your dealings with an intimate partner or a business associate might be enough to change a difficult dynamic. But don’t expect to make gains without some sort of uncomfortable confrontation first. Once you put your feelings out on the table, others will be able to engage you on an emotional level and this can make all the difference in the world.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

A conflict that’s been quietly brewing for several days might explode into a full-blown argument today. Although you believe that you have an airtight case, keep in mind that someone else may be thinking the same thing. Paradoxically, reality can support multiple points of view, so don’t turn this into a fight to the finish. Instead, find a way that allows both of you to be right.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Discovering new ways to do the same old things brightens your day with fun and excitement. But just because you have a great idea doesn’t mean you can turn it into reality. Rather than trying to take on too much and fix everything today, just make one small improvement to your routine. Proactive change has a greater positive impact than you realize.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Although you would like today to be a play day you have previous commitments to fulfill, making it difficult to just go off and have fun. If you do ignore your current responsibilities, you might end up feeling so guilty that you cannot enjoy yourself, anyhow. Don’t be in such a hurry to run out on your obligations. Instead, bring others into your confidence by letting them know about your desires. They may be more willing to compromise in such a way that you get some time off, anyhow.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Spending some time at home today might not be as relaxing as you wish, for your day is filled with excitement no matter what you do. Instead of trying to withdraw from the action, engage it head on. By involving yourself voluntarily, you’ll end up feeling more in control. And even if you try to go off on your own, you’ll still get pulled into the day’s events. Letting go of control allows you to enjoy yourself more than you could imagine.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your day can feel like one personal crisis after another if you attempt to spend it in solitude, because others will likely be more involved with your business than you wish. Even if you are left alone, you probably won’t be able to completely relax since you have work to do. Although you believe you know what’s best, be flexible and let your friends influence your plans. Expect the unexpected and enjoy the ride.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Retail therapy might make you feel better today, but this is merely masking a symptom of a deeper issue. Your values are changing and you are eager to surround yourself with material objects that reflect your new outlook on life. Go ahead and honor your impulse to spend money, but avoid buyer’s remorse by making sure that your purchase is also practical.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Friday, July 6

We may be more concerned with the larger issues of humanity today than with our own unique dilemmas. The emotionally detached Aquarius Moon encourages us to think about general concepts rather than individual concerns. However, looking at everything from a more global perspective can be problematic since the security-conscious Cancer Sun still pulls us back to more personal issues that involve our homes, families, and close relationships.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Your life may be more complicated than it appears now, yet you don’t want anyone to see how much you are keeping to yourself. It’s easier to be socially engaged if you downplay your unorthodox interests. Restraining your impulsive behavior is wise because your need for independence clashes with your current desire to build lasting relationships. Remember, there’s no reason to share all your thoughts and fantasies with anyone else unless that’s what you really want to do.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You have an uncanny sense about the right thing to do in a relationship today. Unfortunately, choosing the responsible path over a more playful one may not be a lot of fun, but you can still feel good about acting in a self-disciplined manner. Being practical is not flashy, but it enables you to prepare for the future, which ultimately can bring you an enduring satisfaction.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Even the strongest dose of common sense may not be sufficient to keep you on task today because you are so easily distracted by the light of your own brilliance. However, shiny objects aren’t as enticing as great ideas now, so it’s hard to be motivated simply by the temptation of more money. Thankfully, a unique approach to your current job might enable you to make a long-awaited breakthrough. Keep refocusing on your goals if you want to achieve success.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

It’s difficult to express your feelings today. If you find yourself in a deep discussion with a powerful person, your fear of rejection might tempt you to withdraw to protect your security. But even if you face the resistance, your words might not flow easily now because your emotions are still in flux. Be patient, it becomes more natural to speak your mind once your changing moods begin to settle down. Take time to listen to your heart.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Your expectations are very high today, increasing the chances of being let down by a close friend or family member. But others appear to be out of touch with their feelings. If someone very close to you seems to have lost her way, lending a sympathetic ear is better now than trying to make a heroic rescue. Concentrate on reaching your goals and setting an example for others to follow.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Most tasks handed off to you today are potential opportunities for you to develop a new and exciting method that saves everyone time. But it’s crucial to know when to quit or you could spend the entire day seeking the next great breakthrough, even if the tried and true way would have worked just fine. Sometimes the same old approach is the most reliable thing you can do. Demonstrate your keen intelligence by choosing which path makes the most sense now for the job at hand.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

The sensitive Cancer Sun is halfway through its month-long journey through your 10th House of Career, possibly bringing you well-deserved recognition at work. But taskmaster Saturn is also in the equation today, requiring you to give your assignments all you can. Expect amazing results, for even if you don’t quite meet your goals, your chances for success are greatly enhanced by your confident attitude and your extra effort.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You’re able to shine your light brightly today because you can see great potential wherever you look. However, blind optimism is not a wise strategy; it only inflates and then dashes your expectations. Nevertheless, your willingness to assume the best outcome could open one door after another to opportunities that you would have just walked by at another time in your life.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You’re not particularly interested in undertaking a major project by yourself these days. Fortunately, your world is full of amazing people, each with something special to offer. You might expect it to be easy to find someone willing to work with you, but everyone seems to be too busy now. However, don’t give up searching for a business or personal partner. Accepting less than you want may seem wise in the moment, but it’s even better to wait for the right person.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Your ruling planet Saturn is softened by a harmonious trine from the nurturing Moon today. Normally, rational Saturn and the emotional Moon send conflicting messages, but your steady work now seems to garner beneficial results. Find the balance between knowing exactly what you want and realizing that you cannot fulfill every desire. Prioritize the potential pleasures in front of you, carefully choose your best shot at happiness and then take it.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You might be so confident today that you think you can do everything. Unfortunately, spreading yourself too thin makes it impossible to finish even the simplest chores. Don’t be so blinded by your own illuminating ideas that you lose sight of the practical realities that still govern your life. It’s more important now to be responsible than it is to act like a genius.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You could be undecided about a significant personal issue because you can see it from both sides now. Your enthusiasm tempts you to say yes and jump wholeheartedly into the new project, but your heightened common sense is screaming no. Forcing a decision today only leads you to change your mind farther down the road, so take your time before making a final choice.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Tuesday, July 3rd

Our struggle between the drive to accomplish goals in the outer world and the need to protect our security within is reflected by today’s ambitious Capricorn Full Moon at 2:51 pm EDT. The Moon’s morning conjunction with mysterious Pluto and square to unpredictable Uranus may serve up a surprise or two, requiring us to suddenly change our plans. Meanwhile, warrior Mars enters peaceful Libra, encouraging diplomacy over more forceful solutions.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Today’s Capricorn Full Moon brightens your 10th House of Profession, yet your heart may be drawn toward your family life. The dilemma arises from different strategies on how to best manage changes at work. On one hand, you are ready to fully engage and do whatever must be done. However, you also want to retreat into the safety of your personal world. Give yourself a few more days until the dust settles before making any long-lasting decisions.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

The practical Capricorn Full Moon emphasizes your 9th House of Big Ideas, stressing your plans for the future. Although you may already know what you want to do, insecurities kick in, causing you to doubt yourself — even if you are aware of the obstacles in your way. This isn’t necessarily about real blockages; it’s more about what you need to do to overcome your self-doubt. There’s no reason for immediate change. But even while you stick to your current agenda, keep an open mind about what to do next.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Exercising self-control still won’t prevent your feelings from affecting your thoughts now that the Capricorn Full Moon is illuminating your 8th House of Intimacy. Your thinking is not as logical as you prefer, but your emotions are telling you something important about your relationship with someone you love. You are tempted to ignore your inner voice and follow the path of common sense, instead. It may be a stretch but trust your intuition, regardless of your fear of being irrational.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

The earthy Capricorn Full Moon pulls directly opposite the watery Cancer Sun, stirring tidal forces from the depths of your hidden subconscious. Your unspoken needs come precariously close to the shores of awareness, impacting your everyday life. Use your imagination to find balance; create a safe harbor for yourself and your loved ones where you can share your dreams and fears without worry. Instead of isolating yourself, spend time with those who will support you through times of change.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Current responsibilities may prevent you from diving into the warm and nurturing backwaters of your own fantasies. However, others don’t realize how deep and wide your imagination is, for you are not sharing everything that you feel now. The Capricorn Full Moon activates your 6th House of Habits, encouraging you to stick to your daily routine as much as possible. Just don’t get so caught up in what you’re doing that you forget to honor your unexpressed dreams, too.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Today’s goal-oriented Capricorn Full Moon occurs in your 5th House of Self-Expression, requiring you to exercise good judgment and self-restraint if you want to reach your desired destination. Holding back your feelings isn’t anything new to you since you understand the impracticality of emotions. Share what’s on your mind, but taking a conservative approach is the most effective strategy now. Others are more willing to listen if they feel that their ideas are acknowledged and appreciated just as much as yours.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

The serious Capricorn Full Moon falls in your 4th House of Home and Family, possibly overwhelming you with domestic responsibilities. Yet superhero Mars enters your harmonizing sign today, reminding you that you cannot do everything all at once. Instead of fretting over deadlines, simply concentrate on the present moment. When the emotional currents settle down over the days ahead, you’ll be thankful for what you actually accomplished, as will everyone who depends on you.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Love grows complicated when you take an all-or-nothing approach to your needs. It’s a challenge for you to stay comfortable in the middle of the emotional spectrum. However, the calculating Capricorn Full Moon falls in your 3rd House of Communication, encouraging you to consider the consequences of your message before telling a loved one what’s on your mind. A healthy balance between expression and restraint can put you on the path to relationship success.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Today’s responsible Capricorn Moon lights up your 2nd House of Personal Resources and you might be concerned if you don’t see a way to balance your income with your expenditures. It’s challenging to separate your financial worries from deeper issues about self-worth. Rather than focusing your attention on what’s missing in your life, concentrate on the positive things, instead. Counting your blessings is a smart way to raise your self-esteem and also, possibly, your bottom line.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

This cautious Capricorn Full Moon can test your strength as you ride powerful emotional waves. It’s both challenging and invigorating to balance your strong feelings with the necessities of the outer world. The distinction between your dreams and reality is more apparent to you than ever before. But don’t fight the strong currents; there’s more to gain by just putting yourself in the middle and enjoying the ride. The intensity will settle back down over the days ahead.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You are eagerly anticipating indulging in some personal time as today’s Capricorn Full Moon shines in your 12th House of Escape, even if current obligations still require you to follow your regular routine. But don’t get too worked up trying to finish everything now. Just do what you can, while allowing time for short breaks throughout the day. Enjoy the distractions; you will return to your chores feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Finding the right balance between responsibility and recreation is the trick.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Although you might feel as if you’re stretched to the max, you also recognize that you need to take time to recharge your batteries. The steady Capricorn Moon energizes your 11th House of Social Networking, giving you the opportunity to spend time with friends and relatives. Your current tendency is to be critical of yourself, which could drain your energy instead of increasing it. So, above all, cut yourself some slack, chill out and enjoy the camaraderie while you can.

Daily Horoscopes for Friday, June 22

We need to express our feelings today yet something is holding us back. The lively Leo Moon encourages us to be bold and to place our thoughts right out on the table for everyone to see. However, the shy Cancer Sun raises fears about being too vulnerable. We may be hesitant to say anything because we don’t want to attract any more attention than is necessary. Ultimately, an electrifying Moon-Uranus trine helps us break through the resistance.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may be feeling more confident about who you are and what you are doing with your life now. It’s as if you are awakening from a deep sleep because someone suddenly switched the lights on. Instead of rushing ahead with your latest and greatest plan, continue to sift through your options. Nothing will be gained by overreacting. A brilliant idea today will be even better next week.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Two facets of your personality may clash today without a clear winner. The more you attempt to hold on to what you once thought true, the harder it will be to make the right move. You could waste precious energy if you try to force resolution to a current problem. Luckily, the best solutions will come on their own accord now if you remain open to change.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You could dance circles around everyone else today because you feel as if you’re at the top of your game. Others may think that you’re even more charming than usual, yet it’s crucial not to overplay your hand now. Continue to pursue your goals, but don’t push too hard. Your best allies will show their support if you act with confidence, tempered with a bit of humility.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Opening your heart too quickly could make you a bit uncomfortable. As sensitive as you are, try not to get caught up in someone else’s reaction to your emotional disclosure. What others think is less important today than what you feel. You’re better off in the long run if you share your feelings now, whether or not your vulnerability is received with much enthusiasm.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Examine your own feelings today in order to discover how you can show someone exactly what you need. But, you could find yourself on dangerous ground if you’re motivated by a strictly selfish point of view. The Moon’s presence in your dramatic sign illuminates your inner process with a spotlight so bright that you might not even notice if someone is already offering you what you want. Shifting the focus and listening to others ultimately allows you to be more receptive to the rewards you seek.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Something that’s left unsaid today grabs your attention, as if the unspoken words have more power because they are kept secret. Your current fear of the unknown can create a simple misunderstanding, especially if you make a false assumption. You don’t have to fast-talk your way through an awkward moment; it’s OK to leave a mystery unexplored for now and just move on.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You’re looking for an enjoyable escape from work today and, thankfully, your friends come riding to your rescue. Although you are prepared to meet your obligations, you long for a more meaningful chance to share what’s on your mind. If you don’t have something already on your social calendar, get on the phone and make it happen. This can be a fulfilling day, but might not amount to much unless you are willing to co-create it.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You might share more of your emotional needs than you intend today due to an unexpected intense interaction at work or a heated discussion at home. However, you want to present yourself in a more professional way now that the expressive Leo Moon is occupying your 10th House of Public Status. You are wise to remember that your job needs to come first at this time. Although it’s fully acceptable to bring your feelings into a discussion, you don’t have to reveal everything going on in your heart. Talking things out in a rational manner demonstrates your strength of character.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You may be excited about what’s happening in a personal or business relationship, but it’s crucial that you don’t ignore important information now just so you can continue enjoying yourself. It’s not that you are leaning toward denial; it’s just that the data you have may not be as clear as you would prefer. If you find yourself drifting off into dreamland today, consciously bring yourself back to ground level and get to work.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You are driven to work harder these days since you believe that you must make a significant commitment to your career, especially if you are to reach your goals. However, your fear of failure may be the symptom of a deeper issue. Critical self-judgment could stem from your uneasiness with your own ambitions. Be more appreciative of what you have already accomplished instead of worrying about what you’re going to do next.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

A partnership creates stress that may bubble to the surface now, even if you didn’t notice the tension as it was building. Although things might be going along well, a difficult interaction today makes you feel unsure of your role in the relationship. Stick to the facts; if you drift off into philosophical realms of conjecture you’re sure to lose focus. Instead of trying to explain the past, concentrate your thoughts on the present moment.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You might need to spend extra time doing things for others now without receiving the recognition you deserve. This lack of acknowledgment is likely to bring up old familiar issues. You don’t necessarily want the spotlight shining directly on you, but you still may be resentful if someone else receives the applause. Don’t be shy; let those responsible know if your feelings have been hurt. The atmosphere will lighten once you clear the air.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 22

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 22, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It’s your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Hide.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Your neighbours will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 20

the daily humorscope    

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today is the second-to-last day, of the 19th segment of your life. Time to learn to appreciate tofu (bean curd).

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Resist temptation, today. You might have to get rough with it, or even wrestle it to the ground.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II.”

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Something is about to become overly intimate with you. Intimacy can be good. Just not with fungus.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!.”

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?

 

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat”. Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 19

the daily humorscope 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Beware of poltergeists, today.

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Stop slouching, and sit up straight! How do you expect to get ahead in the world if you pay no attention to proper posture?

 

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you’ll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression — so you should definitely get it.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

Soon you will start work on a mystery novel, “The Curse Of The Mummy’s Nose”, told from the point of view of your cat, Erik.

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will have a visit from “The Scourge of Valderia.” He’s thin, small, balding, wears little round glasses, and dresses in a rumpled blue suit. Still you don’t want to cross him.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen and pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Noticing a picture on a colleague’s desk, you will comment “I’ve never cared for those hairless cats”. That might not be a good thing to say. Newborns can be a bit blotchy, and new parents can be a bit touchy…

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You will finally come to understand what Mies Van der Rohe was talking about when he said “Less is more.” He was talking about his brother, Lester Van der Rohe, and was referring to a small weight-gain problem.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 18

the daily humorscope 

Monday, June 18, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

Today you will get one of those pimples that just suddenly appears, and you will only notice it when you glance in the mirror after a very important meeting.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today will be especially trying, and if you’re not careful, you could end up in a pretty grumpy frame of mind. Take precautions! Wear your E.T. underwear.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

You will unearth a small stone figurine, while digging in a garden. If you set it on your television and put a small bowl of fruit in front of it, those unsightly warts should clear up in a week or two.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will discover a horror almost beyone imagining today — your home is inhabited by the ghost of an insurance salesman. Who you gonna call?

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Your Daily Horoscopes for Friday, June 15

We can prepare for the upcoming transformations by integrating all the recent changes as soon as possible. Fortunately, now that  the Moon is visiting stabilizing Taurus we feel emotionally safe to ask for what we want and may even be a bit obstinate if we think that our needs aren’t heard. However, we’re not as distracted by our own mental meanderings as it seems. Thankfully, we can concentrate our hopes on what’s most important for our future.
Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Paying close attention to financial matters makes good sense now that the materialistic Moon is moving through your 2nd House of Resources. You may have to restrain your spending in order to manage your monthly expenses, but whatever corrective actions you take today might not have much impact until next week. There’s no need to panic as long you take care of your business responsibly. Being thankful for what you currently have turns your outlook in a positive direction.

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Dealing with practical matters is a constructive use of your time, but something still bothers you even if you cross off everything on your to-do list. Perhaps an unresolved emotional issue is gnawing away at your sense of accomplishment, making you doubt your own abilities now. Putting extra effort into your work tilts the scales of judgment in your favor. But make sure that you also honor your feelings by sharing your concerns with a dependable friend.

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

Conversations are lively today, words flowing back and forth with a natural rhythm. It seems as if there is a really good connection between you and your friends, but something significant isn’t being addressed. The more questions you ask in your process of discovery, the less you realize you know. Instead of hunting down answers now, simply relax and enjoy the lighthearted interactions. You can continue your search for meaning tomorrow.

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Don’t act so surprised if your friends come through for you today in an unexpected way. You might be embarrassed at first because you are feeling more vulnerable than you prefer. However, a negative gut reaction can morph into a more positive one once you realize that you’re all on the same team. Look at the help you receive as an opportunity to get closer to someone you truly admire.

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Offering your generosity and loyalty to a friend in times of turmoil is something you do quite naturally. However, your actions might affect more than any one single person. There’s no need to hold back if others are looking to you for leadership. Deliver the goods, along with a song and a smile; your dependability acts as a shining example for those around you.

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You’re naturally motivated to stand high on the mountain so you have the very best view, yet developing your vision may be quite complicated now. Intellectually, you can expand your perspective through education, so consider enrolling in a course or even traveling to widen your horizons. There’s no need to confine your explorations to books or classrooms; you might learn more by embarking on an adventure in the real world.

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Your love for the finer things in life lures you into an emotionally charged conversation with a close friend as you explore the possibilities ahead. You’re interested in going on a trip or doing something that breaks you out of your current routine, but you don’t want to move too fast. Talking about change is safer now than actually making your move. Consider today’s discussion as the first step toward making your dreams come true.

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Getting into an argument is easier than resolving it. If you run into a stubborn person who tries to tell you what to do today, it might irk you enough to tell them off. Unfortunately, even a small disagreement now could escalate into an emotionally uncomfortable confrontation. Being aware of your intensity enables you to keep the energy from getting too extreme. Sidestepping conflict by taking the high road turns things in a positive direction.

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Your own crazy antics may be more bothersome to you today than anyone else’s fickle behavior. The good news is that everyone seems to be changing their minds as quickly as you are now. The bad news, however, is that it can be difficult to pin anyone down to specifics when it comes to relationship matters. Exploring your options is healthy as long as you don’t commit to anything you might later regret.

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

If you have been keeping up with your recent responsibilities, then relax, hit the reset button and recharge your emotional batteries today. Doing something special with a loved one or even just hanging out on your own can bring blissful satisfaction. But you are more restless than usual and could also start a few projects just to occupy your mind. Keep your priorities straight and remember that it’s time to listen to your heart.

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may grow anxious at work today because you want to begin your weekend as soon as possible. You are looking forward to some exciting activities now, but have a few non-negotiable domestic chores to finish before you cut loose to enjoy yourself. Try not to let your anticipation of the future get in the way of your current efficiency or you will have even more to do before the fun can start.

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Expressing your feelings can be challenging when language falls short of describing the richness of your imagination. However, the right words come to you just in the nick of time today, increasing your confidence that you can get your message across. But it’s not about rambling on aimlessly; state your point succinctly and then step back to let the other person respond. Remember, communication is a two-way street.

Your Love Horoscopes for the Weekend of June 15 – 17

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

 

Picking up the Pace

June 15 – 17

Friday is the best day to chill with the Moon hanging out in easygoing Taurus. Simple activities create a sense of calm that makes everyone feel comfortable. Sticking to familiar places and faces reduces stress, yet the price paid is a lack of stimulation. However, stubborn resistance to new experiences and dealing with difficult emotions might prevent relationships from moving forward.

Mobility increases considerably on Saturday night when the Moon dances into flirty Gemini. It’s as if most of the evening continues the slow, Taurus, relaxed pace until suddenly the energy changes into a more playful, curious and dynamic time. The late night lunar shift into flighty Gemini arouses feelings of restlessness and inspires conversations with all sorts of people on every conceivable subject. Words flow freely now without too much concern about facts or consistency, so take what is said from someone new with a giant grain of salt.

Talking into the wee hours of the morning is likely to get Sunday off to a late start, but it’s best to have a wide-open schedule, anyway. The curious Gemini Moon doesn’t like to follow a plan, making this an ideal day for practicing spontaneity. A short trip and some casual shopping are a couple of fun ways to play. Plenty of phone calls and online communications are likely with the evocative Moon’s presence in this highly conversational sign. Indulging in a little bedtime reading is a perfect way to end the night

The Daily Cosmic Calendar for June 15

Here’s another gift from the gods and goddesses who run the show from the invisible universe. The Moon continues its exalted march through earthy Taurus. Planting and growing your favorite flowers, herbs and vegetables makes sense with the Moon in this resourceful sign.  In addition, the lunar orb makes a supportive, 60-degree link to the healing-comet known as Chiron (5:12AM PDT). Shortly thereafter, the Moon and Venus link-up in a subtle and yet still substantial, 30-degree rapport (6:23AM PDT).  Of course, if conducting business as an expert is your cup of tea, then today’s lunar transit in Taurus can also be rewarding and a delight. Discover new ways to amplify your investments and pad your bank account. Giving you an intellectual boost is a supportive, 60-degree tie from the Moon to Mercury (5:01PM PDT).  If you have a lot of tasks and errands on your to-do list, it may be better to accomplish them today than tomorrow as Saturday contains a long stretch of void lunar vibrations. Have an impromptu party at your place tonight or attend a play, poetry recital or film debut.