the daily humorscopes for friday, june 22

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 22, 2012

 

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A friend will ask you for help, but you should turn them down, silently, with a sad little shake of your head. When they ask what’s wrong, sigh deeply, and mutter “nothing, it’s nothing.”

 

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

 

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

You will receive a painful bonk on the head, today, while riding the bus downtown. It’s your own fault, though, for sitting in front of that trombone player.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Good day to make sure you are prepared for a big earthquake. Get bottled water, a first-aid kit, canned food, flashlights, transistor radio, sturdy hiking boots, and a feather boa.

 

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

Hide.

 

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!

 

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.

 

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

Rhubarb pie is the only antidote for your ailment. Trust me on this one. Also, someone’s been teasing your cat.

 

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Your neighbours will have a wild party, which you’ll catch glimpses of through the open window. You’ll know you shouldn’t watch, but it’s just hard to imagine how people can do that, especially on a trampoline.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

 

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

 

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Leek soup day, today. Despite your recent tendency towards shoplifting vegetables, I highly recommend you buy a leek, not take one.

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your butler will return to work today, and pretend as if nothing had happened. It’s time for you to compromise, and give up those new argyles. It’s for the best, in the long run.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. Of course, where you’re actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinocerous is another matter.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A person of Irish descent will attempt to sell you something you don’t especially want, today. Strive to turn the conversation to Tilapia (a type of freshwater fish) — you’ll find it’s his new hobby.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
A large cement dragon will appear to be following you, although you’ll never actually see it move. Don’t you just hate that?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Time to develop new friendships, and possibly to get a new hair style. Personally, I’m working on the “wacky inventor” hair style, in which I wash my hair at night and go to bed with it still damp. It’s not a look for everyone, however.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover proof that Sports Utility Vehicles are tangible evidence of Evil. Sadly, others will fail to heed your warnings.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It will irritate you that nobody you meet any more has a “normal” name. Everyone is a “Darius”, or a “Baxter”, or a “Kyle”. Just to be ornery, you will change your name to “Xnarp”.

the daily humorscopes for friday, november 11th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, November 11, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
In a surprising twist, the failure of another large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est la vie, non?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be in a somewhat ornery mood when you go out to an Italian restaurant tonight. You will insist on chopsticks.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bring extra. You’ll need it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day to be expansive and benevolent. It will make people worry.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will begin a spiritual journey. The karmic chaos which has surrounded you begins to settle into a new pattern. Also, you will become strangely fascinated by electric juicers.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ve just finished something, but you’re starting to wonder if it would be better if you tried it another way. Forget it — that way, madness lies.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone will stare at you like deer in headlights this week at the office. Actually, you will later decide that driving your car around inside the office may not be your best-ever idea.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will ask “How are you?” for the millionth time. You should celebrate the occasion by having a speech prepared – something embarassingly intimate is usually best. “Glad you asked, Bob. I’m having a darned tough time getting rid of these pesky genital warts, for one thing…”
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Life is beginning to bet a bit stale, isn’t it? Whenever that happens to me, I concoct some sort of prune-related recipe and send it off to the food editor of the local daily. You might give that a try.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Today you will discover a troupe of gypsies hiding in your bathroom. They will leave when you ask them to, but you should expect a fair amount of grumbling.

the daily humorscopes for friday, september 9th

the daily humorscope 

Friday, September 09, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A very short and hairy person will bother you today. Unfortunately, you will be unable to ignore them, try though you might.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a rather unfortunate episode involving turnips, today. Later, however, you’ll be able to write a killer song about it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your requests are being ignored. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your request, such as “Pick up your socks, dear, or die screaming.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Unknown to you, people think you are a wimp – just because of your weak handshake. You need to get one of those hand exercisers, and use it constantly for a few months. Then, crush their little hands into pulp!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn’t it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will receive a “Dear John” letter from a loved one today, but much to your relief, your name isn’t “John”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time for you to reconsider your choice of employment. Are you working towards a specific goal, or are you merely drifting? Are you temperamentally suited to your current career? Remember: money isn’t everything. It could well be that you’d be much happier in a job where you could dress up as a giant chicken. In fact, in your case, that’s virtually certain.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 18

the daily humorscope

Thursday, August 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that’s what it will seem like — sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me”. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today is the 1,750,000-year anniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 8

the daily humorscope 

 

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you’ll simply get used to it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?