the daily humorscope
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)