the daily humorscope

 

Saturday, December 31, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An eldrich fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man will be passing by when you suddenly recall a hilarious Monty Python skit, and you’ll burst out laughing. Later, you’ll notice him anxiously looking at himself in a mirror.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Potato awareness day, today. Potatoes have had a tremendous influence on society, since their introduction into Western culture. Just think, for instance, of their effect on Dan Quayle’s career!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will discover that you can amuse your friends by pretending that your hand is a tsetse fly, and “walking” it along the table. Your friends are easily amused, as it turns out.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me.” Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage.” The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to start setting higher goals. Don’t get stuff to make a salad and then let it rot in the fridge. Get stuff to make several salads, and start your own compost pile!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Excellent day for light conversation. Good starting points might be “Have you ever thought much about death?” or “Where’s the strangest place you ever had sex?.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today assa a joke, you willa make fun ofa how somebody talk. You willa get beata up.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Absolutely marvelous day to complain, grumble, gripe, or whine. Remember: if you’re going to do something, do it well.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will develop a strange fascination with steamed vegetables. Which is OK. Much better than, say, an enthusiasm for steamed toast. (Whenever someone asks me what kind of toast I want, I always say “To Friends, Old and New!”)

the daily humorscopes for wednesday,november 9th

the daily humorscope 

Wednesday, November 09, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to appreciate the beauty and wonder of life, and to see how far you can spit. Other people may find that incongrous, but you’ll see the inner truth, and it will set you free.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will be driven into a panic today by the thought that you will live to see music by Oingo Boingo referred to as “classic” rock. Believe me, that’s not nearly as strange as clothing trends will be, such as the “big elbow” look.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will rush around in a tizzy. It will be sort of fun, actually, since the tizzy handles well, and has more than enough power to make an exciting ride.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me”. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You may have to share a hotel room with a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip to keep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punch it really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up, Mr. Teddy! Shut up!”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Avoid friends who’ve had sudden personality changes, today. And always watch the skies.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to become involved in a secret plot to overthrow someone or something. Personally, I think your best bet is to start small. You can pick up some tips in “Overthrowing Things For Fun And Profit” by Kwan No, M.D., Ph.D.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, august 18

the daily humorscope

Thursday, August 18, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that’s what it will seem like — sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will believe a completely rediculous hoax about a computer virus today, and everyone will tease you mercilessly.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware! The Celestial Jade Emperor may banish you to the Big Grumpy Place if you don’t start paying more attention to the four Winds. Obviously, this is a metaphor, somehow involving Cleveland.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
An eldritch fiend will hover at the edge of your sight, tonight, as you look out your window. Not a particularly good day for a midnight stroll.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Dorothy Parker once said “if you can’t say anything nice, come sit next to me”. Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today is the 1,750,000-year anniversary of the invention of hand tools! (The original hand tool was the Oldovan Chopper, commonly made of chipped flint, and originally sold under the Sears Craftsman label.) Celebrate by getting out there and banging some rocks together!
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “catches horrible disfiguring disease” and “loses everything in major earthquake”. I guess you can pick whichever one you want, in this case.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You’ve been getting tired of the same old “look”, day after day. Maybe you should get a tattoo? I’ll bet people with tattoos never get tired of ’em!
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, May 9