the daily humorscopes for monday, may 21

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 21, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to let your imagination soar. Tomorrow: imagining you’re sore.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom plunger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will become embroiled in a serious dispute about food. Feelings will be hurt. Bygones will eventually be bygones, but not until you ease off on the Tabasco.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will inherit millions, along with a rather elderly butler named Hodgson. You’ll have a nice time.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been a little down lately, and it’s time to snap out of it! You’ve got to smell the roses while there’s time, since you’re not going to live forever. Which is good, since you’re already seeing hair in funny places…

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 20

the daily humorscopes

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will hear a strange flapping sound today. Glancing outside, you will see a precision drill team marching by wearing scuba flippers and waving feather dusters. Avoid eye contact. Stay indoors.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to get involved in one or more conspiracies. If you can hold secret meetings in darkened rooms, so much the better!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Beware of Doug.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Late in the day today you will notice that people seem to be staring at your nose. Don’t worry. It’s probably nothing.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will get a postcard from the Forbidden City today, containing some very unsettling news. You won’t realize that, of course, since it will be written in a language you don’t understand.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarrassing, but often clear up on their own.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You need to be a bit more brusque, to cut down on your interruptions. Stay just this side of gruff, however – and make sure you don’t stray into crustiness.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attempt to single-handedly bring the “Spaghetti Western” back from obscurity. Your first film will be “A Fistful of Noodles”, in which an aging Clint Eastwood rides into town. This time, however, he will resolve the differences between the Baxters and the Rojos by inviting them all over for a nice pasta dinner.

Daily Horoscopes for Friday, May 18

We may actually have time to take a few deep breaths and relax today as the Moon enters bucolic Taurus at 6:03 am EDT. Although we might want to accomplish a lot now, it’s difficult to shift into gear with six planets in solid Earth signs. The lack of momentum means an early start to a lazy weekend as indicated by the Moon’s harmonious trines to Mars and Pluto. However, the pace picks up noticeably by Sunday evening’s New Moon Solar Eclipse.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You are building your case to justify something you intend to do, but this rationalization may be more about convincing yourself than anyone else. Think about what you’re taking for granted before reconsidering your assumptions. You might need to change your mind, even if you are certain that you’re right. It’s crucial to establish an enduring foundation for your beliefs before you are too far along in your plans.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are under steady pressure to change, but you will grow stronger by resisting on specific points. You may believe that others are judging you unfairly, yet you seem to take it all in stride. However, you could grow weary from the stress because you must pay attention to every single move you make. Try not to get too frustrated if your progress is stymied. It’s better to take small steps than none at all.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

The intensity of your daily routine continues to settle now, but even if you act as if you’re doing great, things may not be as pleasant as you prefer. You may feel restless because you want more variety and excitement in your life. If your need for mental stimulation isn’t being met, then something must change. Bide your time for a few more days; the energy will shift in a positive direction next week.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

You have been running hot and cold lately, challenging you to find a happy medium between the extremes. Even if you attempt to smooth things out today, it still may feel like you’re bouncing back and forth between optimism and pessimism. Thankfully, the pragmatic Taurus Moon gives you the common sense to move beyond your clever words. Remember, if you don’t push so hard now, you won’t have to retreat as far.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

It may be easier for you to reach your goals today if you are more realistic about them. Fortunately, your concentration seems to take you further than usual now, enabling you to make a lot of progress. Ultimately, you don’t need to pull any rabbits out of magical hats; you have a good chance of touching the stars if you just keep your feet on the ground.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You may discover an opportunity to embark on a special trip, an extended holiday or just a weekend getaway now with four planets in your 9th House of Travel. Don’t let this opportunity pass. Daydream about your vacation today; don’t even try to hide your vision. Just bring an unconventional scheme out into the open, and the rewards might follow quicker than you expect.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You can be pulled into someone’s drama now before you even realize what happened. Although you probably have plenty of complications in your life, there may be a few more yet to handle. Even if there’s a storm brewing around you, the good news is that you’re feeling more centered. Don’t be tricked into thinking that you will lose a chance at success unless you act decisively right away. The truth is that even the smallest steps can lead to major improvements.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You are like a participant in a relay race now, trying to maintain a steady pace. You are finished with one cycle yet the next one hasn’t yet started. If you aren’t willing to let go of the baton, you will be stuck doing the same old thing. Fortunately, your teammates are more stable than you think and handing off responsibilities to them is a smart strategy.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Attention to endless minutiae can make you crazy as the practical Taurus Moon joins three other planets in your 6th House of Efficiency. However, demands are being made on you to pay additional attention to things so tiny that you’re sure there’s a conspiracy afoot. You would like to demonstrate how good you are at managing the big picture and prefer to ignore the details. Balance is your key to success today, so keep one eye on the greater whole and the other on the specifics.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Endings and beginnings go hand in hand, but sometimes the timing is off. Unfortunately, you may already be champing at the bit, yet another set of obstacles prevents you from reaching your destination. Instead of bolting ahead, take the time to methodically finish up the old business in your life so you are completely free to step into the new creative cycle starting next week.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your focus is on domestic affairs this weekend, and you’re likely to spend more time at home and with your family. You might even get drawn into activities without being formally asked. Your boundaries aren’t as firm as they usually are today, leaving you more susceptible to the whims of those you love. Although you may not know exactly the best way to move forward, the wisdom will come to you just in the nick of time.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You don’t want to have any secrets now. Whatever it is that you’ve been holding within your heart, it’s time to open up. Receive the love, while remembering that the potential for hurt arrives at the same time. Ultimately, you can make the best of a difficult situation if you’re willing to share the wide range of feelings that you’re experiencing.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Your Lunar Love Horoscopes for the Weekend of May 18 – 20

Weekend Love: Lunar Love

by Jeff Jawer

Comfort … and Confusion

May 18 – 20

This might turn out to be a lost weekend capped off by the disorientating wake-up call of a Gemini Solar Eclipse on Sunday evening. It starts out reasonably enough with the Moon’s presence in earthy Taurus on Friday. Partaking in physical comforts like delicious food and drink, gentle massage and sensual movement can produce a welcoming atmosphere for drama-free romance.

This indulgent pattern continues on Saturday with the lunar transit through Taurus giving you the chance to slow down and enjoy life’s many pleasures. Nature is especially alluring as beautiful sights and sweet smells arouse primal desires. Keep things simple with a leisurely schedule to create the trust and tranquility that encourage romance. Cooking a tasty meal with someone is a delightful way to tap into the easygoing joy of the laid-back Taurus Moon.

Yet even the most delectable experiences can seem to fade quickly with Sunday’s Solar Eclipse. The Sun enters jittery Gemini in the morning, followed by the Moon in the early evening. These two great lights in the sky then hook up in this easily distracted sign, producing the flighty Gemini New Moon and, in this case, also a Solar Eclipse. This is both a beginning and an end when you can find yourself standing on the edge of a metaphorical cliff that makes it hard to return to the past, yet you may not be ready to make a serious decision about the future. Let the dust settle before you choose your next step.

the daily humorscopes for friday, may 18th

the daily humorscope

Friday, May 18, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will become a card-carrying member of a new and very exclusive organization named “Yeomen of the Carbuncle”, although you’ll spend a lot of time at the first meeting debating whether it should actually be called “Yeopersons of the Carbuncle.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Unbeknownst to thee, thou art over-fond of archaic terms. Prithee, wouldst thou kindly desist?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organisation today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family”. Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

As a joke, you should put an 8-foot-tall mucous-covered “egg” in your friend’s basement. Then, when he or she goes down to do a load of laundry…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Soon, through no fault of your own, you will catch someone underlining words in a library book. It’s just one of those signs, you know? Before the Apocalypse.

Your Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 18th

Finally, after the Sturm und Drang of the last two days – concerning solar and planetary mischief-making – the cosmos calms down considerably. Stress and strain are almost nowhere to be found – except for the fact that the 15 or so sky patterns that caused the ruckus are still reverberating with echoes of their former selves in the shadow regions of our collective consciousness. In the meantime, the void Aries Moon that began yesterday is eliminated at 3:04AM PDT when the Moon reaches the sign of its exaltation – Taurus. Tend to your garden while also enjoying cooking, baking and other natural hobbies that please the senses. Get back into your exercise routines with a flourish. Your intuition concerning investment planning may be right on the money since the Moon approaches its monthly union with Vesta (forming precisely at 7:51PM PDT). Communication channels appear to be clearer than usual – thanks to the Moon in parallel to Mercury (7:28PM PDT). Mercury is also moving at its top speed – over 2 degrees per day – and this quick movement by the ancient Messenger of the Gods will last until June 7. Mercury with wings equates with a more rapid-thought process and urge to speak your mind with authority. Topping off the day is a vitality-booster (physically and emotionally) as the Moon trines Pluto (9:47PM PDT) and Mars (11:33PM PDT). These two lunar aspects actually create a temporary grand triangle in earth signs involving the Moon, Mars and Pluto. Be prepared for a mega-dose of cosmic energy happening this weekend as the Sun opposes Juno (tomorrow) and an Annular Solar Eclipse occurs on Sunday.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, may 17th

the daily humorscope

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will find that if you deliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot of questions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will stack furniture in the bathtub, today. That’s just the sort of thing you would do, your friends will say.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitable candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Work has been stressful for you lately, and you’re not likely to see much change for the better unless you take matters into your own hands. This is a situation that calls for subtle guerilla tactics. Your best bet is to get up really early, and bake fresh cinnamon rolls to bring to work. Studies show that it’s really, really hard to dislike someone who gives you a fresh homemade cinnamon roll. Career advancement never tasted so good!

Your Horoscope Health Advisory

by Annie B. Bond

Every sun-sign of the zodiac has health issues that are associated with it. Best to have a heads-up!

By taking special care of yourself and your possible trouble-areas now, you clear the way for better overall health. (A note from Cait: I just recovered from a nasty kidney infection after ignoring the symptoms for awhile. If only I’d read this great little book earlier: kidney problems are often associated with my sign. Now I know to pay better attention!)

Use that ounce of prevention: get your sun-sign health advisory right here:

Aries, March 21-April 19: Fevers, inflammatory complaints, wounds, accidents.

Taurus, April 20-May 21: Weakness in the throat or neck, congestion in the chest, afflictions arising from diet.

Gemini, May 22-June 20: Afflictions of the shoulders, lungs and chest; biliousness, nervous debility, nervous diseases.

Cancer, June 21-July 22: Chest injuries, bronchitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, diseases of the stomach, particularly those associated with worry.

Leo, July 23- Aug 22: Injuries to the heart, eyes, back, and spine; weakness of the heart, angina, spinal afflictions, lumbago, eye diseases.

Virgo, Aug 23-Sept 22: Ailments of the abdomen and intestines, digestive debility.

Libra, Sept 23-Oct 22: Kidney stones, sciatica, eczema, skin eruptions, kidney disease, nephritis, lumbago, worry, overstrained nerves.

Scorpio, Oct 23-Nov 21: All ailments of the genitals, bladder and rectum, inflammations, nervous ills, worry, mental stress.

Sagittarius, Nov 22-Dec 21: Rheumatism or arthritis in the hips, thighs, and lower limbs; sciatica, sprains, hip dislocation, fracture of the thighs; nervous disorders, lung and throat afflictions, bronchitis, high blood pressure.

Capricorn, Dec 22-Jan 19: Childhood ills, illness and injury that affects the knees, skin diseases, chills, arthritis, toothache, earache, migraine and headache, depression, anxiety neurosis, mood swings.

Aquarius, Jan 20-Feb 18: Weakness and injury affecting the ankles, depression, anxiety, nervous disorders, spasms, paralysis, convulsive disorders, broken bones, poor circulation, varicose veins, rheumatism, electric shocks, danger from lightning.

Pisces, Feb 19-March 20: Injury and ailments concerning the feet, chills, dropsy, malfunctioning liver, infectious diseases.

Your Daily Horoscopes for May 16th

Our willpower is intense and our stamina strong as energetic Mars harmonizes with relentless Pluto today. We need this deep reserve of power now because the impulsive Aries Moon triggers quick reactions, but without the follow-through needed to finish what we start. Nevertheless, we still may grow discouraged when we realize that we won’t reach our goals overnight as confident Jupiter runs into an irritating quincunx with taskmaster Saturn.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

The Moon’s current visit to your active sign pushes you through some pretty bumpy territory today, but you’re capable of standing up to whatever challenges come your way. Handling the obstacles in your path requires hard work, yet you probably won’t feel depleted now even if you put out a lot of energy. But your good intentions won’t likely be enough; pace yourself and don’t quit, even if you face a minor setback along the way.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

Your determination comes in handy today as you try to remedy a complex situation that has created its share of stress. Although you might not be able to put everything back together right away, don’t give up. Steer clear of taking a shortcut; temporary patches and quick fixes are not a smart idea. A little extra persistence will help you find a positive solution to the problem.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You aren’t eager to stand up to a powerful person now and even just thinking about a confrontation makes you anxious. Luckily, the process should go more smoothly once you start a constructive conversation. Don’t freeze under pressure; you can outmaneuver nearly anyone if you remain mentally agile. If you are willing to learn from your opponent today, you will probably end up getting exactly what you need from the interaction.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

Someone’s bad behavior doesn’t have to be a showstopper if you nip the problem in the bud. However, your plan could backfire if you try to suppress the expression of fear or anger. The smartest way to respond to this tricky situation now is to engage the other person by showing genuine concern and asking probing questions. Once you understand what’s happening, you can deal with the tension out in the open instead of shadowboxing with a hidden enemy.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Concerns about self-worth and net worth are more intertwined than you might think. Thankfully, you may feel quite optimistic because you’re in touch with the power of your emotions today. This is a good time to close a sale or ask for a raise, since your confidence inspires others. If your current actions are supported by your job performance, you are likely to get the money that you want out of the deal.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You are feeling special today, but relationships may be so intense now that life seems a bit overwhelming. You are tempted to go overboard by demonstrating your partnering skills because you want to give a special someone a show that he or she won’t forget. Luckily, the results could be extremely rewarding as long as you don’t lose sight of your purpose. If you put too much effort into appearing unrealistically perfect, others might walk away. Simply being yourself is your best strategy.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Maintaining your concentration is nearly impossible today if your curiosity is aroused. It’s difficult to ignore the information that is coming your way now because you realize its significance. However, you might be so sure of yourself that new facts won’t change your mind. Even if you think that you know what to do, remain open to the possibility of changing your mind.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

You may be in a positive state of mind because your plans are unfolding on schedule now. But something is gnawing away at the edges of your awareness, no matter how upbeat you are feeling. Instead of attempting to ignore your pangs of uncertainty, explore the origins of your current doubts. Expand your thinking to integrate your fears; once you adjust to the new landscape, you should be able to navigate around the shadows of your subconscious without being afraid of the dark.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Expressing your feelings today might heat things up more than you expect, so it’s a good idea to proceed slowly. Unfortunately, suppressing your ideas adds tension to your relationships with co-workers. Although it may be challenging to strike a manageable balance between your optimism and your pessimism now, don’t give up. Do your best to keep communication channels open even if there’s no obvious resolution in sight.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

You may be in a very expressive mood today, but what you’re saying isn’t easy for everyone to hear. Your uncharacteristic emotional intensity can surprise others and set them off balance. Yet, you aren’t interested in lighthearted banter; you want to go deep. Don’t waste your energy getting angry with someone who won’t match your serious attitude. Instead of trying to change anyone; observe your feelings and work to transform them in a positive manner.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You may grow restless today, especially if loved ones are being so nice to you that it makes you feel uncomfortable. Other people’s pleasantries might even seem like a sign of weakness. But don’t mistakenly harden your position now just to demonstrate your strength. Practice being strong and yielding at the same time, instead. Staying flexible in thought helps you move through your day with grace and gratitude.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may be motivated by a co-worker or partner who seems to have all the answers today. Fortunately, competent peers help you be more productive now, but that isn’t a reason to give up your power to others. Instead look at the role you play in your own success, even if you are just one member on a team. Working with amazing people doesn’t have to rob you of your self-esteem if you’re willing to acknowledge your valuable contribution to the group effort.

Your Daily Love & Romance Horoscopes for May 16th

Aries

Today marks a turning point with Venus, planet of love turning retrograde in your communication sector, spending the next 73 days working to give your heart and unsaid words a voice. While other more practical forces will soon focus on opening the communication lines in general, Venus is more focused on your relationships.

Taurus

It was just over a month ago that Mars, planet of passion turned direct in your romantic sector, ending his retrograde phase but today Venus, planet of love turns retrograde. With the path to second chances already clearly marked, but with your romantic passions now directed to the future, this gives you the best of both worlds, with the door open to second chances and new beginnings.

Gemini

Today represents both a turning point on the romantic front, but also a reinforcement of something already in play. With Saturn in retrograde motion in your romantic sector since February you’re already on a trip down love’s memory lane but as Venus, planet of love turns retrograde in your sign the focus on the past intensifies.

Cancer

On the same day that Venus, planet of love turns retrograde in an already nostalgic part of your chart, you have the right amount of support and pressure on the communication front. While there may be some communication challenges, it’s on the relationship front that there is a chance for a breakthrough and for some healing.

Leo

Even though it may appear that nothing much is happening on the romantic front, what is building beneath the surface and behind the scenes is due to come to a head during a lunar eclipse in your romantic sector early next month. Until then choose to see love as a journey rather than a race to the finishing line.

Virgo

Just as you reach what should be a high pressure time on the relationship front, you’re likely to find that while the pressure is there that the anticipated reactions aren’t. For just as relationship pressure begins to peak support floods in from Pluto in your romantic sector, giving you the confidence to see this as the opportunity it is.

Libra

A week to the day since Mercury left your relationship sector, wrapping up an active 3 months on the relationship front, the Moon returns in what is a case of perfect timing. You’ve had a week to let things settle but it hasn’t been so long that you’ve forgotten what you’re striving for, with a chance today to tap back into what really matters.

Scorpio

While there may be some tension in the air today with Venus, planet of love turning retrograde in a passionate part of your chart, there is also an opportunity for a change of heart or for second chances. The love gods are battling for your attention, with romantic and relationship forces fighting to be heard, with a need to slow down and stay in the moment.

Sagittarius

The love gods are out in full today for just as Venus, planet of love turns retrograde in your relationship sector the Moon returns to your romantic sector, ensuring that you have an intuitive read on your heart as the tide turns. As Venus opens the door to second chances on the relationship front the spirit of romance is alive and well.

Capricorn

It was just a week ago today that Mercury, planet of communication returned to your romantic sector and for the first time since 2000 encountered Jupiter, planet of luck. You’re now in the end game in terms of turning romantic desires into reality or at least putting love on the right path, with a need to believe in love and in yourself.

Aquarius

Today represents a real turning point on the romantic front, one of many you’ll encounter over the coming weeks. It’s today that Venus, planet of love turns retrograde, beginning a 73 day trip down love’s memory lane that will open the door to second chances and a chance to make up for lost time.

Pisces

Mars, planet of passion and the warrior planet of the cosmos finds himself in a curious situation today. Coming into his own in your relationship sector he’s coming under pressure, creating some relationship tension, but within that tension is a sense that this creates an opportunity for a breakthrough, with some real healing and resolution possible.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, may 16th

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to dig a very big hole. If you pile the dirt up around the sides, and make huge “paw prints” around it, you can have some fun by phoning a TV station and telling them about the gigantic gopher you saw.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will take a wrong turn, today, and become hopelessly lost. Eventually you will start a new life in Minnesota, along with all the other people who have little sense of direction. It’ll be ok, providing you like tuna casserole.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will be struck by the notion that “Life is like one of those little cars that the Shriners get to drive.” You have a mind of great depth and profundity.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Nothing ventured, nothing gained, is the rule for now. In fact, “nothing” will play a very large part in your future.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will find a bumper sticker that truly defines your sentiments. It will say “Buy More Socks!”.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to start on your trophy collection! (You can have them made for yourself, you know.) Personally, I’ve won the “International Tiddly Wink Open” three years running.

Your Daily Romance Horoscopes for May 15th

Aries

During her last full day in direct motion Venus is working to ensure that your heart has a voice, but also that you are staying in the moment. At a standstill Venus is no longer moving forward, but not due to turn retrograde until tomorrow she’s not retracing her steps either, with the here and now the only thing you can focus on.

Taurus

In her last full day in direct motion Venus, planet of love and romance has come to a complete stop, giving you a chance to stay in the moment. This allows you to look out over the next few months in a way that doesn’t require action and chances are you’ll like what you see, even if you can’t explain a buoyant sense of romantic confidence.

Gemini

This is a day for staying in the moment and when it comes to your heart and all things romantic, to hold onto the stillness of the moment. At a standstill ahead of her retrograde turn in your sign tomorrow Venus is neither moving forward or moving backwards, creating a stillness around your heart that allows you to get inside what you really feel and want.

Cancer

A very busy and active 3 months on the professional front only ended last week and chances are you’re still working to recover the right work/life balance. This is something that will happen naturally and with the door to the past already open on the relationship front and about to open on the romantic front, it’s never too late to make up for lost time.

Leo

The Moon’s visit to your relationship sector over the weekend may have evoked some seemingly contradictory responses, yet there is no right or wrong. There will always be too realities, one the fantasy of what could be and the other the harsh reality checks, with a need to favour neither but instead work on finding a middle ground between the two.

Virgo

As Mars, planet of passion draws closer to an opposition with Chiron, planet of healing in your relationship sector, the more you’re likely to feel personal and relationship pressure building. Yet this is the last hurdle you’ll have to cross and with the Moon in your relationship sector you’re able to get to the bottom of what’s pushing your buttons and why.

Libra

When Mercury, planet of communication left your relationship sector last week he wrapped up an active and defining 3 months on the relationship front, to a point where what you see now is what you’ll get. It’s where Mercury spent time helping you to open the communication lines that you need to take over, ensuring the ball isn’t dropped.

Scorpio

Having the Moon in your romantic sector in what is a powerful and important relationship week gives you a chance to keep things in perspective. While there may be some pressure or tension, it’s more a case that the healing process is underway, for if you can’t feel you can’t heal. Stay in the moment as much as possible.

Sagittarius

As Venus, planet of love spends her last full day in direct motion in your relationship sector this puts you in a bit of a no man’s land. At a standstill Venus is no longer moving forward, but because she hasn’t turned retrograde yet she’s not moving backwards either. Forget where you’ve been or where you’re going and stay in the moment.

Capricorn

With the Sun just 6 days away from leaving your romantic sector and Mercury spending his first, last and only full week here, there is a new sense of urgency, as you sense that where you once had plenty of time that this has changed. It’s time to open your eyes to what you want from love, to where you need to take responsibility and work to give your heart a voice.

Aquarius

There is a sense of stillness surrounding your heart today that needs to be protected at all costs, by staying in the moment. Venus, planet of love is at a standstill ahead of her retrograde turn in your romantic sector tomorrow, but no longer moving forward but having not yet turned back, everything is in suspended animation today.

Pisces

Instead of moving into your romantic sector, as she should have by now Venus, planet of love has come to a standstill ahead of her U turn tomorrow. While she won’t now return until August the romantic conditions will be much better then, as well as buying you extra time now to focus on your relationships

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, may 15th

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Strange things continue to happen. Today you will put on a long-sleeved shirt, only to discover that the sleeves now extend past your fingertips. You didn’t say anything inappropriate to an elderly British gentleman with strange green eyes, recently? Let’s hope not.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Musical inspiration will strike you today, and you’ll invent some sort of new instrument that looks like a Hoover vacuum bag with a few bits of odd plumbing sticking out of it. The good thing is, the instrument will rivet people’s attention to such a degree that you can indulge your tendency towards cross-dressing without anyone noticing!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will begin making strange facial expressions, completely unconsciously, in which you push your lips out as far as possible. Also, you will begin spending hours staring at tropical fish.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to wear WAY too much cologne. Well actually, that’s generally not a problem for people who wear cologne. Usually, they have no sense of smell. (Oh come on – you think they’d do that on purpose??)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will finally begin your novel! This is very good, since if you’d decided to write a screen play, you would have had to move to California and drive a taxi.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will be struck by an odd thought. It will do little actual damage, fortunately.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Your plans to take over the world move forward to the next stage, soon, right on schedule. What you need now is a hunch-backed henchperson with pale protruding eyes. Fortunately for you, a suitible candidate will soon show up at your door, dressed as a peanut.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good day to use the expression “just dandy” as much as possible. Tomorrow: “okey dokey” day.

the daily humorscopes for monday, may 14th

the daily humorscope

Monday, May 14, 2012

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will put your foot down, regarding your turn at dinner preparation versus dining out. In other words, “if you ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

People will begin complimenting you on how clean you are. You will find this strangely irritating.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will realize that you’ve always wanted to have the biggest ball of string in town, and will start collecting odd bits of string at every opportunity. Eventually, you will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records, right next to the Giant Happy Tape Ball record set by Mr. S. Boondoggle.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to make strange mouth noises, particularly in a crowded elevator.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Sunday, May 13th

This is an uplifting day that can bring us joy as the Sun hooks up with bountiful Jupiter in sensual Taurus. This alignment symbolizes the opportunities we have for happiness, and the confidence that we’ll find satisfaction. Meanwhile, the Moon enters imaginative Pisces at 7:41 am EDT and joins dreamy Neptune, making fantasies seem real. Putting our thoughts into motion is further supported by clever Mercury’s harmonious trine to energetic Mars.

Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You feel as if everything is going your way today, but you might end up spending more resources than you expect. It’s as if you’re ready to pay the price to have a good time, but you might underestimate the cost. Thankfully, you can rely on your analytical skills to help you navigate through a day of potential excess. Have fun; just remember that the bill will come due once the party is over.

Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You are feeling quite positive now with the Sun-Jupiter conjunction expanding your horizons and empowering you to soar on the wings of your unrestrained optimism. Although you are ready to enjoy yourself today, overindulging your senses could mean a tummy ache or a splitting head tomorrow. Nevertheless, paying attention to your limits doesn’t have to lessen your enjoyment. Play hard without going too far.

Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You can get by today by doing less work than usual. It’s as if a guardian angel is watching over you, or, perhaps, a close friend comes to your aid just when you need it most. Of course, your positive attitude doesn’t hurt; in fact, self-confidence is a magnet now that attracts good things your way. Don’t second-guess someone’s motives; just graciously accept what is offered with an open heart.

Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

There’s no need to head off on your own today. In fact, it’s a good idea to surround yourself with friends and family — the more people, the merrier. Being part of group gives you a feeling of belonging to a community or a tribe of like-minded folks. Don’t be afraid to open your heart to the love that’s around you, for whatever you give will return to you many times over.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Although you may be thinking about your professional objectives, you’re not interested in working too hard to reach your goals today. Your confidence is running high and you might even feel as if success is owed to you because of past efforts. Don’t be too cocky or you could inadvertently push away those who want to help you reach your goals. Paradoxically, a little humility goes a long way toward ensuring that you will receive the respect that you deserve.

Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Today you can concentrate your intentions toward the fulfillment of your desires. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you’ll receive everything you want. However, your singular focus can actually bring an increase of abundance — including love — into your life. Don’t miss this opportunity to learn and grow. Take advantage of what life has to offer before it’s too late.

Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

You may feel that a long-term phase of inner growth is coming to an end. The power of your positive thinking can be transformed into rewarding action now. Your rich fantasy life turns outward toward social activities as your needs begin to shift. Get ready to swing into action, but don’t overextend your commitments or you’ll quickly regret taking on too much.

Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

All types of relationships are favored now and it might even seem as if others just want to make you happy. Although you may question someone else’s motives, your suspicions are probably unfounded. Rather than doubting anyone’s integrity, just accept the advice or assistance you receive with appreciation. But don’t succumb to the temptation of expecting more than is actually offered or you’ll end up being disappointed rather than happily surprised with the good news.

Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Too much of a good thing isn’t always such a good thing. You need to remember now that honoring reasonable limits can help you find satisfaction. You might be carried away by circumstances that start out feeling pleasurable until things grow out of control. Don’t be afraid to enjoy yourself, but keep in mind that excessive indulgence could ultimately bring pain instead of pleasure.

Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Although your creativity is running high, it’s still difficult to plot a new course of action because there are so many possibilities available. Additionally, if everything is working well enough on its own, you may not want to jeopardize your sense of well-being. Practicality will ultimately rule the roost. Opportunities for personal growth and self-expression are everywhere, but setting priorities enables you to maximize the current potential. Trust your instincts and your chances for success are quite good.

Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You must filter out the extraneous noise if you are to make the most of your day. You may even need to withdraw from social activities to spend time alone. The greatest opportunities arise now when you are at peace with yourself, rather than when you are interacting with others. Don’t be distracted from your inner process; you’ll do best today by working on your own.

Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

The mists continue to swirl around you, clouding your perceptions of the outer world while increasing your reliance on your intuition. You are at the top of your game now when socializing, as long as you don’t waste time trying to logically figure out what to say next. Don’t worry if you’re not making sense. Instead of thinking your way through a situation, speak directly from your heart. The real rewards of the day are emotional and spiritual rather than material.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Sunday, May 13

One of the advantages of reading this calendar on a daily basis is that you can prepare for an upcoming event several days before-hand. In the last couple of days, you have been given the alert that the Sun was getting closer and closer to joining forces with Jupiter. Now that merger becomes a reality at 6:24AM PDT – energizing 24 degrees of Taurus. This occurs less than two hours after the Moon has left a void cycle in Aquarius by entering compassionate and empathic Pisces (4:43AM PDT). The combination of the two largest celestial bodies in the solar system reaching their annual conjunction while the Moon embraces one of Jupiter’s traditional ruling signs (Pisces) indicates that advanced and divine dynamics may be at play. The question is whether mere mortals can harness the fire of the gods and goddesses with the alignments going on right now. Helping you tap into cosmic substance – via the water and fire principles – is the Moon uniting with Neptune (10:25AM PDT) and Mercury forming a flowing trine with Mars (1:55PM PDT). Overall, the universe appears to be offering you great opportunities to take a giant leap forward in your main fields of expertise. Some additional hassles or concerns may appear later on when the Moon makes its monthly opposition to Mars (8:49PM PDT) while Mercury forms a frictional, 45-degree tie with Venus (8:57PM PDT). You should also note that Venus is rapidly slowing down its forward motion in Gemini as it prepares to stop and go into reverse on Tuesday morning May 15. Steep yourself in some of the masterpieces of metaphysics as the Moon unites with Chiron in Pisces (10:30PM PDT) and Mercury approaches a mind-enriching trine to profound Pluto (forming exactly at 1:10AM PDT tomorrow morning).

The Wicca Book of Days for May 11 – Vivacious Venus

The Wicca Book of Days for May 11

Vivacious Venus

As the governing planet of Taurus, Venus’s rulership is now firmly established. The planet Venus is also called the Morning Star, for it is often the first heavenly body to glimmer at dawn, and it was its sparkle that caused the Romans to name it after their Goddess of beauty. Venus’s sigil or symbol, is said to represent either the Goddess’s necklace or her hand mirror; alchemists also used it to denote copper, and it represents the female in biological contexts. Similarly, Venus is said to exude quintessentially feminine traits, such as an addiction to romance and prettiness, as well as soft-heartedness and self-indulgence.

Curative Cooper

You may have noticed people wearing copper bangles. Venus’s metal, copper not only looks attractive, but possesses many healing properties, not least its renowned ability to alleviate arthritic and rheumatic pain. And if you wish to attract love energies, try wearing copper next to your skin.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for Friday, May 11

Ready, set, go! Inspirations can be flying fast and furiously as Mercury makes a contra-parallel with Neptune (5:04AM PDT) followed by an inspirational, 72-degree connection from the radiant Sun to healer-shaman Chiron (7:15AM PDT). Learn more about esoteric philosophy, meditation, ancient ruins, pyramid power, UFOs and ETs under this double-whammy of far-out stellar associations. Check your subconscious to see if Technicolor dreams have been stored from last night or the recent past. Strange forces may be on the prowl later on since Saturn forms a frictional, 135-degree link to Chiron (1:59PM PDT). Both of these celestial bodies are linked to the concepts of right timing – materially (Saturn) and spiritually (Chiron). If twilight zone or deja vu type experiences seem stronger than usual, don’t be surprised. Meanwhile, Aquarius Moon generates interest in group projects, team sports and community events. Revelations can strike concerning your business and investment plans as Mercury unites with Vesta in finance-oriented Taurus (7:38PM PDT). Start gearing up for a potent weekend that highlights the annual union of the two largest celestial bodies – the Sun and Jupiter – happening this year in Taurus on Sunday. The power of positive thinking, a contagious self-confidence and winning smile can take you far during the next 48-hour cosmic thrill-ride.

Daily Cosmic Calendar for May 9 – Golden Opportunities Abound

Golden opportunities are springing up all over the place – thanks to a life-enriching Sun-Jupiter parallel (5:39AM PDT). If you are scratching your head trying to remember what a parallel is, then the key is to realize this is an aspect connected to the Celestial Equator rather than the ecliptic or apparent Sun’s path in the zodiac. Right now – from our vantage point on Earth – the Sun and Jupiter are both inhabiting 17+ degrees north of our Celestial Equator and this is called a parallel. It is similar to a zodiacal union and this Sun-Jupiter extravaganza is actually a stalking horse for this coming Sunday’s actual conjunction of these two celestial bodies at 24 degrees of Taurus. Even though having the two largest cosmic entities in our solar system together is offering up enlightening vibes, Mars is forming a parallel to Ceres (9:03AM PDT), the Moon is making its monthly union with distant, willful Pluto (10:35AM PDT) and Mercury is forming an off-kilter, 150-degree tie to Juno (7:53PM PDT). These three sky patterns are more on the discordant end of the universal spectrum. Throwing your weight around or performing arm-twisting maneuvers on reluctant friends and loved ones may not lead to positive results. Nevertheless, the nurturing presence and gravitas of the Sun converging with Jupiter today – backed up by the Moon in Capricorn in a flowing trine to productivity-enhancer Ceres in Taurus (3:15PM PDT) – can keep you out of trouble and on track to reach important milestones on your exalted professional trajectory.

New Moon Report for May 8th – Mercury in Taurus

Mercury in Taurus

Tuesday, May 8, 10:15 pm PDT, Wednesday, May 9, 1:15 am EDT

The speedy messenger’s presence in this fixed sign slows down thinking and concentrates minds. We can focus on the basics now, helping to put ideas on a more realistic foundation. Mercury in Taurus isn’t the most creative position for this intellectual planet because it’s rooted in facts and eschews fantasy. It may also take additional time to digest new concepts that require thorough chewing before we’re ready to swallow. Trust, though, can be built with down-to-earth conversations that are grounded in simplicity and expressed with clarity. Changing others’ minds is challenging, particularly if people feel pressured to do so. Encountering resistance to new ideas from individuals or in our own minds is best overcome by subtly working around conflict rather than trying to force issues. A calm voice and easygoing approach connects more effectively than heated conversations.

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