A Little Humor for Your Day – Smart Retorts

SMART RETORTS

  • I clean house every other day. Today is the other day! So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
  • Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
  • If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
  • I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
  • My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
  • A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
  • I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
  • If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
  • Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.
  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
  • My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
  • Don’t pick up that mess!!! It’s Saturday…relax and have a great day!
  • Don’t tell me that…I shouldn’t have Arachnophobia? I’ve enjoyed my fear so much and I also have that fear of combustibles…which is such a pleasure for me…it takes a lot of my time so I don’t have to do the things I really need to do or think about anything else…
  • And finally my kitchen is complete, I’ve turned my oven into a flower pot!

anonymous

Oh My Aging Funny Bone

 

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Midmaiden Crisis

Midmaiden Crisis

Author: Deborah Castellano

I’m having a midmaiden crisis.

Sometimes I wonder if I make my life much harder than it has to be. Like, just about everyone else I know seems perfectly contented working a job that is hopefully not soul-sucking 40 hours a week, getting engaged/married, spending a lot of time at home, paying nominal attention to their religion of choice, occasionally still going out with friends maybe monthly, once in a blue moon going to a club or a party, and just generally going about life.

I understand watching my family’s struggles with secrecy, pain, and shame has made me very resistant to an average, mundane kind of life even though most people don’t have horrible consequences for choosing a life that becomes very insular. I guess I saw almost all my mom’s friends leave her since she would not leave my alcoholic dad and saw how unhappy both my parents were. So the idea of being so dependent on any one person for everything and being so limited in life choices made me decide at an early age that that would never be me.

I’ve spent all of my life trying to make safe/secure life decisions. For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted what I never had growing up (a warm, loving, happy family) and to please everyone and be successful. Instead I am staring down:

A career I left because it was crushing me and not nurturing my soul, so I could become a part time nanny and bring home exactly half the money I was previously bringing home for half the hours. This was not the life my mother or I had envisioned for myself. I was supposed to be on a career path! I was supposed to be making lots of money! I was supposed to be working towards being someone important in someone else’s fishbowl! Instead, I am a nanny for two small children for a very nice family and I am helping to nurture them to grow up smart, self-confident, and happy.

Loving, happy, but complicated love relationships. My heart tends to be too complex to fit into a typical Cosmo’s “How to have a successful relationship and give a good blowjob and have an awesome career and spend lots of time with your galpals and girl, get your ass to the gym for some yoga and quality you time!” column. I am truly blessed to have partners in my life who understand this and friends who do their best to try as well. But when you step out of society’s check boxes (Gay or straight? Married or single?), it can also feel isolating and frustrating to not have all the words to explain things quickly or the comfort of doing what’s expected of you.

A religion that’s often misunderstood. I was brought up Catholic (and was a very devout believer), but after my dad died, it started to not work so well for me. I started asking a lot of questions and hoped to find answers that worked for me. And while in my college coursework I found peace with the religion I was raised in, and respect for my feminist Catholic sisters who are fighting the good fight, the revolution was not moving fast enough for me personally. I learned about Dianic Wicca in my studies and was lucky enough to find a circle near to me that started my path as a Pagan. It was (and is) a beautiful, exciting, and moving experience for me. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that sometimes I miss the ease of Catholicism — go to church Sundays, be a good pony, confess when you haven’t, and God will always take care of you. Following a much newer (and at the same time much older) religion and religious movement is exciting and exhilarating because I feel like I personally am making a lot of impact on it. My connections to my own goddesses and gods feel a lot more personal to me. But there are also many explanations needed, fewer religious texts to fall back on, a firm but smaller support structure, and let’s not forget the whole “I went against hundred of years of tradition in my family” to be a Witch thing.

Not wanting any kids. I love being a nanny. I really do. But I also love going home. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want whenever I want it. And that is not going to go over well with my fam when they find out.

Still have a house that is often messy. Part of the reason I left the corporate world was to have more time to tend to my own hearth. To have the time and energy to care for my loved ones, my house and have enough time to cook (another pastime I enjoy). But oftentimes the house is still messy more days than not, we eat casseroles and crockpot meals more often than not, along with the stigma of others (not my partners!) devaluing my labor in the home because it’s unpaid. I also am dealing with my own envy for the women I know who work full time, but make Martha Stewart look like a burnout slacker. It can be very hard to not hold myself up to these other women and find myself lacking.

To say taking the road less traveled is terrifying is nothing shy of an incredible understatement. I remember how scared and anxious I was when I was just out of college, sitting on the concrete train station floor in Belgium, stranded and unable to speak the language with just a fistful of currency (wafflemarks?) in my pocket. If you had told me then that it would pale in comparison to how I would feel five years later, surrounded by friends and family in my own hometown trying to follow my heart like some damned chicklit novel, I probably would have thrown some wafflemarks at you. But yet, here I am anyway.

I guess I’m saying it’s hard sometimes, feeling like not a lot of people in my life can say “I know exactly how you feel” and really mean it. Sometimes this path to my true heart is lonely and often it’s scary. I’ve always, always had a really exacting plan, but I threw my map into the river. Stepping out of my box is really hard for me. My inner critics are loud, bossy, and opinionated. And that’s just my inner critics; forget about my loved ones who want what’s best for me…according to them. It can be hard to stand up for myself to all of them when I still have so many doubts and fears. Because you know what? I don’t know what I’m doing.

In this time of personal turmoil, I’ve gotten so bogged down in the mundane that I’ve forgotten how to practice my spirituality. And, you want to know a secret? I’m scared to get back into a regular practice. To me, it feels like coming home way after curfew, smelling of cigarette smoke, and you know your mom is up waiting for you. At times, I still see my deities as disappointed parents. I’ve been trying to put the magical in the daily (giving thanks to Yemaya in the shower, singing praise to Crow in my car). I’m trying to appreciate all the things I do and accomplish. I’m trying to see the beauty of just being in the grace of the deities who have blessed me by choosing me as one of their beloved. But it’s hard for me to set aside my tendencies to be an overachiever in my spiritual life.

I feel like I should be able to “just” set aside all of my faults in this one area of my life. My altars should be maintained, my meditation practice should be daily, I should give of my time freely and easily to the community and oh yeah, not be critical of my execution of my faith. In other words, I should not be me but maybe Kuan Yin instead. But then . . .aren’t all our flaws and graces amplified in this area of our lives? I’ve been crueler, more selfish, more demanding, harsher, less trusting, less attentive, angrier, and sadder in my faith than I have in any other part of my life. I’ve also been more selfless, kinder, more nurturing, more faithful, more ecstatic, and most peaceful than any other part of my life.

When I can tell my inner critic to take a nap for a little while, I can still see the beauty of my practice, even now. I can see kitchen Witching for Lammas and singing Bridget’s song to Her while I make pan after pan of food with my fellow kitchen Witches and letting a friend cry into my apron when she needed to. I can see myself at the Jersey shore, introducing one of my loves to Yemaya and twirling and throwing white roses into Her sea. I can see my Crow side teasing my friend while I read her Tarot and sort out her love life. I can see my shaman self, dancing to the universal heartbeat at a goth club, dripping in sweat, being brave enough to get on a table and dance my offerings to the Universe and yes, as if no one is watching. And I have to hold onto these pieces of myself during this difficult time, tighter than I’d hold a box from Tiffany’s, because it’s what reminds me that I am part of this universe. It reminds me that I do bring wonder and joy, even when it’s harder to see. Most importantly, it reminds me that following my path to my secret heart is indeed full of miracles and wonders if I can see them through my tears.

Footnotes:
Additional Resources for Soul Searching:

Truth or Dare : Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery by Starhawk: A powerful exploration into using our spiritual power as women to make changes in our own lives, our community, and our world.

Office Sutras: Exercises for Your Soul at Work by Marcia Menter: A very helpful little book with ideas on how to find soulfulness at your current job and how to figure out what will make you happy in the workplace in the long term.

Planet Sark: http://www.planetsark.com/: A beautiful, colorful website with lots of kindred spirits figuring out their life’s path with some really great resources.

The Honesty Room by Dar Williams: A lyrically amazing, gorgeously sung cd that will make you laugh and cry and think about your life.

Lighten Up – The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

 

To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face east. You are ready to begin:

  1. With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, “Microwave dinners, be gone!
  2. Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. “TV dinners, be gone!
  3. Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. “Ramen instant noodles, be gone!
  4. Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, “Mystery meat in a can, be gone!
  5. Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following: Before me, Martha Stewart. Behind me, Betty Crocker. To my right side, Julia Child. To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!
  6. Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, “For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal.
  7. Clap your hands three times and say, “It’s a good thing.

The rite is over.

If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, july 12

  the daily humorscopes   

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Aries

(March 21 – April 19)

A tomato features in todays cuisine. Sadly, that’s going to be your pinacle of excitement for today.

Taurus

(April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.

Gemini

(May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Cancer

(June 21 – July 22)

Today you will receive a gift horse. Unfortunately, it will have a really horrendous case of gingivitis.

Leo

(July 23 – August 22)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.

Virgo

(August 23 – September 22)

It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).

Libra

(September 23 – October 22)

Despite having a brilliant mind and a lot of terrific friends, you find yourself stagnating in a quiet backwater, with financial success nowhere in sight. You will go into business for yourself, however, making frozen Piroshki based on your grandmother’s recipe, and will become rich and famous. Your grandmother will thwap you with her umbrella.

Scorpio

(October 23 – November 21)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…

Sagittarius

(November 22 – December 21)

Today, someone named “Svlad” will appear at your door, carrying a large inflatable penguin and a bag of pistachio nuts. Despite your better judgement, you will let him in.

Capricorn

(December 22 – January 20)

You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.

Aquarius

(January 21 – February 18)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Pisces

(February 19 – March 20)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

the daily humorscopes for sunday, may 13th

the daily humorscope 

Sunday, May 13, 2012

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Not only is this a good day to throw a tantrum, but there’s a good chance that you might set a new distance record!
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
This will be “one of those days”, I’m afraid. The person next to you on the bus will have taken one of those nitroglycerin capsules for his heart condition, and will be bending over to pick up a newspaper, just as the bus hits a big pothole…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction.” Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that there is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. A silly nose wiggle ranks pretty highly, though.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
As a joke, you will put a remote controlled monster under someone’s bed. That will be really funny, although perhaps not quite as funny as when they put a real monster under yours.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Everyone you work with will bring Kim Chee for lunch, today. They’re just doing it to be difficult.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realise that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.

the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 5th

the daily humorscope 

Saturday, November 05, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a spacesuit!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).

Today’s Little Funnies for October 14th

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
Don’t pick up that mess!!! It’s Saturday…relax and have a great day!
Don’t tell me that…I shouldn’t have Arachnophobia? I’ve enjoyed my fear so much and I also have that fear of combustibles…which is such a pleasure for me…it takes a lot of my time so I don’t have to do the things I really need to do or think about anything else…
And finally my kitchen is complete, I’ve turned my oven into a flower pot!

anonymous
 
 
 
 
 

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, sept.13th

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have to take someone aside and gently explain that a “briefcase” is not actually for undergarments. Remember: you probably made a few silly mistakes yourself, when you were just starting out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you’ve been thinking of. You’ll be the only private individual (aside from Martha Stewart) who orders toothpicks by the case. Martha goes through several boxes just sticking breakfast together, I hear.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
This will be a very musical day for you, today. Next time, try to remember the Beano(tm)?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashie” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Bad day to tease a yak.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Good day to avoid pickled herring.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed”.)