A Little Humor for Your Day – Smart Retorts

SMART RETORTS

  • I clean house every other day. Today is the other day! So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
  • Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
  • If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
  • I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
  • My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
  • A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
  • I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
  • If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
  • Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.
  • A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
  • If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
  • A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
  • Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
  • My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
  • Don’t pick up that mess!!! It’s Saturday…relax and have a great day!
  • Don’t tell me that…I shouldn’t have Arachnophobia? I’ve enjoyed my fear so much and I also have that fear of combustibles…which is such a pleasure for me…it takes a lot of my time so I don’t have to do the things I really need to do or think about anything else…
  • And finally my kitchen is complete, I’ve turned my oven into a flower pot!

anonymous

Oh My Aging Funny Bone

 

Lighten Up – The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

 

To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face east. You are ready to begin:

  1. With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say, “Microwave dinners, be gone!
  2. Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. “TV dinners, be gone!
  3. Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it. “Ramen instant noodles, be gone!
  4. Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it, “Mystery meat in a can, be gone!
  5. Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following: Before me, Martha Stewart. Behind me, Betty Crocker. To my right side, Julia Child. To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!
  6. Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim, “For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal.
  7. Clap your hands three times and say, “It’s a good thing.

The rite is over.

If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP.

Today’s Little Funnies for October 14th

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!
So this isn’t Home Sweet Home… Adjust!
Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
I would cook dinner but I can’t find the can opener!
My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!
A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.
I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.
If you don’t like my standards of cooking…lower your standards.
Apology. Although you’ll find our house a mess, come in, sit down, converse. It doesn’t always look like this. Some days it’s even worse.
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
Martha Stewart doesn’t live here!!
If we are what we eat, then I’m easy, fast, and cheap.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.
My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.
Don’t pick up that mess!!! It’s Saturday…relax and have a great day!
Don’t tell me that…I shouldn’t have Arachnophobia? I’ve enjoyed my fear so much and I also have that fear of combustibles…which is such a pleasure for me…it takes a lot of my time so I don’t have to do the things I really need to do or think about anything else…
And finally my kitchen is complete, I’ve turned my oven into a flower pot!

anonymous