the daily humorscope
Thursday, June 07, 2012
(March 21 – April 19)
Excellent day to come up with new theories to explain the universe around you. Remember: the simplest explanation is usually the best. For example, most physicists today subscribe to the “Big Band” theory of the creation of the universe. I have an alternate theory that I prefer, which I call “Tuba Ensemble.”
(April 20 – May 20)
You will discover, today, that you can whistle and hum at the same time. This will entertain you for hours.
(May 21 – June 20)
Try to praise in public and criticize in private. Just never, ever, criticize privates.
(June 21 – July 22)
Your relationship is reaching the point where you may as well discuss the Big Question – there’s no point in going further if you don’t see eye to eye on that. By Big Question I’m referring to “crunchy” versus “creamy”, of course. Why, what did you think I meant?
(July 23 – August 22)
This might be a good time to recontextualize your imponderables. If you know what I mean.
(August 23 – September 22)
Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?
(September 23 – October 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
(October 23 – November 21)
You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
(November 22 – December 21)
Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.
(December 22 – January 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
(January 21 – February 18)
Today you will notice yet another large freshly-dug mound of dirt in your neighbor’s back yard. It’s probably nothing — he probably just digs at night if he can’t get to sleep. I know I do.
(February 19 – March 20)
One part of you really wants something, and another part of you wants to wait. It’s quite normal, actually, to have these little internal arguments. Just don’t let it escalate into a fist fight.