As mentioned at the end of yesterday’s calendar entry, this day starts off with some extra oomph in the right direction as the Moon parallels Jupiter (1:39AM PST). Even though this lunar aspect won’t last a long time, it reinforces optimism as the day begins. Since the Moon in Aries opposes Saturn in Libra (10:11AM PST), the earlier lunar contact with buoyant Jupiter can help to keep you out of the doldrums. In addition, excitement builds around the time when the Sun makes a frictional, 135-degree link to Uranus (11:40AM PST). Uranus strong can equate with a rising tide of surprises and shock waves, but you may also make advances on the cutting edge of science and metaphysics. A Moon-Mars parallel (2:34PM PST) suggests a slow-down around that time-period in order that you avoid making rash acts that will boomerang against you. Another reason to slow your tempo today is that Venus and Mercury form abrasive, 45-degree ties to Saturn at 5:42PM PST and 7:11PM PST, respectively. Be more productive in arts, crafts and hobbies as the Sun in Scorpio forms a flowing trine to Ceres in Pisces (8:40PM PST). This aspect doubles as a catalyst to help you make sensible dietary and nutritional changes. Physical and emotional vitality is on the rise – courtesy of the Moon in Aries trine to Mars in Leo (9:47PM PST). However, this alignment also starts a void lunar cycle that lasts until 11:46PM PST when the Moon enters earthy Taurus. Gear up for tomorrow’s Neptune shift from reverse to direct in Aquarius as well as the upcoming Full Moon and Chiron shift from reverse to direct in Pisces on Thursday.
Tag: LIBRA
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 8th
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I’m sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
A lot of people still do “spring cleaning”, but only a few families have preserved the tradition of “fall dirtying”. Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you’ll get to have some fun.
the daily humorscopes for monday, november 7th
the daily humorscope
Monday, November 07, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will meet Klive Dinky, the proprietor of Klive Dinky’s Tropical Dream Vacation, and Spa Salon. He will turn out to be much shorter than you ever imagined.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to have some fun with fake fur and spirit gum. Now you can see what chest hair would really be like, or go for the “Madonna” look. Or you can simply opt for hairy palms — that’s always fun.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will be walking along today when you overhear someone making a snide remark about you, drawing an unflattering comparison between your personality, and landfill. A snappy reply will occur to you, sometime late next week.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day for standing barefoot on the lawn and wiggling your toes. Under no circumstance should you stand barefoot on the lawn and wiggle your nose. It simply isn’t done.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you act now, you could be the first on your block to have an actual moat and a working drawbridge. Something to consider.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will make the bold move from fidgeting to twiddling. Just please be careful.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day to learn to play the tuba.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to tell your friend to quit wearing that rediculous goatee. Why not recommend a sheepee, instead?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will walk into a door frame today, and people will smirk. Remember though, they’re smirking with you, not at you.
the daily humorscopes for sunday, november 6th
the daily humorscope
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to examine your cuticles. If you do that studiously enough, I’m quite sure nobody will realize you’re not paying any attention.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Uh oh. The cows have come home, and the fat lady is about to sing. Better come up with some new excuses, quick! You can do that while you’re coping with the unpleasant result of the cows coming home.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going “Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo.” I’d stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You’ll get your big break today! Try not to blow it. And stand up straight – shoulders back! That’s better.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Excellent day to refer to everyone as “Doctor”. This will make them grin, and they’ll forget all about that favor they were going to ask of you.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will tell you today “Boy, what a girl goes through to send her brother through proctology school.” Despite being forewarned, you won’t have anything to say.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Tomorrow is a good day to wear your lucky Rocket ship underwear. Try not to leap into rooms while shouting “Hark!” however.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
What fun! You’ll be called in to a special meeting at work soon, where someone will have a “pink slip”. Sounds like party attire to me!
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to go on a voyage of self-discovery. Try to be back in time for dinner, though.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
While attempting to stifle a yawn today, you will accidentally make a loud “smooching” sound. Try bringing out your pager, and saying “these new models sure have some interesting sound options, don’t they?” I find that works well with several other forms of involuntary noises, as well.
the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 5th
the daily humorscope
Saturday, November 05, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a spacesuit!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).
the daily humorscopes for thursday, november 3rd
the daily humorscope
Thursday, November 03, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face.”
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day for a bubble bath. If you don’t have a little yellow rubber duckie, you’ll need to get that first, of course.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover Pablo Picasso’s secret. He didn’t deliberately invent cubist art. He just liked painting accident victims.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will receive an odd postcard from a long lost relative in Peru. He will invite you to come explore an ancient Incan ruin which he has discovered. Try not to be too impulsive — a better offer will soon arrive from a an old high school friend who is hiding out in a Burmese monastery.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will stop you today, to ask directions. Tell them to take the second star to the right, and go straight on till morning. (I personally never ask for directions, since I find it’s always much more effective to find someone who looks like they know where they’re going, and follow them. I also always tell people that my name is “Svlad”. It’s something to do.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A man wearing two left shoes and a shirt with only one sleeve will approach you today, and try to interest you in a no-load mutual fund. Trust him — he knows what he’s doing.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone elses. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 1st
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be harassed by cats today. Hungry, irritable cats.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of celery.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Noodle day #2! “The Revenge Of The Noodle”. Today you will learn to make a really killer recipe for Szechwan noodles, which will contain both chili-garlic paste and whole peanuts.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will develop a sudden bizarre craving for a bologna sandwich on white bread with mayonnaise and iceberg lettuce. Fight it!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you will turn over a new leaf. Good for you! We were all getting a little tired of you, you know, as you were.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will have an odd dream in which a stadium filled with dogs looks on while a group of wiry runners chases a bunny around a track. The bunny will be Miss April, I believe.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try to avoid nibbling on things today. Despite recent developments, you don’t actually know your friend that well yet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to institute “show and tell” at the office. Why should kids have all the fun? You could break the ice by bringing in your stamp collection, no?
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Someone will ask you if you like Swing music. That’s when you’ll have to be a bit creative, if you don’t want to look ignorant. I generally shrug and say “I don’t know – I don’t really spend that much time on the porch.”
the daily humorscopes for monday, october 31st
the daily humorscope
Monday, October 31, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.
The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.
A strange package will appear on your doorstep — a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday’s Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign…
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.
A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.
You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?
the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 29
the daily humorscope
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr.”
You will snidely snicker at someone today. That’s not going to make you many friends, you know. Instead, you should cheerfully chuckle.
You will need two torches, a sword, leather armor, and a significant amount of courage today. And for heaven’s sake, don’t forget the twine.
Having trouble sticking to that diet, aren’t you? It’s even harder when you see all those enticing commercials for fast food on TV. The trick to dealing with those is to use your imagination – mayonaisse becomes shaving cream, a burger becomes coompressed compost, and everything else is coated with synthetic motor oil. Which, these days, is pretty close to the truth.
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.
While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.
You’ve always felt, like Emerson, that the unexaminged life is not worth living. There’s no need to use a microscope, however.
Remember: good people are good because they gain wisdom through failure. Happily, there’s every reason to believe you’ll become much better soon!
the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 27th
the daily humorscope
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Today you will be suddenly struck by what a genius Norman Rockwell was, and how unappreciated (in the major art circles) he remains. You will vow to do something about it.
Don’t go out today, without a spatula. I can’t say more.
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Your main problem? You’re not eating NEARLY enough strudel.
Bide your time, and don’t do anything rash or in anger. Remember: Revenge is a dish best served cold, with a light bearnaise sauce.
Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Today you will meet someone with a really “cute” sneeze.
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Excellent day to just walk down the street, going “Doo wah ditty, ditty dum ditty doo”. I’d stop short of taking a walk on the wild side, though.
Things haven’t been going well for you lately, and you’re sinking into a fairly ugly bit of self-pity. You merely need to count your blessings! (1) You’ve got a tremendous talent, which some day may be in demand, (2) You’re almost normal — LOTS of people have extra appendages, (3)…
the daily humorscopes for wednesday, october 26th
the daily humorscope
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s time to seriously consider indoor golf. How else are you going to use terms like “mashee” or “niblick” in casual conversation?
Excellent day to crouch behind furniture, and peer over the top. If you can do that while wearing one of those Groucho Marx noses, so much the better.
Let a smile be your umbrella, today. Tomorrow: letting a grimace be a pair of hip-waders.
Today you will lie to yourself. Amusingly, you will be completely taken in, and will be very annoyed later when the truth comes out.
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
You will become a bit nervous when you spot the Feldsteins, next door, doing a Bantu war dance. Perhaps you should call in sick today, and just stay indoors watching Wheel Of Fortune?
What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.
This is a time when you need to hold on to your dreams. Or in other words, reality is becoming too much for you, and you should try to escape into a bizarre fantasy life. Heck, it works fine for Ross Perot, doesn’t it?
Everyone’s talking about Nostradamus these days, but nobody ever remembers his first name. Except you. People may think it’s pretentious of you to talk about “Bob Nostradamus”, but who cares? They’ll all die when the comet hits, anyway.
The mythic asteroid Chaeron, in collaboration with the uneasy spirit of Atahualpa (the last Inca king), will act to produce a gastric upset of epic proportions, today. Keep your chakras clear, and carry some Imodium.
Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.
A dirigible will hover nearby today, and you will have the uneasy feeling that you are being watched. You are, but so what?
Cosmic Calendar for Tuesday, October 25th
It would be great to say that happy days are here again, but the cosmos does not seem to be offering that testimony right now. Instead, last night’s Sun-Uranus 150-degree contact hangs over today as a kind of gigantic question mark concerning whether a breakdown or breakthrough is in the ethers. Keep moving toward a breakthrough in higher consciousness as the Sun makes a contra-parallel with Jupiter (3:16AM PDT) and despite the rude awakenings caused by Venus moving harshly via 45-degrees to Pluto (6:10AM PDT) and while the Sun evokes the wrath of Ceres via a 135-degree connection (7:56AM PDT). These three alignments are all of the challenging kind – although the Sun and Jupiter in their formation can lift your spirits if you are studying any subject of importance in the spheres of knowledge and wisdom. The Venus-Pluto and Sun-Ceres contacts are more akin to being emotional trouble-makers and, if you add on the monthly, cautionary Moon-Saturn union in Libra (7:05PM PDT), the whole tone of the day looks rather gloomy. This is magnified because we are now in the extreme time-period known as the dark-of-the-moon or the Balsamic Moon when the lunar orb is about to re-unite with its solar partner as the New Moon in Scorpio occurs tomorrow at 12:57PM PDT. Therefore, think of today’s 24-hour time-period as a golden opportunity to finish old business with a flourish and not to allow negative thinking to spoil any progress you can make along the relationship horizon.
the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 25th
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he’ll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “l’orange”, and you’ll have time to slip out the back way.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone “smile when you say that, buster”, for example.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Tiddly wink day. Make it count.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Beware of galoots, today.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say “What am I, psychic?” It’s not, though.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.
the daily humorscopes for monday, october 24th
the daily humorscope
Monday, October 24, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that’s what it will seem like — sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance…
On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he’s behaving strangely, and look concerned.
Avoid yodelling today.
You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.
Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever.” Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English.
You’ll accidentally eat one of those fried Szechwan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.
You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.
Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.
You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.
You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.
Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I’d go ahead and send them a note: “Never serve beans in space.”
the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 22nd
the daily humorscope
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Put all your eggs in three baskets, today – metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You’ll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it’s because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you’ve had to say about the weather lately.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.
the daily humorscopes for friday, october 21
the daily humorscope
Friday, October 21, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It’s hard. But I’ve learned to live without mine, most of the time.)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beware of iguanas, today.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid.” And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Someone will tell you that you “run funny”. Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!
the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 20th
the daily humorscope
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Beware of slime creatures today. There’s one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Dium”, or “Sieze the Day!.” Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.
the daily humorscopes for tueday, october 18th
the daily humorscope
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.
the daily humorscopes for monday, october 17th
the daily humorscope
Monday, October 17, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light, ok? The extra point isn’t worth it.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Someone named “Bob” is plotting to whap you with a calla lilly. If you carry long-stemmed carnations around with you today, you will be able to retaliate swiftly and effectively.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Beware of Doug.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win.” The second law says “you can’t break even.” The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight.”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Soon you will find yourself at another dull party, where the only person you know is who you came with. You’ll need to use Tip #39 of my book “101 Ways To Break The Ice”: Ask someone who they are, after introducing yourself. When they say their name, repeat it back to them as “YOU’RE Bill Smith???” “Uh, yes” “Well, you sure can’t believe everything you hear, can you?” “What do you mean?” “Well, it’s just that you don’t look at ALL like a weasel, you know? Or at least, hardly at all.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask yourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”
Cosmic Calendar for Monday, October 17th
For the first day of a workweek in October, this is not an ideal situation. There is an illusion that all is well, and this is coming from a superlative, flowing trine in air signs from the Moon in Gemini to the Sun in Libra (6:38AM PDT). Any lunar-solar combination like this is favorable in a general sort of way, but it is what precedes it and follows it which is alarming. At 4:09AM PDT, the red planet Mars makes a caustic, 135-degree link to revolutionary Uranus. The most explosive planetary pair in astrology is Mars-Uranus. Whenever they enter into a challenging geometrical configuration, sparks can definitely fly. Strive to create serenity throughout your aura for several hours before and after this sky pattern is exact. Meanwhile, Mercury makes its annual opposition to Jupiter (11:56AM PDT) – linking Scorpio to Taurus. In traditional astrology, Mercury and Jupiter rule the four mutable signs of Gemini, Virgo, Sagittarius, and Pisces. As such, these two planets have a lot to do with the realms of communication and transportation. When Mercury opposes Jupiter, there can be breakdowns, snafus, and upheavals in these areas of activity within humanity. Of course, any opposition can still rise to the occasion as a source of mental expansion and enlightenment, but in the modern world and in terms of millions of people going to jobs and traveling on busy highways, any Mercury-Jupiter polarity needs to be monitored with care. A void lunar cycle develops at 3:19PM PDT and continues until 6:39PM PDT when the Moon enters Cancer – the sign of its natural abode. After 6:39PM PDT, home and family matters tend to trump everything else.
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