Tag: Humour

A Little Humor For Your Day – “What Things On Your Resume Really, Really Mean, LOL!

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

 

Funny Humor

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‘THINK on THESE THINGS’ for December 18th

‘THINK on THESE THINGS’
By Joyce Sequichie Hifler

There seems to be two important things to do in times of difficulty. One is to pray and the other to keep our sense of humor. The first is essential to make the basic correction and the other is necessary to balance the human spirit while things work out.

Without a sense of humor, we tend to become too serious about the personal self. It becomes all too important, too self-righteous, and far too self-centered.

At the first signs of trouble, we may want to find someone wiser in whom to confide and ask questions. And their advice may be most helpful, but it is still our own responsibility to get off our backs and do it with dignity and self-respect that will not lower our standards nor cause us embarrassment. And humor can help us do it.

There is humor in every situation if we can detach ourselves from the seriousness of it long enough to look for it. Abraham Lincoln knew the importance of his sense of humor and said, “With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.”

________________________________________

Available online! ‘Cherokee Feast of Days’
By Joyce Sequichie Hifler.

Visit her web site to purchase the wonderful books by Joyce as gifts for yourself or for loved ones……and also for those who don’t have access to the Internet: http://www.hifler.com
Click Here to Buy her books at Amazon.com

Elder’s Meditation of the Day
By White Bison, Inc., an American Indian-owned nonprofit organization. Order their many products from their web site: http://www.whitebison.org

A Little Humor for Your Day – ‘Top Thirteen Reasons To Be Pagan’

Top Thirteen Reasons To Be Pagan

13. I live for persecution!
12. I’m a night person at heart.
11. We respect our elders…and alders, and willows and oaks.
10. I just love explaining that a pentagram is NOT evil.
9. We do more after midnight than most people do all day!
8. Being burned at the stake is a great way to roast marshmallows.
7. We can talk to Elvis (and he IS dead).
6. You live, you learn, you die, you forget. Then you come back…
5. Double the deities, double the fun!
4. We get more holidays.
3. Brooms get great mileage.
2. We were here first!
1. BELTANE!!!

A Little Humor for Your Day – What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, any where’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Funny Humor

A Little Humor for Your Day – THIRTY ONE SIGNS TECHNOLOGY HAS OVERTAKEN YOUR LIFE

THIRTY ONE SIGNS TECHNOLOGY HAS OVERTAKEN YOUR LIFE

1.   Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail address for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write “is” letterhead.

2.   You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.

3.   You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because
there isn’t one typewriter in your house — only computers with laser printers.

4.   You think of the gadgets in our office as “friends,” but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.

5.   You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6.   When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers — and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customer’s questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.

7.   You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8.   You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
“digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9.   You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own
social security number.

10.  You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.

11.  You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.

12.  Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).

13.  You back up your data every day.

14.  Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.

15.  You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16.  On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17.  The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.

18.  You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town
hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19.  You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up
the street names.

20.  You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21.  You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.

22.  You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-half inch sizes.

23.  Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24.  You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.

25.  While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26.  You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.

27.  You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28.  You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.

29.  You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better — the track ball or the track “pad.”

30.  You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a
tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

31. You e-mail this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get
around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the
phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-
to-face.

Your I Ching Hexagram for Dec. 29th is 10:Treading Carefully

10: Treading Carefully

Saturday, Dec 29th, 2012

hexagram09

 

 

 

 

People of ability find their way and make progress even in difficult circumstances. Consider your steps carefully when you are surrounded by changing forces. Weak and strong forces (or people) can co-exist when the weaker element does not impose upon the stronger, when the weaker maintains good humor and avoids taking bold action. When treading among sleeping tigers — or slippery stones — step gingerly and don’t stumble.

In the company of strong, brash people, rushing wildly ahead brings misfortune. Now is not a good time for taking the initiative; rather, try getting by with a little grace and good humor. In the court of a powerful king, the jester often has more power than the prince.

Daily OM for November 30 – Gladdening Nourishment

Gladdening Nourishment

Silliness

by Madisyn Taylor

Giving yourself permission to be silly will nourish your creativity and is a good exercise in letting go.

 

Children appreciate all that is silly as a matter of course. Their grasp of humor is instinctual, and even the smallest absurdities provoke joyous gales of earnest laughter. As we age, this innate ability to see the value of silliness can diminish. Work takes precedence over play, and we have less incentive to exercise our imaginative minds by focusing on what is humorous. When we remember childhood, we may recall the pleasures of donning funny costumes, reciting nonsense poems, making up strange games, or playing pretend. This unabashed silliness nourished our vitality and creativity. We can take in this nourishment once again by giving ourselves permission to lighten up and be silly.

Too often we reject the wonderful silliness that is an inherent, inborn aspect of the self because we believe that it serves no purpose or is at odds with the grown-up culture of maturity. We play yet we do not lose ourselves in play, and our imaginations are never truly given free reign because we regard the products of irrational creativity as being valueless. Yet silliness itself does indeed constitute a vital part of human existence on a myriad of levels. Our first taste of ethereal bliss is often a consequence of our willingness to dabble in what we deem outrageous, nonsensical, or absurd. We delight in ridiculousness not only because laughter is intrinsically pleasurable, but also because it serves as a reminder that existence itself is fun. Skipping, doodling, and singing funny songs are no less entertaining than they were when we were children. We need not lose all interest in these cheerful and amusing activities, but to make them a part of our lives we must be ready to sacrifice a little dignity and a lot of fear.

It is precisely because so much of life is inescapably serious that silliness should be regarded as a priority. Through the magic of imagination, you can be or become anything—a photographer, a professional athlete, a dancer, a pilot. Whether you take hundreds of silly pictures, revel in the adulation of your fans as you make the winning catch, boogie down rock-star style in front of your bedroom mirror, or turn your desk into a cockpit, the ensuing hilarity will help you see that lighthearted fun and adulthood are not at all incompatible.

A Little Humor – How To Recognize Humour (A Funny)

How to Recognize Humour

A Guide for the Genetically Disadvantaged

By Everfool

Dedicated to Loki

From Chamber’s English Dictionary (1989 edition):

Humour (Us: Humor) ‘a mental quality which appreciates and delights in the ludicrous or mirthful: that which causes mirth and amusement: playful fancy’

Humourless ‘petulant’

Irony ‘the Socratic method of discussion by professing ignorance: conveyance of meaning (generally satirical) by words whose literal meaning is the opposite.’

Sarcasm ‘a bitter sneer: a satirical remark in scorn or contempt, often but not necessarily ironical’

Brain ‘in vertebrates, that part of the central nervous system that is contained within the skull…intelligence, common sense’

It has recently become apparent that some viewers of the fine website that is The Cauldron have missed out on one of the exciting developments in the evolution of bipedal mammals: the ability to notice when someone is not being entirely serious.  Because most of the people behind the website are kind, generous people, who would not say a bad word about anyone, the writing of this article has rather naturally fallen to me.

With the intent of making many lives more wholesome and enjoyable, it is my hope to help you to separate ironic humour articles from hideously idiotic editorials.  This is a basic course, however, so don’t get cocky and start reading the transcripts of political speeches.

Useful Clues

1) The presence of the word ‘humour.’  One would think that this is an obvious sign, and certainly I think so, but apparently I’m out of step with the world.  I blame the stuff they put in the water supply.*

Read the article.  Look all over the page.  Examine the web address even.  If anywhere appears the word ‘humour’ in a label format, you should probably move onto deciding whether the article is funny or not.  If you can’t decide on that, please order my new book Is It Funny?retailing at £30.95.

* Shopping trolleys mainly.

2) ‘Tone’ When you read the article, is your first instinct to laugh at how bizarre it is?  Congratulations, it’s probably a humour piece!  While some people are unintentionally funny, most people have to work hard at it.  Come to that, some people have to work hard at basic cognitive functions, but I’m digressing.

3) Content of the rest of the site: Possibly your most useful guide.  The most basic point links back to number one: is this article stored within a section labelled as ‘humour’?  If you can’t handle the ramifications of this one, please see your doctor immediately and tell him you’re not allowed to reproduce. More time consuming is the examination of the rest of the site.  Do all of the pages seem in keeping with the item that originally inflamed your anger?  If you think the article encourages an absurdly ‘fluff bunny’ attitude, the intelligent article on controversies within the Pagan community may change your mind.  May.

4) Ask the people who run the website whether they’re being serious.  This may save you the effort of remembering all those interesting words your dad/uncle/priest used to use when they smelled of domestic bleach, and will save you embarrassment if you ever planned on holding a conversation with representatives of the site.

This concludes the basic guide to spotting humour.

Remember to look out for:

  • Convenient label systems.
  • Tone.
  • Context/accompanying content.
  • Hints from the owner of the site that it’s frigging humour.

And if this doesn’t help, frankly we’re going to send the flying monkeys after you.

Your Daily Horoscopes for Monday, November 12

We’re not interested in compromising for the sake of a relationship today; our perceptions are non-negotiable. The Moon’s shift into fixed Scorpio at 6:10 am EST encourages us to believe that what we perceive is absolutely real, settling a previously unstable situation. However, her afternoon conjunction with taskmaster Saturn requires us to defend our feelings. Fortunately, we’re still standing on solid ground even if others disagree with us.

 

Aries Horoscope

(Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may be required to face the consequences of your desires today. From a positive perspective this process can deepen a relationship, allowing you to grow more intimate with another person. It’s about going further than you normally choose to go. However, difficulties arise if you try to blast through resistance without taking responsibility. Make the most of your time now by slowing down to address the softer side of the story.

 

Taurus Horoscope

(Apr 20 – May 20)

It seems as if nothing is simple now as powerful feelings impact your connections with others. Your current inclination to peel away the layers of the onion to see what’s underneath can be a welcome opportunity to take a relationship to the next level. But dissatisfaction might be revealed that leads to renegotiating a partnership agreement or even ending it. Be courageous and accept the changes that are inevitable parts of life.

 

Gemini Horoscope

(May 21 – Jun 20)

A task that you thought was already completed could require additional work now. If you rushed through it the first time around, expect to put more effort into it again today. This is an excellent time to do some maintenance, even if you are not very excited about the idea. Cleaning up at home or at work can bring satisfaction if you pick one job and do it thoroughly, rather than spreading your energy too thin.

 

Cancer Horoscope

(Jun 21 – Jul 22)

Intensity is the keyword for the day, and there’s no way you just want to kick back and relax. Power and passion can bring fulfillment — and this means taking risks with your heart, even if the situation is complex. Life doesn’t have to be simple now to be good. Romance may shine brightly on your horizon today because you’re capable of discovering new heights of pleasure with the right partner.

 

Leo Horoscope

(Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Expect to face issues of power and control now, especially in family dynamics. You might see a potential conflict as a difficult situation that must be avoided, but it can also be a rare opportunity to break unconscious patterns that limit your choices. Be fearless and know that greatness comes from addressing the toughest issues with frank openness, rather than avoiding them as a matter of pride.

 

Virgo Horoscope

(Aug 23 – Sep 22)

Sometimes strategically telling a secret is quite useful, but it can also be very dangerous. The risk is that while you get closer to one person, you might lose the trust of others who are not included in the conversation. The positive side is that you may receive objective insights from someone who has a very clear take on the issues. Use your keen analytical mind today to make sense out of a previously mysterious situation.

 

Libra Horoscope

(Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Although it’s the start of the workweek, your mind may be set on doing some serious shopping today. You have an eye for bargains that will help you spot a real deal. This is perfect for hitting thrift stores or buying antiques, and even if it’s not your style to argue over prices, you can be an extra successful negotiator now. Put your money sense to work for you and buy something that appreciates in value and makes you happy.

 

Scorpio Horoscope

(Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Although differences of opinion are normal, you don’t need to escalate them into outright conflict today. You’re the passionate type who doesn’t take a half-hearted approach, giving you strength of vision when things get tough. But this intensity can also trap you in an extreme position now. Keep an open mind and a healthy sense of humor. Remember, it isn’t worth damaging a relationship just to make your point.

 

Sagittarius Horoscope

(Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Although your motto might be live and let live, it seems like you could lose some of your easygoing attitude today. Even a simple conversation can build in intensity and volume until tempers grow out of control. Naturally, you have a right to your opinions, but nothing is gained by getting upset now. Keep things on friendly terms or just drop the subject for a while. Make a peaceful exit from the scene before blowing your cool.

 

Capricorn Horoscope

(Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Others seem to make situations more difficult today, especially if you are inflexible in your attitude. You prefer to stick with your plan, but should prepare yourself to make adjustments if you want to avoid conflict. Don’t use force to get your way; instead, step back and try to understand the opposing viewpoint. You may not agree with the ideas, but you can maintain harmony now if you respectfully listen to what’s being said.

 

Aquarius Horoscope

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

You are a great believer in freedom and individuality. Exerting power over other people might not interest you, but you have responsibilities today that require you to step up to the plate and be a leader. Working within specific structures can succeed if the rest of the group shares your enthusiasm for the cause. You may be able to accomplish the impossible now with a dedicated team effort.

 

Pisces Horoscope

(Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Someone might require your emotional support today, but all you can bring is a wider perspective on the situation. Your faith and spirituality help create a larger context to balance a sense of loss. Although a situation may seem hopeless, your innate wisdom is comforting to those in need. Trust in your ability to reduce pain and suffering, even if you feel like you’re not doing all that much now.

Your Horoscopes for Samhain, October 31

It’s fascinating to learn so much, but real intelligence means we have to apply what we know. The Moon’s shift into versatile Gemini at 2:40 pm EDT reflects a more curious side to our personalities. We need to gather information now, but lots of data doesn’t necessarily make us wiser. Although the Gemini Moon can overwhelm us with noise, a visionary Sun-Jupiter alignment later in the day reminds us to also seek meaning to enrich our lives.

 

Aries Horoscope

(Mar 21 – Apr 19)

Put your excess energy to good use today while you can. Unfortunately, you may be attracted to many different activities, making it possible to fritter away your time. Establish clear priorities so that you can take care of the most important tasks first. Rambling conversations with friends are fun, but they might just be more distractions when you can’t afford to fall behind in your work. You need to ramp up your productivity if you want to be taken seriously by those who matter most.

 

Taurus Horoscope

(Apr 20 – May 20)

Invest your time in accumulating practical information today. Purchasing a book or a magazine could be enough to get you moving in the right direction, but don’t be afraid to take another step like signing up for a class or doing online research. Concentrate your efforts on acquiring useful knowledge. Remember, there’s more than one right answer to most questions. Mental flexibility is an invaluable asset for you now. Following your curiosity can lead you to some very interesting places.

 

Gemini Horoscope

(May 21 – Jun 20)

You are probably even more talkative with the Moon back in your sign, which makes it crucial to watch what you say. There could be someone lurking nearby now, ready to harshly judge any mistake you make. Choosing the wrong words might adversely impact your credibility and productivity. If you need to give a presentation today, make certain you brush up on your facts so you don’t invite unnecessary criticism. A little preparation in advance goes a long way to proving your competence.

 

Cancer Horoscope

(Jun 21 – Jul 22)

You might be feeling on edge today because your current dissatisfaction makes it difficult to sit still. Instead of letting your frustration build throughout the day, apply this extra energy to help a loved one who may be in need of special attention. You can deepen your sense of purpose by supporting someone who seems lost or confused. Ultimately, assisting others is also a positive way to nurture your soul.

 

Leo Horoscope

(Jul 23 – Aug 22)

Being part of a team is quite enjoyable today and may even boost your self-confidence along the way. A productive relationship with a clever co-worker or partner gets the job done more quickly and effectively now than you could do by yourself. The key is to listen to everyone’s input, for leadership is as much about understanding and appreciating others as it is about telling them what to do. A creative collaboration can a wonderful way to achieve success.

 

Virgo Horoscope

(Aug 23 – Sep 22)

You are able to deconstruct complex situations better than most, but you still need to be careful today because you could miss a critical piece of information right in front of your nose. However, your perspective may be a bit skewed now, so make sure the problem truly requires your attention before you get too concerned about something that’s not ultimately all that important.

 

Libra Horoscope

(Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Setting long-term goals is an essential key to your success now, but try not to make any major decisions yet. Take time to do the research first, discuss your plans with your friends and consider all the possible options. Additional education at this time in your life is invaluable since it can help you advance further professionally as long as you don’t lose track of your original objectives.

 

Scorpio Horoscope

(Oct 23 – Nov 21)

If you are feeling irked with a loved one today, go ahead and bring up what’s bothering you. Continuing to sidestep a problem causes more trouble than it’s worth. Share your thoughts, but don’t point blame if you really want to improve the relationship dynamics. You have an opportunity to fill in the missing information that can help you appreciate the other perso,n as long as you don’t allow the dialogue to turn into your personal rant. Opening your ears is just as important as opening your mouth.

 

Sagittarius Horoscope

(Nov 22 – Dec 21)

You are able to speak to nearly anyone about almost anything today, so set up the necessary meetings to pitch your ideas. It’s a day when you can effortlessly impress others with your knowledge and enthusiasm. Just remember that the devil is in the details. All the charismatic charm in the world won’t be enough to close a deal unless you have the solid facts to back up your ambitious plans.

 

Capricorn Horoscope

(Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Ironically, your flexibility may be more valuable now than a solid game plan, so be ready to change directions at a moment’s notice. Playing the role of an authoritative manager with a tight control over everything would be a drastic mistake because this could turn out to be a tough day if you are too rigid in your attitude. By relaxing a little, you’ll find new strategies that can be very effective for you both professionally and personally.

 

Aquarius Horoscope

(Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Your intuition is particularly sharp now, enabling you to pull metaphysical rabbits out of imaginary hats. You can miraculously come up with the right answers as if by sheer magic. However, your spiritual channels will open wider when you simply enjoy yourself and live in the present moment. Maintaining a good sense of humor enables you to turn this into a socially successful day as well.

 

Pisces Horoscope

(Feb 19 – Mar 20)

You may feel a bit scattered today, especially if family issues make it difficult to concentrate on work or school. Don’t make any serious decisions or major commitments unless you are feeling fully confident about your current direction. Although it might be tempting to say yes in order to make someone else happy, reacting quickly isn’t a wise move. Giving your thoughts time to develop before responding allows you to accomplish more in the long run.

I Have A Question

I would like to ask you a question. I don’t know what your opinion of me is but I do not wish to offend anyone. I am very easy going till made mad. I am a nice person, honest.

I would like to know if the joke I just put on here offends you. Material like that I find funny. I know others might find it offensive. I don’t know how far I can go with you is my point. I don’t want to cross the line. I want to keep the material were you enjoy it. Do you mind just a little adult humor? Nothing nasty like the “f” word, I mean like ass and mild words like that.

The site we use for our jokes had a cute joke I started to use. Then I stopped because I didn’t know how you would feel about it. It showed how to make different butts with your computer keys. Then it had what the butts meant beside them. One of them was a kiss my a** butt and that is what it said out beside it. But I didn’t use it because I want to know how you feel about such material.

I would appreciate your comments about this topic. Do you like strictly clean jokes or do you mind a little mild adult humor every now and then?

Thank you,

Annie

A Little Humor for Oct. 1 – Things my mother taught me…

Things my mother taught me…

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
1.”If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why…..”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
‘If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
‘You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Reference:

C. Crisci, Author

Oh My Aging Funny Bone

Lighten Up – “Gripe Sheet”

“Gripe Sheet”

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet,”
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by
Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land ! very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar ! with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

 

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Stop Malicious Gossip

Stop Malicious Gossip　

An easy way to stop malicious gossip is as follows:

Write the name of the person who is gossiping on a piece of white paper. Now think positive thoughts and send loving energy to them (I know it sounds crazy, but…). Place the paper in a glass of water and put it in the freezer. This will freeze the problem.

If you also wish for people to not be so nosy or involved in your business, you can add black ink to the water. This will cloak you from their prying eyes.

Remember to add positive thought. You are not trying to control the person, you are protecting yourself from harmful thoughts, and sending positive energy to deflect negative intent. Harm none!

‘THINK on THESE THINGS’ for April 25th

‘THINK on THESE THINGS’
By Joyce Sequichie Hifler

There seems to be two important things to do in times of difficulty. One is to pray and the other to keep our sense of humor. The first is essential to make the basic correction and the other is necessary to balance the human spirit while things work out.

Without a sense of humor, we tend to become too serious about the personal self. It becomes all too important, too self-righteous, and far too self-centered.

At the first sign of trouble, we may want to find someone wiser in whom to confide and ask questions. And their advice may be most helpful, but it is still our own responsibility to get off our backs and do it with dignity and self-respect that will not lower our standards nor cause us embarrassment. And humor can help us do it.

There is humor in every situation if we can detach ourselves from the seriousness of it long enough to look for it. Abraham Lincoln knew the importance of his sense of humor and said, “With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die.”

*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*<<<=-=>>>*

Available online! ‘Cherokee Feast of Days’
By Joyce Sequichie Hifler.

Visit her web site to purchase the wonderful books by Joyce as gifts for yourself or for loved ones……and also for those who don’t have access to the Internet: http://www.hifler.com
Click Here to Buy her books at Amazon.com

Elder’s Meditation of the Day
By White Bison, Inc., an American Indian-owned nonprofit organization. Order their many products from their web site: http://www.whitebison.org

Good Morning, my dear friends! Did you miss me, lol!

Good Morning Images, Pics, Comments, Graphics
Good Thursday morning, my lovelies! I hope you are having a fantastic day. I must apologize about yesterday. But at you can see, I wasn’t taking a vacation day, lol! The blog had some needed up-dating. I had been trying to get it all done in the mornings before I did my blogging. But the up-dates turned out to be too many and I couldn’t get it done. So yesterday, I decided I should be ashamed of myself for letting all this go and take care of it. Thank the Goddess, I got it all done.

As you can see the blog has a new look. I hope you like it. Also the monthly Goddess, Herb and Crystal are now current. I also pulled off some dead links and other things I have been aiming to remove. The blog is now current and hopefully it will stay that way for a few months (keep your fingers crossed, lol!).

I just wanted to drop you a quick note and let you know what was going on. Really, I didn’t want you to think I flew the coup, lol! Now let’s get down to business……

Guardian Dragons

Guardian Dragons

Personal guardian dragons come in various shapes and sizes, and usually (but not always) are quite small, at least much smaller than other dragons. They come in all colors. Often the little guardians are colored in pastel or lighter shades with belly scales of a myriad of hues. This smallness and color variety seem to point to the possibility that these dragons are more or less serving an apprenticeship, that they are younger dragons. The older adult dragons range in dimensions from tiger-size to absolutely huge; their scales are more pronounced and harder, while the little ones have softer scales, sometimes barely discernable.

Dragons age very slowly; therefore the juvenile stage could well last a hundred or more years, a relatively short period of time for long-lived dragons.

Guardian dragons would appear to be serving a type of apprenticeship by working with humans. This is their time of “schooling” of learning about humans, and of strengthening their individual powers. And as with all schools, the little guardian dragons are supervised by one or more adult dragons; you may or may not see these teachers. This supervision is for the safety of the little ones, as well as your protection. Little guardian dragons can get quit exuberant at times.

Although the powers of guardian dragons are not as strong or focused as those of larger dragons, they can help with protection; friendship; love; divination, such as tarot, runes or crystal reading; the development of psychic abilities; dancing; singing; and general rituals.

Having a guardian or guardians from the dragon kingdom has distinct advantages. They become quite protective if you are friends with them. These little dragons are more or less astral watchdogs of both your property and your person. In this period of history with crime rates soaring, a magician, indeed any person, is foolish not to take advantage of any offered help in protection of self, family, and property. With guardian dragons, there is no cleanup; one feeds them on love and created energy. They are invisible and quiet, at least to the senses of most people. However, they can and do make disturbing noises, uncomfortable vibrational feelings and sometimes actual appearances to those they feel might cause their friends distress or harm in any way.

Most of these little guardian dragons are quite playful. They frolic with and often tease household pets. One of our little guardians take delight in startling Finnigan, one of our cats, but he treats the other cat, Callisto, with respect. All of our little guardians love young children, following them about with great interest. In describing dragons, one can use the pronouns he or she interchangeably, since it is difficult to know the sex of dragons unless they tell you.
Nip and Tuck are our knee-high dragons. They are quite heavy through the body and have stubs of wings; I have never seen them fly, but they run at top speed up and down the stairs. They are colored in metallic earth hues with flashes of gold and deep forest green on their scales. I have never been able to tell which one is Nip and which is Tuck; they seem to think this is a great joke. More than one time I have found myself stepping over one of them, only to have a nonbelieving visitor give me a strange look. My dragons are as real to me as my cats, who also have a bad habit of lying down right beside me.
Tinsel, the tiniest of the dragons, is only the length of my hand. She is a shade or spring green, soft as silk,

with transparent wings almost as long as she is. Her belly scales are colored with electric blue, deep rose, gold and silver, like a gem-studded best. Nip and Tuck are likely to be anywhere in the house, while Tinsel can be found nestled in my hair, droped over one of my ears like an exotic ornament, or snoozing on top of the bookcases. After working lone hours in front of a computer, I often need my neck adjusted because of tension. Fortunately, my husband does this for me. One night while doing this, he started to laugh and said, “Listen to Tinsel.” Tinsel was sitting on the dresser watching, while commenting with a constant stream of talk. “I don’t need my neck adjusted. Ouch! Does that hurt? Don’t hurt her now.”

A dragon-loving friend has a guardian named Quicksilver who is black except for silver on his wings, yellow-gold eyes, and a fiery red mouth. Like most guardian dragons, Quicksilver has a delicious sense of humor and a delightful laugh.

Guardian dragons generally love to participate in rituals. Sometimes, instead of primarily defending a house, they will attach themselves to a person. Therefore, it is entirely possible to have several guardian dragons to a family and even several to a person.


Guardian dragons are the most friendly of their species and the most fun-loving. They enjoy simple impromptu rituals that include dancing, singing, and general fun. Simple, very relaxed rituals such as these are an excellent way to introduce children into the field of ritual and getting acquainted with dragons. It is also a very good way for adults to unwind and release stress.

These dragons are attracted to ginger and sweet-smelling and spicy incenses. They are greatly interested in divination and have a tendency to hang over your should while you are reading cards or practicing crystal gazing, for instance. They are interested in stories, especially if the dragon is portrayed as powerful, wily and not defeated by puny mortals.

A friend’s six-year-old daughter was having difficulty seeing her dragons and was quite upset about it. Her father finally gave her a rock crystal and told her to put it against her forehead. Immediately, she saw her dragons. Now it is common for her to keep a piece of crystal handy so she can enjoy this enw way of “seeing” her dragon friends.

If you are having trouble visualizing your dragons, try using a piece of rock crystal. It does not have to be flawless, nor does it have to points. It would appear that this type of crystal acts as a kind of magnifying glass to the psychic through the third eye in the middle of the forehead. When you have mastered the technique with rock crystal, experiment with other kinds of translucent rocks. Remember, dragons have individual tastes in things, just as humans do.


Chant:


Little dragons, rainbow bright,

Good friends of this family,

Send good wishes to us all.

Join our rituals merrily.

Protect us through each day and night,

While awake or while asleep.

Though your love and vigilance

Do this family safely keep.

 

Dancing With Dragons

D. J. Conway

View From My Side of the Broomstick

View From My Side of the Broomstick

Author: Keyokwee

I am always amazed and enlightened by the differing views that we all take away from our encounters with each other and Mother Nature herself. We can choose to look at ritual performed in the moonlight in the nude, as a powerful statement, a beautiful sign that there is nothing between yourself and Goddess, or simply cover up. But the choice is yours to do so and no less is thought of you if you choose not to do so.

Also since I am a Crone, I can truly savor a wicked sense of humor when it is delivered with justice! My husband, while pagan, does not go for the “foo-fer-all” of rituals instead preferring to sit on the sidelines and watch (usually mildly amused) . But he does understand and accepts me, as I am when I do my thing.

Now in the Crone aspect of life, I can truly respect Hecate. I am constantly amazed by what she can teach me, including and especially, in preparation for the unexpected in life. And since I’m mainly Irish, Hecate likes to throw a twist of the Murphy’s into my life, to keep me on my toes, and to gently remind me to cover my bases before throwing myself enthusiastically into my worship.

I’m reminded that I must approach Her with extreme caution and Wisdom because she will deliver a lesson that you’re sure never to forget. As Hecate is kind of like the Goddess of the Crones, she respects the fact that one is a Crone and allows some leeway for it. But in my case, She delights in delivering her lessons with a ruthless sense of humor. Case in point…

My husband and I live in a very rural part of Northern CA, and we like our privacy. It’s wonderful to have such freedom with no neighbors in sight. We have an above ground pool that is well used during the summer and we feel we can safely skinny-dip in the pool or pretty much walk au-natural around our house. (Polite people call before barging in!) And I feel quite comfortable in my own skin. So when my younger neighbor topped the hill after crossing the front pasture…I think that he pretty much got what he deserved!

It was a typical end to a very hot day. My husband I took advantage of the near darkness to dip into the delicious coolness of our pool and then climbed out to sit at our patio table. Each had our beverage of choice in hand. Mine was wine; his was beer. We were both caught up in the magic of the stars starting to twinkle overhead and the crickets and tree frogs were starting to turn up the volume on their nightly serenade.

There is something seductive about this time of the evening, especially when you are pagan. It’s one of the two times during the day that light meets dark and embraces. So we have come to expect that anything to happen.

I started humming and swaying and dancing around, caught up in the moment and had just raised my glass in a salute to the Goddess when the applications of Nature were driven home. The ensuing chain of events was a lesson to us all.

For it was at that time that our neighbor chose to walk over the top of the hill. But was that the end of it? Oh! Heck No!

Throw in the Murphy’s Law Applications: One Reubenesque Crone. Darkness falling. A salute to the Goddess with a glassful of wine. A gopher hole. And nine billion mosquitoes that all saw my 40 axe-handle butt shining with more lumens than a full moon reflected in an amusement park Hall of Mirrors!

You can see where this is going, can’t ya?

I was a mosquito posse’s dream come true served up on a smorgasbord! It was truly a sight to behold: A Gen-U-ine Kodak moment! I swear that I heard cackling a split second before everything converged at once. My neighbor got a free shot (Or so he thought) of a fat, drunk, naked middle aged lady who spilled her wine while flailing her arms around, waving at him!

I bet that was a little bit too much information! But on the flip side, I’m a crone and I can appreciate the warped sense of Her dark humor served up with a liberal dose of Justice and Common Sense!

The seductive song of a warm summer’s night was disturbed by the unexpected appearance of a fool! There’s a reason why I am a solitary. May your mind be seared by the shocking sight of a Crone moments before her just desserts are served in Spades! I’m no Barbie Doll, honey…this is the real stuff at 54-gravity served up on steroids!

Well that poor kid must have thought that his eyes and brain just sucked a big one on the un-sweetened Lemon of Truth because the ensuing retreat was felt on the local Richter scale.

And what desserts are those, ya almost forgot to ask?

Never think that you can get away with just a toast. Share or She’ll take it all! And if you toast Her, come with just a little wisdom and be prepared to use some common sense. Burn the incense of citronella or ‘Off ‘coils.

(Friends and neighbors, please call first. That’s the polite thing to do!)

And to the fool drinking the beer: Keep your mouth shut! Never again wince and look at your bottle and say, ”That’s going to leave a mark!” to the retreating form of your neighbor’s back.

In the blink of an eye that song of that summer night was drowned out and replaced by the high pitched whine of the incoming going to Glory! The mosquitoes were everywhere! I quickly started flailing about inside the midst of that cloud, stepped in the gopher hole in the process, and flung my last glass of wine out to the grass.

I left three-quarters of the cloud of mosquitoes there to deal with Mr. Naked Big-Mouth while I hastily retreated to spray myself with ‘Off’. The other quarter of them followed me into the house where they fed on his sorry carcass for the rest of the night because he refused to spray himself down!

So what marks is your sorry butt referring to now? The ones left in the mind of our neighbor, or the ones on your backside? Or on mine. Even my hills and valleys now have hills and valleys. (And have you folks ever sprayed yourself with Off after scratching yourself? There’s a real in-the-now reminder! Humph!)

I still swear I hear Her cackling and snapping Her fingers saying, “ YES! The Goddess is in the house!”

Peace and Blessings, Honey!

View From My Side of the Broomstick

View From My Side of the Broomstick

Author: Keyokwee

I am always amazed and enlightened by the differing views that we all take away from our encounters with each other and Mother Nature herself. We can choose to look at ritual performed in the moonlight in the nude, as a powerful statement, a beautiful sign that there is nothing between yourself and Goddess, or simply cover up. But the choice is yours to do so and no less is thought of you if you choose not to do so.

Also since I am a Crone, I can truly savor a wicked sense of humor when it is delivered with justice! My husband, while pagan, does not go for the “foo-fer-all” of rituals instead preferring to sit on the sidelines and watch (usually mildly amused) . But he does understand and accepts me, as I am when I do my thing.

Now in the Crone aspect of life, I can truly respect Hecate. I am constantly amazed by what she can teach me, including and especially, in preparation for the unexpected in life. And since I’m mainly Irish, Hecate likes to throw a twist of the Murphy’s into my life, to keep me on my toes, and to gently remind me to cover my bases before throwing myself enthusiastically into my worship.

I’m reminded that I must approach Her with extreme caution and Wisdom because she will deliver a lesson that you’re sure never to forget. As Hecate is kind of like the Goddess of the Crones, she respects the fact that one is a Crone and allows some leeway for it. But in my case, She delights in delivering her lessons with a ruthless sense of humor. Case in point…

My husband and I live in a very rural part of Northern CA, and we like our privacy. It’s wonderful to have such freedom with no neighbors in sight. We have an above ground pool that is well used during the summer and we feel we can safely skinny-dip in the pool or pretty much walk au-natural around our house. (Polite people call before barging in!) And I feel quite comfortable in my own skin. So when my younger neighbor topped the hill after crossing the front pasture…I think that he pretty much got what he deserved!

It was a typical end to a very hot day. My husband I took advantage of the near darkness to dip into the delicious coolness of our pool and then climbed out to sit at our patio table. Each had our beverage of choice in hand. Mine was wine; his was beer. We were both caught up in the magic of the stars starting to twinkle overhead and the crickets and tree frogs were starting to turn up the volume on their nightly serenade.

There is something seductive about this time of the evening, especially when you are pagan. It’s one of the two times during the day that light meets dark and embraces. So we have come to expect that anything to happen.

I started humming and swaying and dancing around, caught up in the moment and had just raised my glass in a salute to the Goddess when the applications of Nature were driven home. The ensuing chain of events was a lesson to us all.

For it was at that time that our neighbor chose to walk over the top of the hill. But was that the end of it? Oh! Heck No!

Throw in the Murphy’s Law Applications: One Reubenesque Crone. Darkness falling. A salute to the Goddess with a glassful of wine. A gopher hole. And nine billion mosquitoes that all saw my 40 axe-handle butt shining with more lumens than a full moon reflected in an amusement park Hall of Mirrors!

You can see where this is going, can’t ya?

I was a mosquito posse’s dream come true served up on a smorgasbord! It was truly a sight to behold: A Gen-U-ine Kodak moment! I swear that I heard cackling a split second before everything converged at once. My neighbor got a free shot (Or so he thought) of a fat, drunk, naked middle aged lady who spilled her wine while flailing her arms around, waving at him!

I bet that was a little bit too much information! But on the flip side, I’m a crone and I can appreciate the warped sense of Her dark humor served up with a liberal dose of Justice and Common Sense!

The seductive song of a warm summer’s night was disturbed by the unexpected appearance of a fool! There’s a reason why I am a solitary. May your mind be seared by the shocking sight of a Crone moments before her just desserts are served in Spades! I’m no Barbie Doll, honey…this is the real stuff at 54-gravity served up on steroids!

Well that poor kid must have thought that his eyes and brain just sucked a big one on the un-sweetened Lemon of Truth because the ensuing retreat was felt on the local Richter scale.

And what desserts are those, ya almost forgot to ask?

Never think that you can get away with just a toast. Share or She’ll take it all! And if you toast Her, come with just a little wisdom and be prepared to use some common sense. Burn the incense of citronella or ‘Off ‘coils.

(Friends and neighbors, please call first. That’s the polite thing to do!)

And to the fool drinking the beer: Keep your mouth shut! Never again wince and look at your bottle and say, ”That’s going to leave a mark!” to the retreating form of your neighbor’s back.

In the blink of an eye that song of that summer night was drowned out and replaced by the high pitched whine of the incoming going to Glory! The mosquitoes were everywhere! I quickly started flailing about inside the midst of that cloud, stepped in the gopher hole in the process, and flung my last glass of wine out to the grass.

I left three-quarters of the cloud of mosquitoes there to deal with Mr. Naked Big-Mouth while I hastily retreated to spray myself with ‘Off’. The other quarter of them followed me into the house where they fed on his sorry carcass for the rest of the night because he refused to spray himself down!

So what marks is your sorry butt referring to now? The ones left in the mind of our neighbor, or the ones on your backside? Or on mine. Even my hills and valleys now have hills and valleys. (And have you folks ever sprayed yourself with Off after scratching yourself? There’s a real in-the-now reminder! Humph!)

I still swear I hear Her cackling and snapping Her fingers saying, “ YES! The Goddess is in the house!”

Peace and Blessings, Honey!

New Moon Report for July 28th – Venus in Leo

Venus in Leo

Thursday, July 28, 7:59 am PDT, 10:59 pm EDT

Amorous Venus needs a spotlight in theatrical Leo. Off-handed approval is not enough to ensure that we feel loved when we need to be adored. Relationships are likely to become more dramatic as if romance requires emotional extremes to be meaningful now. Keeping a sense of humor will help avoid the highs and lows of selfish behavior that can undermine a partnership. Self-aggrandizement and vanity are turn-offs while opening our hearts invites romance.