A Little Humor For Your Day – “What Things On Your Resume Really, Really Mean, LOL!

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

 

Funny Humor

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Second Joke of the Day – ‘Things You Will Never Hear A Woman Say’

Never hear women say

Things You’ll Never Hear A Woman Say

  1. What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
  2. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just watch TV.
  3. Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
  4. And for our honeymoon we’re going fishing in Alaska!
  5. Aww, don’t stop for directions, I’m sure you’ll be able to figure out how to get there.
  6. Is that phone for me? Tell ’em I’m not here.
  7. I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.

A Little Humor for Your Day – What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

What Things On Your Resume Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I’m usually on Prozac. When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I’ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I’M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, any where’s better.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You’re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I’m never at my desk.

I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I’m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I’m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I’ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don’t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I’m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

Funny Humor

Elder’s Meditation of the Day – October 2

Elder’s Meditation of the Day – October 2

“Laughter – that is something very sacred especially for us Indians.”

–John (Fire) Lame Deer, ROSEBUD LAKOTA

Laughter is mental, laughter is emotional, laughter is physical and laughter is spiritual. Laughter helps us find balance. If we get too angry, laughter will turn that emotion in a balanced direction. If we have a mental picture of someone who is too strong, laughter will help ease the tension. If the body is stressed, laughter will release natural relaxants into our muscles and our nervous system. Laughter often changes our attitude. We need to lighten up and laugh more.

Great Spirit, teach me to laugh.

A Little Humor – How To Recognize Humour (A Funny)

How to Recognize Humour

A Guide for the Genetically Disadvantaged

By Everfool

Dedicated to Loki

From Chamber’s English Dictionary (1989 edition):

Humour (Us: Humor) ‘a mental quality which appreciates and delights in the ludicrous or mirthful: that which causes mirth and amusement: playful fancy’

Humourless ‘petulant’

Irony ‘the Socratic method of discussion by professing ignorance: conveyance of meaning (generally satirical) by words whose literal meaning is the opposite.’

Sarcasm ‘a bitter sneer: a satirical remark in scorn or contempt, often but not necessarily ironical’

Brain ‘in vertebrates, that part of the central nervous system that is contained within the skull…intelligence, common sense’


It has recently become apparent that some viewers of the fine website that is The Cauldron have missed out on one of the exciting developments in the evolution of bipedal mammals: the ability to notice when someone is not being entirely serious.  Because most of the people behind the website are kind, generous people, who would not say a bad word about anyone, the writing of this article has rather naturally fallen to me.

With the intent of making many lives more wholesome and enjoyable, it is my hope to help you to separate ironic humour articles from hideously idiotic editorials.  This is a basic course, however, so don’t get cocky and start reading the transcripts of political speeches.

Useful Clues

1) The presence of the word ‘humour.’  One would think that this is an obvious sign, and certainly I think so, but apparently I’m out of step with the world.  I blame the stuff they put in the water supply.*

Read the article.  Look all over the page.  Examine the web address even.  If anywhere appears the word ‘humour’ in a label format, you should probably move onto deciding whether the article is funny or not.  If you can’t decide on that, please order my new book Is It Funny?retailing at £30.95.

* Shopping trolleys mainly.

2) ‘Tone’ When you read the article, is your first instinct to laugh at how bizarre it is?  Congratulations, it’s probably a humour piece!  While some people are unintentionally funny, most people have to work hard at it.  Come to that, some people have to work hard at basic cognitive functions, but I’m digressing.

3) Content of the rest of the site: Possibly your most useful guide.  The most basic point links back to number one: is this article stored within a section labelled as ‘humour’?  If you can’t handle the ramifications of this one, please see your doctor immediately and tell him you’re not allowed to reproduce. More time consuming is the examination of the rest of the site.  Do all of the pages seem in keeping with the item that originally inflamed your anger?  If you think the article encourages an absurdly ‘fluff bunny’ attitude, the intelligent article on controversies within the Pagan community may change your mind.  May.

4) Ask the people who run the website whether they’re being serious.  This may save you the effort of remembering all those interesting words your dad/uncle/priest used to use when they smelled of domestic bleach, and will save you embarrassment if you ever planned on holding a conversation with representatives of the site.

This concludes the basic guide to spotting humour.

Remember to look out for:

  • Convenient label systems.
  • Tone.
  • Context/accompanying content.
  • Hints from the owner of the site that it’s frigging humour.

And if this doesn’t help, frankly we’re going to send the flying monkeys after you.

I Have A Question

I would like to ask you a question. I don’t know what your opinion of me is but I do not wish to offend anyone. I am very easy going till made mad. I am a nice person, honest.

I would like to know if the joke I just put on here offends you. Material like that I find funny. I know others might find it offensive. I don’t know how far I can go with you is my point. I don’t want to cross the line. I want to keep the material were you enjoy it. Do you mind just a little adult humor? Nothing nasty like the “f” word, I mean like ass and mild words like that.

The site we use for our jokes had a cute joke I started to use. Then I stopped because I didn’t know how you would feel about it. It showed how to make different butts with your computer keys. Then it had what the butts meant beside them. One of them was a kiss my a** butt and that is what it said out beside it. But I didn’t use it because I want to know how you feel about such material.

I would appreciate your comments about this topic. Do you like strictly clean jokes or do you mind a little mild adult humor every now and then?

Thank you,

Annie

A Little Humor for the Day – 25 Truths of Life

25 Truths of Life

 

1. If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it!
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.

 

N. Lellande

 

Oh, My Aging Funny Bone